Wonderfully Imperfect and Full of Complexity

Aristo...what????

2012-02-16T12:57:00.004-05:00

I’ve come to the conclusion that I am aristoway. See part of me is reminiscent of an aristocrat, in that I carry myself like nobility. I am an educated woman who seems to be living the American dream…career, home ownership, opportunity. I read books (and write them too), I mentor, and I give back to the community. Hell, I don’t litter. I don’t care about flashy, pricey clothes, expensive cars or any other thing that might be stereotypically connected to someone of my upbringing. Many of my peers are in the same boat financially, educationally, etc. Additionally, I try to surround myself around people who are going places, and not ones who are stagnant. But at the end of the day, my mother was born in the rural South, my great grandfather was a sharecropper and son of a slave, and I was raised in a predominantly Black neighborhood, or what we call “the hood.”

I lived in the projects and drank 40 ounces.I've fought on the street, had family against family royal rumbles. My aunt buying a home was a big deal. Me graduating from a four year college was a big deal. Me being the first in my family with a Master’s, even bigger deal. This is where the away part comes in. At the heart of it all I’m still L.L Cool J’s eternal ‘Round Away Girl. I can “break hearts and manipulate minds, or surrender act tender be gentle and kind.” In a good pair of shoes I can “walk with a switch and talk with street slang.” This book and street smart combo have actually helped me with my career, but for the rest of my life I will float back and forth between both sides.

On one hand I'm disgusted with bad hair weaves ('cause I keep mine is tight), or people who spend more money on labels than they can afford. I despise women who date drug dealers once they are over the age of 25. I am angered by people stuck in the short term thinking, people who are satisfied with government hand outs and swear they are “independent”. Those who are young (19 to 24) I try to lead, for those who are my age I avoid. (Hmmm...maybe I should try to shed some light their way???) . I have little patience for people who make excuses and are shaming our ancestors.

But then there’s the ToyaB who understands the struggle; that the system is set up to fail us. I am Pro-Black, viva revolution all day when comes disadvantages and injustice to our people. I undersand why it's easier to not try. Then there’s Latoya who says, so what? Prove then wrong. Back and forth.
Sometimes ToyaB takes over completely; I start talking loud, using my hands, spittin’ derogatory terms, dropping F bombs. Sometimes I find myself reverting back to ToyaB, ready to whip some ass, becoming confrontational and caring less about people’s feelings. (Luckily Latoya reminds her that she has a job she doesn’t want to lose otherwise I would have caught a case a long time ago.)

As I said before, sometimes it’s an advantage when I’m trying to reach youth. I can understand and show them that there is life beyond torn down buildings, and the block. Then other times it feels like I stumble when I have hood moment or though. After I snap back to reality and accept that I had a moment I say " Oh Well!" But this is who I am, an aristoaway. This is why I am wonderfully imperfect and full of complexity. This is why I will always be Latoya and ToyaB

Reality Check

2012-01-16T08:39:00.000-05:00

As cruise around in my 2005 ford focus, I sometimes find myself wishing I was sniffing a brand new car scent instead of Frebeeze. I sometimes wish I didn’t have to turn my music up loud so I don’t have to hear the roaring of my engine. When I look at the scratches, and dents, or I “roll” up my window, I think, I want a new car! Do I need a new car? No! But I want a new car! Then I have to give myself a reality check. Truth is… life without car notes (after having one every year since I was 19) is sooo much better. Truth is… my car works perfectly fine. Truth is… when I take the time to vacuum it out, throw some Armor All on the dashboard, and ride through the car wash, my little baby will do just fine. So why do I have these moments? Simply because I get caught up in image, like many others. My ego takes over and temporarily I want to look like I feel. Status begins to trump common sense. But like I said, it’s temporary. I quickly return to my right frame of mind and realize that while I would look fly riding around in a 2012 whip, it doesn’t fit into my new life’s budget. I am just happy that I recognize it and am willing to live by it. Too many people I know choose to do the opposite. They stay in a new car they can’t afford, or laced in labels while drowning in debt. All for what? To look good for other people who don’t help you pay your bills? This is what I have to remind myself when I want to follow that new boot trend, or get the latest Iphone. What difference will it really make in my life???? The reality is it won’t. I may have a short lived desire for it, but I have bigger and better long term desires, and that is what I need to focus on. Creating more debt will not ultimately give me the life I want, but hard work, dedication, and investing will. As I continue strive for all the visions on my vision board I know I will continue to have these moments and I will have to give myself a much needed reality check. What are your thoughts?

I finally got it 2011

2011-12-31T15:18:00.000-05:00

It’s usually so easy for me to self-reflect at the end of a year because I list all my accomplishments. Last year this time had so much I was proud of, so much that I had set out to do and did. This year I don’t have a list, I have a learning experience. It started off finding I was pregnant in January. Then I found out in April that the classroom I had been teaching in for 6 years was closing and I would be teaching in a different building, with a different position. A place where I’d taught summer school for years but had no real desire to be at full time. Not to mention I’d be starting my day an hour and a half earlier, and driving further, while dealing with a new baby and day care. The uncertainty consumed me and I threw a hissy fit inside. How was I to deal with it? Around the same time I was forced to stop teaching Zumba because my belly was growing and it just became downright difficult. So there was my extra income and my release of tension.

This year I also had to question people in my circle, in the immortal words of Jay-Z: Friend or Foe???? Not just friends, but family too. You expect hate from certain people but when it comes from those who are supposed to love you, it’s hard to swallow. Unfortunately it happens, and all too often. Why wouldn’t they want to see you happy and accomplished??Don’t get me wrong, I understand why, but I don’t understand why family, why so-called friends.

The number of times I’ve performed spoken word this year, I can count on one hand. The list of things I wanted to do as far as promoting my book, but didn’t, I can count on two hands. I can’t say I don’t miss the momentum I had going.

I’m sure it’s sounding like 2011 was bad, but of course it wasn’t. The job I dreaded beginning is actually enjoyable. I feel more connected to my school than before and I am in a position where my talents and skills an educator can be seen and utilized. In edition, here is my list accomplishments: (because sometimes you just need to see it.)

Nurtured and birth a healthy baby boy who lights up my life

Got engaged

Acted for the first time on stage (since 4^th grade)

Wrote for an online magazine

Featured at the Langston Hughes Center in NY (he is my poetic boo)

Launched a website for my memoir

Applied for two higher education positions

Sent my book out to literary agents

Captained a team for the American Cancer Society’s relay for life

And perhaps the most important (next to the whole baby thing), I learned to stop and smell the roses then accept the fact that seasons change!

That was the lesson that God had in store for me all year long. I was moving much too fast to chase my dreams that I didn’t take the time to enjoy life. I had to slow down. Momentum is good but speed is not. I accept the fact that sometimes we create change in our lives and other times we have to surrender and embrace change. That means on the job and in relationships. I had to let go of a lot of control this year, and sometimes it was like pulling teeth. I had many moments where I felt completely helpless. In hindsight, or reflection should I say, I realized that it was all necessary and a part of my path…going through it to get to it, as they say.

