I Surrender

I said I wouldn't make this a pregnancy blog, but what I didn't know is that once you become pregnant, it is the primary focus of your life ( at least it has become for me.) When your body is tired, you can't pump it with caffeine and keep going, you have to rest. When you are angry, you can't work it off with an intense boot camp class, or go have a drink with the girls, you have to deal with it. When you feel like going into a fit of rage and throwing something, you remember it may be too heavy, or that the spike in your blood pressure may somehow be affecting your unborn baby.


I'd be lying if I said there aren't joys in the second trimester. I mean for starters, you actually LOOK pregnant instead of like you've had one too many cheeseburgers (something I crave constantly). I look in the mirror and actually think...damn I'm sexy. My breasts are full, and I look voluptuous, and that "glow" is real! I love putting together maternity outfits and wearing sassy novelty maternity T-shirts. I have more energy, and I love watching my stomach move when the baby kicks. Did I mention it's a boy?! See, it’s great finding out the sex, and preparing for the baby shower. I am truly anticipating my baby's arrival, and I love interacting with him through music and tummy rubs.

But here's where I have an issue. I know every pregnancy is different, but six months into it, I still get sick at least once a week. I am cursed with headaches and dizzy spells, and occasionally nausea creeps ups. Then there is the diet. You would think I could go crazy and eat whatever I want, right, I wish. I have to total love /hate relationship with food right now. I would love to go crazy, but hate that I don’t have the appetite. My baby only likes ice cream and cheeseburgers. Everything else, he can take or leave it. Other than breakfast, I have no desire to eat, so when I do, it's strictly for survival, to end the hunger pangs, and to not feel like I’m abusing my ravenous little infant.

Here’s my list of other complaints:


Peeing 2 to 3 times in the middle of the night

Sweating like I'm in a sauna in the middle of the night, and then being cold

Not being able to wear heels or wedges without the feet swelling and feeling like they're on fire

Being completely out of control with my emotions

Wanting my boyfriend to be right next to me and far way simultaneously

Waking up in the middle of the night with insomnia (forced to watch Lifetime movie network from like 2 to 4 am)

Insane nesting urges that force me to yell at the men in my home for not helping me clean)

Lower back pain, calf pain, and round ligament pain

Constant thirst

The leak of urine as I vomit ( I know TMI, but it is what it is)


Those are petty things that come with the territory. But there are two issues I struggle with that I didn't with the first. One is missing my mommy. I really just wish she or my grandmother was around to cook for me, to complain to, to just be around. A woman needs that when she's in such a vulnerable state.

The other thing is truly driving me NUTS! It's the lack of energy and feeling like my life is on hold while my baby incubates. When I was pregnant with my first son, all I had was college classes. When they were over I worked at Taco Bell until my 9th month, that's it. With this one, I have ceased performing (you would never guess how much air your diaphragm needs to spit poetry), and I have been too tired to work on my other book projects or hang out with my mentees. I had an active social life, from happy hour to poetry open mics, to concerts. That is gone because...I'm tired. After work, the bed is my respite (once housework is done and sometimes it doesn't get done). Then there's being a mom and auntie, helping with final projects, baseball practices and games.

I exercise, but to me it feels like not enough because I'm used to busting my ass, working until the point of exhaustion...no pain...no gain. When you are pregnant you'd better not!

I try to find joy in what I can, a line dance song or two at a family party, thinking about holding my little bundle, the fun I'll have at my baby shower; daydreaming of what his personality will be like. But every now and then the frustration creeps up on me and I feel...STUCK. Motionless, unaccomplished, unmotivated, this, in turn, can make me feel downright...depressed. I am an action type of chick, and I am getting none because I’m doing nothing. So I give myself a pep talk: I'm creating life, every second of the day until my baby is born and that takes ENERGY and time, so I have to learn PATIENCE and how to SURRENDER, two things I had trouble with even before I got pregnant...WISH ME LUCK.