Looking for Daddy

Psychologists have theories about how when we become adults we look for in our mates what we got and what we missed from our opposite-sex parent. I can totally buy into this. Immediately, I think about all of the great qualities I see in my dad. He's there when it counts, when I feel like I need to be rescued, financially or emotionally. He's proud of me, and that's a great feeling, having someone be proud and confident when it comes to your aspirations. My dad celebrates all of the milestones in my life, college graduations, the birth of my children, buying a house, getting my teaching license. What's more important is that I can feel his love in the tears he cries on those special days.

         My dad is so much more laid back than I am because I am high strung (passionate is the positive twist I put on it). He’s able to look at what really matters and pick and choose his battles. This is something I'm learning more and more how to do every day, though I admit it's often a struggle. And my competitive nature definitely stems from him because he never discouraged the tomboy in me; in fact, I think he liked the fact that his daughter was tough enough to wrestle down boys. I don’t think I can ever remember a time when he told me to act like a lady. So glad about that!

        But it wasn't until I did some real deep processing that I realized there were things I missed from him as a kid. My father was just 19 when I was born. After my mother died, he pulled a no-show on several occasions, leaving me and my sister sitting on the front steps of my grandmother's house waiting.

        Then there were the trips to Friendly's Restaurant ( still one of my favorite pastimes), that would have been so much better if at least every now and then it was just his kids and not his girlfriend's kids. Don't get me wrong, we had a great relationship with them, but he was still OUR daddy, and we never really got that one on one time with him. This leads me to the affection part. That tomboyish demeanor must have made my father feel like I didn't need consoling; I just needed to brush it off. As a result, I grew up hiding my anguish, putting on a shell even when I was crumbling inside. I don't blame my dad for any of this, because he was young, and as we've both gotten older, our relationship has grown closer and continues to do so. However, I have to be honest in saying that I feel my relationship with him directly relates to what I crave and loathe in a mate. For instance, my father was completely oblivious to my feelings and being stood up or not getting that alone time. I become absolutely incensed when a man is unaware of my feelings. I know men aren't minded readers, and anyone who knows me knows I speak my mind, so when I feel like you lack empathy or consideration; it's a problem for me! My feelings need to be validated if you are to be my man.

        Not calling to say he wouldn't be coming that day was irresponsible (a young thing, so easily forgiven). Yet and still an irresponsible man is a huge turn off for me! My father got a pass because he was young and inexperienced, but any man that is over 30 in my life, needs to have it together. Those are two of my biggest deal breakers.

Consequently, what I crave in a man is what I’ve gotten and still get from my dad. I need you to make me feel like I matter to you; my struggles, my dreams, my wants, my fears, are all important to you. Your world doesn't have to revolve around me, but show up when it matters, when I need it most. I am a strong, independent, superwoman, blah, blah, blah, and I can do it all, blah, blah, blah, but who wants to? Hell, even Superman is clumsy, quiet Clark Kent sometimes. I want to be vulnerable, so I need someone who can allow me to do so. I need to know that if I'm off duty, my world won't come shattering down because I left it in your hands and you didn't handle it.

This is what makes love hard, like my girl Iyanla Vanzant wrote, love is easy, it's the expectations we place on it that make it rough. Understanding why we have those expectations can sometimes help us to recognize why we become disappointed in our loved ones, and how we can take some of that pressure off of them.

        It's tough to say what you need and why you need, but I am glad that I am at a place where I can say it without reservation to my man and to others. What about you? What do you need, why do you need it?