In 2012 I am looking continued growth on all levels but at a slower, steadier pace. I say this as I recall India Aire’s song Slow Down (you’re going too fast, you got your hands in the air and your feet on the gas. That was me, and now I got it, God. I got it. Happy New Year!

Whew...

2011-12-01T13:53:00.001-05:00

My first week back at work after 2 months, and guess what I’m still learning…yup…how to surrender! While I thought I suffered from a lack of sleep over the last few months, reality really hit this week. See, when I was on maternity leave, I could go back to sleep in the mid morning. Now when my bookas ( my baby) wakes up at 5am, we have to stay up and get ready to venture out so I can be at work by 7:15. So All week I’ve been getting about 4 to 5 hours of sleep.
   I thought I would spring into things and fully become the old me... Work, home, and gym, after eating well all day and drinking plenty of water. NOPE! Instead, it’s 3 cups of coffee a day, a glass of wine at night, no gym at all, and take out for breakfast, sometimes skipping lunch or sucking down something like Taco Bell so I can catch-up on my lesson planning.( I brought a water to work everyday and drank only half of it. Totally not my style, I usually drown myself in water).
     After only stopping to pee all day, I leave work at 2:30 and it’s off to home to do chores, pick up my son from practice, help my nephew with homework, figure out what the hell we are having for dinner, and spend time with my baby (who misses mommy. ) I’m tired just writing about it. My first instinct was to trip, flip, and breakdown. Stamp my feet and say…I can’t do this!!!!!. But something as simple as a hot shower at the end of the day or India Aire in the morning changes all of that and puts things into perspective. There is no longer an old me. So what do I do? I re-invent myself to adapt to my new life. The inner me, the dreamer, the poet, the dancer, the make it happener (okay not a word) are still the essence of who I am, but I have to re-adjust.

I decided to just survive this first week, get into the hang of things, get the timing right, figure out what works and what doesn’t, so that next week I can not just survive but actually feel accomplished when I‘m done. This meant looking past laundry that needed to be done, leaving the baby’s pj’s on the bed until I get home (instead of feeling like they had to be put in the hamper), and being okay with leaving the flat iron in the bathroom, or the iron on the kitchen table. The world won’t end if the house is out of order until I come home.

Now that it’s Thursday and I feel like I made it, I’m ready for some more re-adjustments. So next week I will replace two of those coffees with decaf green tea, and find time to drink water while I’m at work beside just at lunch. Besides I'm sure my students won't mind if I stop talking for a few minutes. I pledge to get in some exercise which I know is my best source of energy, at least once a day. Even if it’s just some jumping jacks while waiting for my hot water to boil! I went shopping last night to buy me some healthy snacks and lunch…no more skipping meals! That’s all I’m asking of myself. Just a little bit of my time to improve my quality of life, be my best self, and more importantly keep my sanity in my new crazy life.

6 weeks later...Easier said than done

2011-11-16T11:53:00.002-05:00

On October 4 I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy Elijah Langston (named after my poetic boo Langston Hughes.) The next day my boyfriend proposed. Then when I got home from the hospital, reality set in. I was slowly learning to surrender with the pregnancy, but I had no idea it would have to continue AFTER. Nor did I realize how much my patience with myself would be tested. The first thing was my new body. I would wait 6 weeks before I could be my regular energetic self. I would have to take it easy and not over exert myself. Easier said than done. While everyone is at work and school, you look around and laundry that needs to be done, a bathroom that needs cleaning, and vacuum cleaner that needs to be fixed so the floor can be vacuumed. So I had to decide, do I sleep while baby is sleeping and wait until everyone gets home so they can clean, or do I do it myself? Do I make bottles or try to make myself look like less of a mess. Yes my self-confidence was shaky as I looked at the bags under my eyes, or at the leggings I was tired of wearing because my uterus had not shrunk and my stomach looked like a deflated soufflé. It is so real. You just wish you could snap your fingers and get yourself back. Then I look at my outdated website, and deadlines for the publications I write for. I could take a break, but I don’t want to. So the last six weeks have been a flip flop back and forth between do this, or do that?? And feeling like I haven’t gotten enough done during the day. But the logical side says “HELLO you just gave birth and you are on maternity leave. LET IT GO!” Easier said than done. But here I am six weeks later, slowly trying to get my groove back. My strategy… take one thing at a time introducing things back in my life. First exercise, then writing, then promoting myself, eventually I’ll be back on the mic (Can’t wait.) I do what I feel like doing. SO If I wanna get cute just to sit in the house, I will. I f I don’t feel like brushing my teeth until 2pm, so be it. I can’t lie some days I still feel like flip flopping ( do this or do that while he's napping), but for the most part I think I’m getting the hang of it. I think I can finally get over asking myself, “How will I do it all?” I’m Brenda’s Child, making things happen is what I do!

I Surrender

2011-06-20T13:20:00.002-04:00

I said I wouldn't make this a pregnancy blog, but what I didn't know is that once you become pregnant, it is the primary focus of your life ( at least it has become for me.) When your body is tired, you can't pump it with caffeine and keep going, you have to rest. When you are angry, you can't work it off with an intense boot camp class, or go have a drink with the girls, you have to deal with it. When you feel like going into a fit of rage and throwing something, you remember it may be too heavy, or that the spike in your blood pressure may somehow be affecting your unborn baby.

I'd be lying if I said there aren't joys in the second trimester. I mean for starters, you actually LOOK pregnant instead like you've had one too may cheeseburgers (something I crave constantly). I look in the mirror and actually think...damn I'm sexy. My breasts are full, and I look voluptuous, and that "glow" is real! I love putting together maternity outfits and wearing sassy novelty maternity T-shirts. I have more energy, and I love watching my stomach move when the baby kicks. Did I mention it's a boy?! See, it’s great finding out the sex, and preparing for the baby shower. I am truly anticipating my baby's arrival, and I love interacting with him through music and tummy rubs.

But here's where I have an issue. I know every pregnancy is different, but six months into it, I still get sick at least once a week. I am cursed with headaches and dizzy spells, and occasionally the nausea creeps ups. The there is the diet. You would think I could go crazy and eat whatever I want, right, I wish. I have to total love /hate relationship with food right now. I would love to go crazy, but hate that I don’t have the appetite. My baby only likes ice cream and cheeseburgers. Everything else, he can take or leave it. Other than breakfast, I have no desire to eat, so when I do, it's strictly for survival, to end the hunger pangs, and to not feel like I’m abusing my ravenous little infant.

Here’s my list of other complaints:

Peeing 2 to 3 times in the middle of the night

Sweating like I'm in a sauna in the middle of the night, and then being cold

Not being able to wear heals or wedges without the feet swelling and feeling like they're on fire

Being completely out of control with my emotions

Wanting my boyfriend to be right next to me and far way simultaneously

Waking up in the middle on the night with insomnia (forced to watch Lifetime movie network from like 2 to 4 am)

Insane nesting urges that force me to yell at the men in my home for not helping me clean)

Lower back pain, calf pain, and round ligament pain

Constant thirst

The leak of urine as I vomit ( I know TMI, but it is what it is)

Those are petty things that come with the territory. But there are two issues I struggle with that I didn't with the first. One is missing my mommy. I really just wish she or my grandmother was around to cook for me, to complain to, to just be around. A woman needs that when she's in such a vulnerable state.

