Knocked Off Focus

Anyone that knows me, understands that I am driven. However, there is one thing that knocks me right off focus...DEATH. It instantaneously reminds me that I am not in control of anything while putting me back in a state of missing, yearning for my loved ones. This year, I lost a good friend to Leukemia, and not a day goes by that I don't think about Gail. And when I think about her cancer, I think about my mother's and my Ga-Ga's (my maternal grandmother) battle with the disease, and the suffering they went through. And while I try to console myself with the idea that they have moved on to a better place, I am still haunted by visions of them weak, in pain, so thin they are barely there, and it saddens me.

My great uncle just died from cancer on Thursday November 19, pancreatic I believe. I have constant thoughts of him, and my friend having to plan their own funeral services, and it hurts like hell. Any loss is tough but to watch someone suffer is torturous for my spirit; traumatizing. I think about my friend Gail, who was just getting ready to find herself as a woman. She finally knew what she wanted to do with her life, found the job she loved and went back to school to further her career. Around the time of my birthday in 2008, she was diagnosed. Around the time of my birthday, 2009, she called to tell me that the doctors could do no more.

Not a day goes by that I don't want to call her or laugh with her about something that I know only she would find funny. And when things happen, like my paternal grandmother being in the ICU for her heart, (which has been going on for a month) I just want my mommy or my Ga-Ga to be there to hug me and to help me through it. Instead, I just shut down. I lose focus, I make it through the day just to get in the bed. I don't want to be around others, even my family who are still alive and well. I just want to be in my dark place until I'm ready to see the sunshine again. And right now I'm just not ready. With the holidays coming around, ( I lost Ga-Ga on Christmas Day when I was 13) it only gets harder.

And I have prayed, I have meditated, and now I am writing, but the reality is, nothing ever helps until I'm ready to come back, re-focus, and live for today, though I'm not promised tomorrow.