The other thing is truly driving me NUTS! It's the lack of energy and feeling like my life is on hold while my baby incubates. When I was pregnant with my first son, all I had was college classes. When they were over I worked at Taco Bell until my 9th month, that's it. With this one, I have ceased performing (you would never guess how much air your diaphragm needs to spit poetry), and I have been too tired to work on my other book projects, or hang out with my mentees. I had an active social life, from happy hour to poetry open mics, to concerts. That is gone because...I'm tired. After work, the bed is my respite (once housework is done and sometimes it doesn't get done). Then there's being a mom and auntie, helping with final projects, baseball practices and games.

I exercise, but to me it feels like not enough because I'm used to busting my ass, working until the point of exhaustion...no pain...no gain. When you are pregnant you'd better not!

I try to find joy in what I can, a line dance song or two at a family party, thinking about holding my little bundle, the fun I'll have at my baby shower; daydreaming of what his personality will be like. But very now and then the frustration creeps up on me and I feel...STUCK. Motionless, unaccomplished, unmotivated, this in turn can make me feel down right...depressed. I am an action type of chick, and I am getting none because I’m doing nothing. So I give myself a pep talk: I'm creating life, every second of the day until my baby is born and that takes ENERGY and time, so I have to learn PATIENCE and how to SURRENDER, two things I had trouble with even before I got pregnant...WISH ME LUCK.

Looking for Daddy

2011-06-19T16:28:00.006-04:00

Psychologists have theories about how when we become adults we look for in our mates what we got and what we missed from our opposite sex parent. I can totally buy into this. Immediately, I think about all of the great qualities I see in my dad. He's there when it counts, when I feel like I need to be rescued, financially or emotionally. He's proud of me, and that's great feeling, having someone be proud and confident when it comes to your aspirations. My dad celebrates all of the milestones in my life, college graduations, birth of my children, buying a house, getting my teaching license. What's more important is that I can feel his love in the tears he cries on those special days.

        My dad is so much more laid back than I am, because I am high strung (passionate is the positive twist I put on it). He’s able to look at what really matters and pick and choose his battles. This is something I'm learning more and more how to do every day, though I admit it's often a struggle. And my competitive nature definitely stems from him because he never discouraged the tomboy in me; in fact I think he liked the fact that his daughter was tough enough to wrestle down boys. I don’t think I can ever remember a time when he told me to act like a lady. So glad about that!

        But it wasn't until I did some real deep processing that I realized there were things I missed from him as a kid. My father was just 19 when I was born. After my mother died, he pulled a no show on several occasions, leaving me and my sister sitting on the front steps of my grandmother's house waiting.

        Then there were the trips to Friendly's Restaurant ( still one of my favorite pastimes), that would have been so much better if at least every now and then it was just his kids and not his girlfriend's kids. Don't get me wrong, we had a great relationship with them, but he was still OUR daddy, and we never really got that one on one time with him. This leads me to the affection part. That tomboyish demeanor must have made my father feel like I didn't need consoling; I just needed to brush it off. As a result I grew up hiding my anguish, putting on a shell even when I was crumbling inside. I don't blame my dad for any of this, because he was young, and as we've both gotten older, our relationship has grown closer, and continues to do so. However, I have to be honest in saying that I feel my relationship with him directly relates to what I crave and loathe in a mate. For instance, my father was completely oblivious to my feelings and being stood up or not getting that alone time. I become absolutely incensed when a man is unaware of my feelings. I know men aren't mind readers, and anyone who knows me knows I speak my mind, so when I feel like you lack empathy or consideration; it's a problem for me! My feelings needed to be validated if you are to be my man.

        Not calling to say he wouldn't be coming that day was irresponsible (a young thing, so easily forgiven). Yet and still an irresponsible man is a huge turn off for me! My father got a pass because he was young and inexperienced, but any man that is over 30 in my life, needs to have it together. Those are two of my biggest deal breakers.

Consequently, what I crave in a man is what I’ve gotten and still get from my dad. I need you to make me feel like I matter to you; my struggles, my dreams, my wants, my fears, are all important to you. Your world doesn't have to revolve around me, but show up when it matters, when I need it most. I am a strong, independent, superwoman, blah, blah, blah, and I can do it all, blah, blah, blah, but who wants to? Hell, even Superman is clumsy, quiet Clark Kent sometimes. I want to be vulnerable, so I need someone who can allow me to do so. I need to know that if I'm off duty, my world won't come shattering down because I left it in your hands and you didn't handle it.

This is what makes love hard, like my girl Iyanla Vanzant wrote, love is easy, it's the expectations we place on it that make it rough. Understanding why we have those expectations can sometimes help us to recognize why we become disappointed in our loved ones, and how we can take some of that pressure off of them.

        It's tough to say what you need and why you need, but I am glad that I am at a place where I can say it without reservation to my man and to others. What about you? What do you need, why do you need it?

"Happy" Mother's Day

2011-05-04T17:20:00.004-04:00

Mother's Day wasn't always a struggle for me. When I was younger I absolutely loved making gifts in school for my ga-ga (my maternal grandmother). Let's see, it was the plants in a styrofoam cups, homemade candy (which she couldn't eat because she was diabetic), and plenty of specially written and decorated cards. Mother's Day became harder after she died because it wasn't until I'd lost her that I began to feel like a motherless child. All of the love in the world couldn't stop me from feeling this emptiness when Mother's Day arrived.

When I became a mother, it got easier; I saw my son come home with the cards and plants, and I'd smile. But then I found myself missing Brenda, my real mother. As an adult I wanted that special relationship I saw all of my friends have with their mothers, so I still felt empty. To cope, everyone knows I deemed myself Brenda's Child, and I became that parental figure to other kids who were missing a mom for whatever reason.

Three weeks before Mother's Day also marks the anniversary of the death of my mother's sister ( she died unexpectedly at 36 from a seizure, which was reaction from her medication. She had been on dialysis for years due to kidney disease.) Two cent was my home girl. I use the old school term because growing up in the 80's, she was who you wanted to be: creative, stylish, sexy, and cool. What made her most important to me was that had if not been for her babysitting my son free of charge, I would not have been able to finish college and work full time. It's because of her that my son developed early on a love of reading and learning. That was 2002, and again I learn to cope. She was the 3rd person whose name would be tattooed on me, and I honored her memory by publishing some of her poetry in a chapter dedicated to her at the end of my first book, A Piece of My Mind.
In 2009, my friend Gail died the week of Mother's day from Leukemia. She was a mother of four, and like my mother, my grandmother, and my aunt, she liked working with kids. I used my words once more to honor her in my memoir, The Right Amount of Sunshine.
This is the only way I know how to deal, I keep their memory alive through the work I am still able to do while I'm here on this earth.
I'll light a candle for each of them this Sunday, knowing they are present in spirit always. And although I may shed some tears of remembrance, I will have "Happy" Mother's Day just for them!
next month I will walk with my team "Brenda's Bunch" in the American Cancer Society's Relay for Life.If you'd like donate to our team please click on the link below:

Ga-Ga ovarian cancer 1991

Brenda Breast cancer 1982

Gwen a.ka. Two Cent 2002

Gail Leukemia 2009

http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/RelayForLife/RFLFY11NE?px=18917060&pg=personal&fr_id=31077

"The Only Thing Constant in the World is Change."

2011-04-17T13:45:00.003-04:00

This is an interlude I listen to regularly from India Aire's sophmore album. It's something I have to remind myself when I find I'm resisting what God had planned for me. It's easy to accept change when it's something you have planned and wanted.Okay, easier I should say, because I have definitely been guilty of hesistation and procrastination when I've gotten close to have something I've always wanted. Self-sabatoge, fear, feelings of inadequacy ( Do I really deserve this?) Of course me being, The Queen of Self-Esteem, after a few minutes of reflection and meditation and I can say, Hell yeah I deserve it! or I'm going for mine, if I fail, so be it, I'll just keep going!
But what about the change you're not ready for? Like when I was 13 and I had to move in with Aunt because my grandmother's illness and my bad attitude was too much for the household to handle? ( When she died, this situation would become permanent.) Or when I got pregnant my freshman year at UMASS and I had to transfer to a more local college after I had my son? Or when I realized after 7 years together, and five months before our wedding that I could not live a fruitful life if I married my first love and father of my son. All things unexpected, all things they made my life wonderful in the end.
With the unexpected changes that have taken place lately in my life, (both physically and career wise) I initially went into panic mode. Fear, anxiety, frustration, and a bit of depression. All along in the back of my mind, I know surrendering to the bigger plan is what I must do, but it still doesn't stop my juvenile-like personal response. I have to have my private temper tantrum, give myself a time out, and then SURRENDER. Who I am not to trust the divine plan?Yes, I have free will, but I'm just a small part of an elaborate design. So I lace up my big girl boots and I get ready to take on the next big challenge, that in the end, will make me a better, stronger person. And then I say, THANK YOU.

What's that saying?

2011-04-04T12:23:00.002-04:00

Oh yeah, it's something like, if you want to make God laugh, make plans. It's been over two months since my last entry because I've been busy....growing life ( and vomiting) that's right, Brenda's Child is with child! Are you as shocked as I am? Then again I guess I shouldn't be because if you read my post about the tarot card reading I recieved back in July, the woman told me she saw a baby for me and the man I was with. Funny, I only seem to focus on the stuff I wanted to remember from the reading...like all of the money I am going to make off of my words!
I won't turn this blog into a pregnacy one, it will still be about all my complexities,which will become more complex since I'm becoming a mom again after 14 years. In some ways it will be easier, I'm older, wiser, more established, and I know what to expect. The hard part is, I know what to expect. I love babies, but pregnancy and labor suck to me. Some people say they love it, me... not so much. I give props to both of my grandmothers for birthing eight babies each, with no epidural! I'm telling you, we are not made like that anymore.
My first time being a mom was difficult because I had to go to college full time and work full time. Looking back, I really can't believe I did it, starting 4 weeks after delivery! This time I have stable employment with maternity leave (AWESOME). The down side is I am forced to slow down...zumba, traveling, and writing.

As I approach my second trimester this week, I'm hoping my energy will pick up and I'll be back to hustling (so can make the other prediction about the money come true).

Procrastination= FEAR

2011-01-31T11:47:00.001-05:00

If you read my new year's blog you'll know that I really want to get a literary agent for my memoir this year.Well, my goal for January was to submit a query to at least 6 agents. After starting the research in December, I stalled all month... afraid. Then I had to ask myself, afraid of what? The worst thing that can happen is that I am rejected. Okay, no one likes rejection, but what do you do? You dust yourself off, get back on the horse and keep it moving. Sometimes it's hard to talk ourselves out of procrastination and out of fear. Last week I had to face my fear. Worst case scenario is that I would still be a teacher who loves to write, and self-publish books in her spare time, but my world would not end, so big deal! Sure I have dreams and I want to accomplish a lot, but the bottom line is if I take NO ACTION towards my goals, well, then I cannot complain if I am stuck in the same situation next year. Long story short, once I faced this truth, I sent off 7 query letters. My heart fluttered when I sent two in particular...hope it means something.
What about you, what have you been procrastinating about???

New Years Eve Eve

2010-12-30T18:40:00.002-05:00

Pretty much the whole last week of December I began reflecting; Asking did I really stick to my guns? Do what I set out to do? First let me say, not completely. Secondly, let me say that this year was still really big for me:

I graduated with a master's degree
got a $600 grant to edit Volume Two of Our Voices
went down 1 1/2 pants sizes
published my memoir
put on the most successful Diva pageant ever
started co-habitation for the first time since I was 21
got certified as a zumba instructor and actually made money
got close to some new wonderful females (which I wasn't really open to)
spoke at colleges
met Susan Taylor
discovered meditation
read several self-improvement books
traveled with my books
went to Cali for the first time
has an awesome tarot card reading
performed in front of my biggest audience ever...
the list could probably go on longer.

This year I've truly grown, which is essential!
Now let's keep it real, I fell off the wagon. Yeah, I had a few occasions where I drank and over drank alcohol. I honestly allowed the stress of my life to become an excuse for having one too many when it was time to celebrate. At least twice I've done this.
Most people joke about not following through with resolutions, but I take it seriously. Towards the end some aspects got tough!
The last two months of my life have been hectic between running diva pageant rehearsals, promoting, teaching zumba four times a week, being a mom, being a live- in girlfriend, a good friend, a mentor, and a full time teacher, I allowed myself to fall back into some not so good eating habits. I slowly integrated fried food, take -out, and white carbs back into my diet. If it weren't for zumba, I'm sure I would have gained back my weight; instead I've maintained where I could have released. So in 2011, it's back to business, and learning strategies to cope with stress that don't lead to binge drinking and eating. I'll say it, that's what it is; no need to sugar-coat it. I know I haven't done what I am capable of in that department. It's not about weight either. I'm actually loving my body these days. It's about my committment to myself and my health. But it's the end of a DECADE, and the start of a new one, so it's all good.
As a matter of fact, it's all the more reason to make some major changes happen. I'm taking the last ten years, all that I've learned, and soaring to the next level.
First on my list, get a literary agent. It's hard damn work trying to get people to notice your work alone. So this is my MAJOR goal for 2011; at least the first quarter. After that, national exposure!
Pretty much after that my goals haven't change much; or at least the essence of them.
I still want to take my career to the next level, beside just financially.
I've come to realize that I don't have to force myself to tell my family I love them as long as I show them in my own way. If I prefer to write it in a letter or card, that's just who I am, ( see I'm growing, accepting me. )
I will still challenge myself physically.
This year I do want to try new things, like water skiing or something; I want to get all I can out of life. I think that's what's most important. And I just want other people I care about to do the same. Happy New Year to Me, and have New Year to you!

P.S. I am also proud that I kept a planner all year. What a life saver!

IT's Time for Divas in Training

2010-11-10T15:54:00.001-05:00

Next month I will hold my 3rd bi-annual Diva pageant, and I couldn't be more excited. In just a month these girls will transform greatly. There are some that are in this pageant because they NEED to gain confidence. There are some that have confidence, real stand outs, but who need to be around those that don't have it, so they can see how the other half lives. They will begin to support one another, lift each other up and form new friendships. I look back at the girls who have participated in the past; some have slipped through the cracks, becoming runaways, and drops outs. But I know as much as I would like, I can't save everyone. But the ones who have gone on to college, that are about to graduate, I know the pageant has affected them. Not to say they had no other supports or reasons for success, but I know that me maintaining a relationship with them after 4 years means a lot. One girl in particular competed in the pageant in 2006. She was just 13 years old and very shy and unsure of herself. Competing against 8 other girls, she didn't place in the finals.I took a liking to her because the tomboy in her reminded me of myself. Even two years after the pageant, we spent a lot time with each other. When she got in to 10th grade we lost touch for a while. We'd touch base online every now and the, but I got busy with college, and she got busy with being a working teen. Well, she sought me out through my KYDS website, and we reconnected, going to go see "For Colored Girls" this past weekend. This year she will compete in the pageant again, but as a whole new person, and I am so touched that she feels she is confident, and successful in school because of her relationship with me. Now that is something I'm truly grateful for. Sometimes I forget that I mean so much, yes me the Queen of Self-esteem, I forget, and it feels good to be reminded.
http://www.mykyds.org/

Stillness

2010-10-24T21:33:00.000-04:00

This past week was actually one of the toughest I've had in a while. I just felt a tremendous amount of pressure (some of it self-imposed) at work, at home, and with all of my projects. On top of that I started out the week exhausted. I drive to Philadelphia,PA to do two book signings in one day and drive back the next day to host poetry ( after 5 hours of being on the road.) I wasn't sleeping well because I wasn't taking the time I needed to be still. But as the universe and God will have it, I went to a conference which focused on dealing with girls in the juvenile justice system. The guest speaker was Susan Taylor, former editor of ESSENCE magazine. Well, I wanted to see her because she is a role model to me, a single mother who made things happen. Now she's a successful author,entrepreneur, and motivational speaker. All stuff I aspire towards. Her message was just what I needed to hear. She said that we have fill our cup up before we can give to others. She talked about being still so the answers we need will come to us. Now if u read my previous blogs, you'll see I've been writing about this all year long. But every now and then I need to reminded, have a review course on these things. I allowed myself to temporarilyy be taken away from the peacefulness of meditation, from being in the moment for each moment. Because of that I was walking around feeling cranky, like I didn't have enough time or energy left in each day to do anything, and finally I became physically sick and nauseous from it. Susan Taylor bought me back, gave me the booster shot I needed. So today, I did laundry. But it wasn't until I slept as long as I needed, and after I refused to give myself a deadline anything. Today I was free of worry, and of what next. And I am truly grateful for this.

Meditation

2010-08-29T19:02:00.001-04:00

So...last week marked the start of a new school year and the first week of training for teachers.To my surprise and delight, the training was on meditation. That's right, they wanted us teachers to learn how to "BREATHE" and teach our students to do so. Of course we had some closed- minded teachers who refused to "BREATHE" with us, and some who felt it conflicted with religion, but I was all for it. If you've read my previous blogs, you know that this year has been all about me taking time to be still and really listen to my spirit. What tickled me was that science is finally catching on to ancient concept and now we teachers are being taught to use use it as a tool to improve learning and behavior.While some of it was review for me, I was still reminded of its benefits. It is nothing like starting the morning out with a purpose and a focus of how you want your day to go. I remember once I asked myself "What do you really want?" before going into meditation, and I literally heard my spirit, not my mind ( I hear that chatter all of the time) it shouted "I wanna write full time" Since then I've been filled with energy that pushes me to go for what I really want. I still want to do a lot in life, and I will, but since I was 8, I've wanted to write, and I allowed society, and doubters to push me into something more realistic. But now I'm so focused that I KNOW it will be. What about you? What do u REALLY WANT. If the answer is " I don't know" turn off all of the literal and mental noise and listen to your inner self.

Not Without Complications

2010-08-10T13:26:00.003-04:00

Last night was insane. First I stayed up until 1 am posting photos and videos on facebook and brendaschild.com As I finished I thought how exhausted I was, but when my head hit the pillow, it began racing until 3:30am. All of these ideas flooded my brain about what would happen to the characters in the sequel to " Despite Everything". If you've read the book, you'll know what I'm talking about, I leave u hanging with two different subplots. And while I started the sequel "Not without Complications" focusing on a love triangle, I developed all of this background information, and plot twists just laying in bed in the darkness. I mean, it got detailed. So for all of the folks who are wondering what will happen will Toni and Javall, you'll have to wait and see! And what about Karisse and Dionn? How are Kim and Darrel doing? The story picks up just as Dionn and Karisse's son turns one. Will Dionn step up and be a father, or will he be too caught up with Toni? Who will Toni ultimately choose? All of these questions will be answered in next year. However, you can get an excerpt in late fall if u buy the special edition copy of "Despite Everything" coming this fall. P.S See what happens when I have time off? And I've only been free for two days!

Been Busy

2010-08-04T20:20:00.003-04:00

So I am still adamant about SHE GOT HER OWN, but the more I plan the more elaborate it becomes and I think I have to put it off to get it right!

I just came back from the experience of a lifetime, I visited San Diego California to tape a pilot for a national music show. I got to perform my poetry LIVE with a band and back up singers. First, let me say, I love San Diego and can't wait to go back!

The best thing was a tarot card reading. Now I know I will get some flack from my religious folks, but I am more spiritual and this is MY blog, so I wanna share. She really defined where I am which is focused, driven, and creative. She said I would be successful in my art and it would bring me money...hey! As a healer (teacher,someone who people look up to) I didn't know where I wanted to go with that. She told me my words were powerful and had the ability to influence people. Read my previous blogs, and see what's been happening with me. She was on point! And I didn't tell her a thing.

That explains why that's all I can focus on right now!

Anyway, I've been traveling alot with the book so the eating schedule has been jacked up. ( Can I say that Zydeco's in Raleigh, NC has the best food EVER?)
I Know that since school is starting back up, I will get back on track with my eating and exercising habits.
The meditation is really saving my life on a daily basis. You'd be amazed at the answers you get when you just shut up and listen to your inner self.

SHE GOT HER OWN

2010-06-29T22:04:00.003-04:00

So I've been reading DEEPAK CHOPRA's SEVEN SPIRITUAL LAWS OF SUCCESS. And one of them is obvious, KARMA. Well, I've always believed in karma and practiced it. But I've been really busy focusing on my book, so I have had less time to focus on others. So while my heart has been it, my body hasn't. So I've decided it's time to share some of that self-esteem I claim to be the Queen of. It's time to share some of the empowerment I have, and give some of the guidance I have been giving. I've decided to spend some time this summer doing what I 've been wanting to do for a while, and that is helping my "in between" women. You know the one's who are legally grown, but don't have a clue about what it really means. The ones who need to find themselves. So I've developed a 5 week lecture/workshop series covering self-worth, career,relationships, and health. My goal is to develop strong, powerful, fearless and goal-oriented women. The title of the series is called,"She Got Her Own." More details are sure to follow, but email me for any questions.

Half Way Through the Year

2010-06-19T09:43:00.005-04:00

It's about time for a mid-year evaluation:

Okay so the yoga twice a week ain't happening. I'm hoping that since it's summer and I am out of work ( at least full time) I will be able to make time. See, my focus has been to really promote this book. I think about it every night, every day, all day. It has become my driving force, and every time someone gives me feedback on the book, I get more and more psyched about it. I am ready for all that is coming!

In other things, I have fallen off the wagon, with bad carbs that is. The last few weeks have been so stressful, that the doctor ordered me to chill. Too much everything and not enough sleep. SO as much as I love SHE-RA, I am not her! I have to take a break. As I said before, with the time off and with it being the halfway point, I am hoping to re-center and get back on focus so I can rid myself of that little donut around my waste. ( Gotta keep it real.)

I am looking to grants to do something artistic for next year, and I am also getting ready to do the DIVA pageant all over again. I am sooo excited about it. But one thing at a time.

I drank grey goose at my graduation party, and I didn't like it anymore. Wine is really for me.
I have also been working harder in the one woman show and I've created a contracted and beginning my summer tour next month! YES!

Yeah, that I love you stuff, I will leave to paper for now, as long as they know, right?

All and all I feel like I am steadily making 2010 what I want it to be. I know if I keep putting in the work, giving the good energy, it will all come in due time!

I currently have four followers, and I hoping more people will read, but if not, it is what is is. I know I feel better after releasing what's in my heart and on my mind. Until next time!

The Right Amount of Sunshine

2010-06-13T17:04:00.002-04:00

I am going to sell 6million copies world wide of this book! I put it out there in the universe, and I know it is already happening. Through reaching my dream, I am going to inspire so many other girls (and boys) of color who grow up with the odds against them. They will know because they see me. We hear these stories all of the time about being making it from homeless to Hollywood, like Tyler Perry for instance. But sometimes it's hard to say "If he can do it, so can't I!" if he wasn't your neighbor and you didn't know him personally. I think that's why so many of us have such a hard time believing it's possible. I want my students to say, "OMG, Miss Toya really did it! She was not playing when she said she was going to blow up off her memoir!" It will be momentous because they have seen how hard I have worked, they know about the multiple jobs, and the extra time I put into making my dreams come true. Sometimes they still can't understand why I do things like mail my book to Wendy Williams, Oprah and Michelle Obama. They think they will either never get it, or never read. I tell them, BELIEVE, BELIEVE.

Pound Cake

2010-06-13T17:03:00.001-04:00

What messages are u inadvertently sending our growing girls about eating habits and body acceptance??

WTCC radio interview with Brenda's Child

2010-06-13T17:02:00.000-04:00

2010-05-31T22:12:00.001-04:00

I Love this picture because it serves as a reminder that I really can do WHATEVER I want! On to the next degree!

The Next Chapter

2010-05-31T12:16:00.004-04:00

It's a truly amazing experience when your dreams start to come true! What was once an idea, it now reality. After my graduation party and book signing I read all of my cards and I really absorbed what they had to say. See, I'm so used to jumping, sometimes head first, from goal to the next,that I don't take the time to sit back, and enjoy the accomplishment. When it's all over I take time to reflect, but it's always on what's next.What will be my next challenge, and how will I meet it! It took me reading some of the congrats cards from family and friends that made me realize...I've done great things, and I shouldn't minimize it. Here I am, the self-proclaimed DIVA and Queen of Self-esteem, yet I look at my accomplishments as, "I did it, and big deal, a lot of people do it." So while, I'm proud, I just feel like sooo many others are capable of the same thing, that it never is a big deal. But again, the cards, and the tears on my day from a couple of good friends helped me to see that even though many have accomplished what I have, and many ARE capable, so many more people don't do it. They are too afraid, busy making excuses, and blaming circumstances,they don't step out and leap. Why is that? I don't think it's fear of failure, I think it's fear of success. I know for me as soon as I get close to a dream, before I touch it, I pause, and ask, "Is this for real? Is this really gonna happen...for ME?" Then I say, " Hell, yeah, because I worked hard for this, and I deserve it." But still that quick pause is something I am struggling to stop doing. I cannot allow myself to question whether something I dream is really happening, because that's what it's all about.

The second part of it all is being an inspiration to others. We all have role models, and people we look up to, but what I've discovered recently, is that a lot more people see me as a tangible role model than I've thought.It's a surreal feeling because I know, that while I'm on my way to becoming the woman I want to be, I'm still not quite there yet. So to know that what I've done so far has influenced so many....well, a sista get kinda emotional. ( Shhh! Don't tell anybody)

So what's next for me? I want to promote the HELL out of my memoir. I want this book to be something that social services organizations, schools, and parents embrace and use as a tool for our young girls of color. I want to continue to grow as a person that I can fully live out my mission " to inspire others through poetry and stories, and through leading by example with courage, confidence, and integrity."

So what do you think? This blog is my journal, but you're more than welcome to comment. Peace Eternally, Brenda's Child

Yeah for me!

2010-05-09T18:58:00.002-04:00

I know it's been a while since I've written, but that's because I've been so busy making life happen. Let's see, first, I'm still a wine drinker. I love being able to get a buzz, and still get up in the morning and go. So Grey Goose, sorry but you just can't give me that!
Secondly, I brought me a pair of Levi's size 8, just to to make me focus a bit more on my goal, to help me put it out there in the atmosphere. Well, let me tell you, I slid them right on! Yes! I reached my goal. But to be honest, the little grin my stomach rolls make, have assured me that I still will have to work hard to get the body I desire. I know I'm on my way though, because I've gotten my Zumba certification and I am teaching it three times a week! Go Toya!
And next Sunday, I will have my graduate diploma in hand!!! This is something I am soooo proud of.
The love thing...still hard. I can write it in card or a letter, but I have such a hard time verbally expressing it. I'll put a pat on my back myself for at least doing that more often, dropping notes to my loved ones. I have been doing that! As long as they know how important they are to me, I guess it really doesn't matter how I tell them.
The "me" time has been getting easier and easier. I find that when I make time for myself, I am able to give just a little more to others, and I'm less on edge. At peace. So starting this week, I'm increasing my Yoga to twice a week ( Sundays). You know me, always challenging myself!

And lastly, but far more importantly, I have ordered my copies of my memoir, which I will be selling next Sunday at my "Celebration of Life" So part one of my goal is done; now comes the hard part... getting it out there. I'm slowly working on it. I've identified some independent bookstores to sell my books. I plan to go on tour this summer to promote it.

SIDEBAR: Don't you know I have some people still trying to block my Sunshine.? " a friend" expressed my their doubt in my book getting onto Oprah, and thinks I should think smaller! See this is that "ish" I'm talking about. Because people put limits on themselves, they gotta put them on me, too????

Anyway, lucky for me, I have gotten enough feedback from my performances to let me know that I am fufilling my mission of inspiring folks. I've been doing a one woman show called...you guessed it... "Wonderfully Imperfect and Full of Complexity" I've only done it three times, but each time it gets better and better. And the feedback I've been getting has been overwhelming, in a good way. People have told me, from all backgrounds and age groups that my story has touched them. I love to hear that, because I believe that's why I'm here.Well until next time!

P.S. I quit my part time banquet job, a little less on my plate, and I decreased the youth activities because I'm realizing more and more that what I focus my attention on is what will manifest. My attention is on "The Right Amount of Sunshine!"

This is where I am

2010-02-21T20:03:00.000-05:00

So...almost two months into my new year, and I have to say, I'm still excited and very proud of myself. First, I have stuck to the wine and beer only thing, which was tough in the beginning, but I have officially been able to say no to the Grey Goose. Secondly, I have really slowed down on my lunch break and made time for myself. As a result, I am a lot more peaceful and less scatter-brained.
I've been really consistent with my morning ritual (except some weekends where I PLAN to be unproductive and lazy.) And I have officially kicked my dunkin' donuts habit, saving myself $40 bucks a month. I actually LOVE my homemade coffee, and brewing it is apart of my morning ritual.
What am I most excited about... the fact that I brought myself 5 pairs of jeans, all a size 10!!!! Yes, that's right, I released 8 unnecessary pounds. I am really on my way. I have to say, I've done well with the healthy habits, but I have partaken in take out. Not to make excuses, but a sista is busy working three jobs, mommying, and mentoring. However, I noticed I crave it less, and eat less when I do. My appetite has noticeably decreased...awesome!

As far as my book, I'm making steady progress. ( more than 3/4 done) It's tough writing about yourself. It's coming together just how I envisioned, though more slowly, thanks to real life. But my illustrator working on the cover and I plan to be done very soon.

I've had trouble with telling folks I love them. I know it's probably some deep rooted issue. My son is the only only it comes easy for. Everyone else gets in cards and thank you letters. But to actually vocalize it is tough. Still working on it.

I've decided to get another teaching license in either English or History to go along with my special education license. The more marketable, the better.

In the fall, I 'm looking at going for that PHD. (Maybe) I've already contacted a program, but I need to make sure I'm really committed before I begin. In the mean time, I'm filling out my paperwork to incorporate K.Y.D.S since my Diva pageant is this year.
(http://www.keepyouthdreamingandstriving.com/)

But I will get my certification as a Zumba instructor in April.

I love to set and reach goals, it's exciting to complete one thing and move on to the next. I'm happy that I am content with my ambition right now because often times I'm frustrated with it.

So far, I guess I would say, once again...I'm right where I'm supposed to be.
What about you? How are u doing?

2010-01-01T18:45:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year! I may not be where I want to be, but my spirit knows it is exactly where it is SUPPOSED to be. In 2009, I finally published my first novella, "Despite Everything" a story that I first began writing at 14. I also published my second poetry collection, where I held back nothing. ( Pat on my back.) I finished the District based licensure course to earn my second teaching license. I lost an unsightly 15 pounds. I completed my masters in Nonprofit Management and Philanthropy. But this year I need to take these accomplishments to the next level...I need to learn how to follow through. I published those books, but I didn't push hard to PUBLICIZE it. MARKET it. So what good is the book if no one really reads it other than my small circle of friends and fans? And 5 of those pounds I gained back during my struggles in November with family death/sickness. I gotta get on my grind. Not just go hard, but go my HARDEST!!!! I'm putting it out there to hold myself accountable, and to hold you accountable for holding me accountable.

This year:

I'm gonna release 15 more pounds, and keep it release!!!!!! Which isn't tough considering I used to be an 18 and now I'm a 12. I want to be a 10, borderline 8, so I have to gain control over my emotional eating and learn to deal with death in a more healthy manner. I will go back to those good habits I lost, like avoiding fast, fried foods, processed foods, and white pastas and bread. At work, I will commit to sit at my desk, listen to Jill Scott and eat my lunch slowly and consciously, because I deserve those few minutes in the middle of my day.I will be teaching a workout class twice a week, so that's great. I will challenge myself with yoga, consistently. I have to return to my strength and resistance training. I will workout 5days a week...PERIOD!

I am going to find a way to finance publicizing my books. I will travel out of state to spread it around. For my 32nd birthday, I will release my memoir, which I think I may want to look into getting an agent for. I gotta get to my girl Oprah before she goes off the air. I love my fanbase here, but I want the world to read and be inspired by my poetry and stories. I will visit my friend's cities first, to make connects. I will continue to be a walking advertisement for my art. I will have to do less shows for free so I can finance my dreams, time is precious. This also means less dunkin' donuts and more coffee brewing.

I will focus more on prayer and stillness so that I can be centered as I push myself to soar to great heights. So that I will have patience with my son, my family, my students, my friends, and myself. Every morning I will stretch, meditate, thank Jesus, and read everything on my vision board outloud as a reminder to be productive that day.

I will tell people I love them when I do. I've been through so much losing people, and I have to realize I have no control over that. I can only control how much I love them and how I show them while they are here.

I will take risks with my career path. I will either enroll in an administrator program to become a principle, or find a doctorate program. I will establish my youth program as a legal entity. I will not let fear allow me to procrastinate any longer. (But to be honest, I'm so set on reaching my goals as a writer, my future career steps are not quite crystal clear; I know I can't stay still.)

In my efforts to live a long healthy life....I am giving up hard liquor! What?? Yes, I am. I will still indulge occasionally in a Corona Light, or some Lambrusco (or Reisling, or Pino), but I am serious. It's a bunch of empty calories, and then it slows me down the next day, which means that I am being less productive.

I think that's all...for now. It's actually not a lot if I take it one day at a time, and know that you can only break habits if you make new ones.

I wish the best for you all and just want you to really LIVE. It's never too late to live out your dreams as long as you're breathing. So find yourself, and make it happen!

Knocked Off Focus

2009-11-22T12:38:00.000-05:00

Anyone that knows me, understands that I am driven.However, there is one thing that knocks me right off focus...DEATH. It instantaneously reminds me that I am not in control of anything, while putting me back in state of missing, yearning for my loved ones. This year, I lost a good friend to Leukemia, and not a day goes by that I don't think about Gail. And when I think about her cancer, I think about my mother's and my Ga-Ga's (my maternal grandmother) battle with the disease, and the suffering they went through. And while I try to console myself with the idea that they have moved on to a better place, I am still haunted by visions of them weak, in pain, so thin they are barely there, and it saddens me.

My great uncle just died from cancer on Thursday November 19, pancreatic I believe. I have constant thoughts of him, and my friend having to plan their own funeral services, and it hurts like hell. Any loss is tough but to watch someone suffer is torturous for my spirit; traumatizing. I think about my friend Gail, who was just getting ready to find herself as a woman. She finally knew what she wanted to do with her life, found the job she loved, and went back to school to further her career. Around the time of my birthday in 2008, she was diagnosed. Around the time of my birthday, 2009, she called to tell me that the doctors could do no more.

Not a day goes by that I don't want to call her, or laugh with her about something that I know only she would find funny. And when things happen, like my paternal grandmother being in the ICU for her heart, (which has been going on for a month) I just want my mommy or my Ga-Ga to be there to hug me and to help me through it. Instead, I just shut down. I lose focus, I make it through the day just to get in the bed. I don't want to be around others, even my family who are still alive and well. I just want to be in my dark place until I'm ready to see the sunshine again. And right now I'm just not ready.With the holidays coming around, ( I lost Ga-Ga on Christmas Day when I was 13) it only gets harder.

And I have prayed, I have meditated, and now I am writing, but the reality is, nothing ever helps until I'm ready to come back, re-focus, and live for today, though I'm not promised tomorrow.

Too much talking for my taste

2009-10-29T18:22:00.000-04:00

I commend those who work with our youth, either through employment or volunteering, but I am sooooo sick of those who do nothing put point the finger...at the school system, at parents, at each other! What good does that do us? The problem exists, period. So instead of looking at each other with condemning eyes, we need to look TO each other for help. It doesn't matter why that kid is a drop out, a drug dealer, or a thief. It doesn't matter if it's because the parents are absent or if they are poor. All of this is secondary. We can focus on the individual root cause AFTER we step in and start to fill what void exists...be it food, shelter, parenting, education. If individually, we spent as much time as we do watching T.V., or playing virtual games on internet social sites, as we did outside, on the front lines with our youth, well, then we'd have significantly lower teenage delinquency, pregnancy, and drop out rates. That's the reality of it all. Just a few hours a week with a child other than your own, who really needs it can make all of the difference in the world. Our teens, especially those 14 and over, are lost, without any vision of a future, and we need to get them back. We need to stop and speak to that kid we see skipping school at 9 am, we need to attend and create community events and show support to those who are doing things. There's so much work to be done, but " Many hands make light work."

Am I my sister's keeper?

2009-10-04T19:56:00.000-04:00

So, I've been thinking a lot lately how we "sistas" don't necessary treat each other like family, but more like enemies, and I just want to know, does it all come down to envy? It's like as long as she has some sort of flaw, overweight,unattractive, uneducated...then she's cool. But curse her if she has it all, a career,beauty,body, great personality,talent, and man, then she's a B**** or she's stuck up, or conceited, or whatever other negative term we can assign her. Think about it, if Tyra Banks looked like Sheryl Underwood (You know, the monkey bread lady from the movie Beauty Shop), then she wouldn't get the slack she does now. I love Tyra, she's beautiful, talented, a hell of a business woman, and she gives back. And I don't even wanna go there with the things I read about about Beyonce. People constantly try discredit her, and wish her failure. I remember when I saw the online video of her falling on stage during her tour, people said, "That's what she gets!" Why, because she knows how to gain world wide appeal and has been a superstar since her teenage years? Or is it because she's drop dead gorgeus even without weave, and a body to kill for? Even her humble attempt to fix what Kanye did to Taylor Swift on the VMA's did not go unmet with negative remarks. For whatever reason she gets labeled an undercover B****, which I just find hard to believe. But hey, I don't know her. I mean, we love Queen Latifah, because she was the heavy set tomboy, we love Oprah because she publicly struggled with her weight, and hasn't been seen as a sex symbol.We love Mary J. because she came from the hood, and Keyshia Cole.But had they been college educated and lived in suburbs, would we feel the same?

I just know that it bothers me that we can't just love and support one other; that we smile in each other's faces, but secretly despise. Instead of looking to each other of inspiration , many Black women look at each other as competition, and it's disheartening.
I'm the type to wish my people well, because a success for you, means a success for all of us. On the other hand, I've been a victim of what we call, "hatin'" and I couldn't understand because I wasn't even where I wanted to be yet. But it was the energy I felt, the behind my back talk.Craaaazy!

It's just like the coffee cup video featured below, you gotta focus on you, not everybody else. And perhaps if we genuinely support and uplift our "sistas", good will come our way.

Recently I 've met a few women who show nothing but love and encouragement, and at first I was distrustful because if you weren't in my circle, I'd think you had ulterior motives. Now I'm slowly learning that just because I got burned by other so called "sistas" doesn't mean I shouldn't open my heart and mind to the possibility of real ones.

Now that I've vented, feel free to follow me and post a comment. Am I wrong? Do you agree or disagree? What are your experiences? Is it just the "sistas" or do other races do it? I wanna know

Ambition is exhausting

2009-09-30T21:48:00.000-04:00

There is so much I want out of life, so many goals I want to accomplish, but we all know it's hard to keep moving forward steadily when we have to live day to day responsibilities while trying to accomplish them. Sometimes I feel like there's not enough time in the day to do it all. After working two jobs, exercising, running errands, volunteering,etc., I'm wiped out. But I have to keep telling myself that I can't be the person who lives so much in the present that I don't work for a future. I want to write so many more books, I want to launch my youth program, get my doctorate, get married, have one more baby, and just be happy. (So there, I'm putting it out there in the universe.)
With me trying to do so much, I get run down, tired, and frustrated every now and then. I lose focus and have to remind myself that slow and steady wins the race, and that as long as I am moving, I shouldn't stress about the pace at which I am doing so. But being the go getter I am, it gets exhausting. Then I have to wind down, rest my mind and body, recharge, and attack life again. Do you feel me?

I watched this video today to put myself back in a positive place, and give my mind some serenity.Let me know what you think.

2009-09-30T21:39:00.000-04:00

This is so true.We get bogged down when we don't focus on what's really important.

Finding your voice

2009-09-26T20:09:00.000-04:00

This is the first story I wrote. Since I was eight years old I knew I wanted to be a writer. I am a lucky one. When I was twenty, I discovered another voice, working with youth. I am a lucky one. There are people today who are still lost and trying to figure out where they fit in this big tapestry called life. There are people making big bucks, but go home unfufilled. There are people who make nothing, and are still unfufilled. Me, I've got my share of bills that get paid the day of shut off, and major projects I can't afford to do on my house, but I love my job! All of them. Teaching high school students who don't see school as a priority is tough stuff, but at the end of my day, I am exhausted and content. And I love to write poems and perform them. Not only are they therapy for me, but every now and then, I get to touch the life of another.

Have you found your voice? What is it? How do you know? If even you don't know what kind of job you want, what field do you belong in? What makes you happy? If you figure that out, stop making excuses and pursue it.

www.brendaschild.com

2009-09-25T18:24:00.000-04:00

Stay up to date on what's happening with the self-proclaimed diva and queen of self-esteem. See photos of my performances, and find out where you can see my next performances. Sign my email list. www.brendaschild.com

Outspoken...Poetry for the Bold

2009-09-25T18:00:00.000-04:00

Outspoken... Poetry for the Bold, my second collection will be available at all all online stores in November 2009. BUT YOU CAN BUY IT NOW...go to www.brendaschild.com right now. Just click on the book cover to preview or purchase.

" These poems take no prisoners as they ignite love, anger, pride, and sensuality in wonderfully thematic chapters." It is inspiring, fun, and honest, and you'll love it.