At All Costs

My heart breaks every time I hear about a young person committing suicide because they are being bullied. There are so many stances people take on this, from blaming parents, to even saying that children don’t have thick skin anymore, teasing is a part of childhood. This coming from people who didn’t grow up in the world of social media, where remarks and comments aren’t just forever embedded in our memory, but on laptops and cell phones for the whole world to see with just a click; where unauthorized videos become weapons of blackmail, shame and coercion. So was the case with Tovonna Holton, a 15-year-old Florida teen who was filmed secretly in the shower by her  “peers” who then shared it to Snapchat, a popular social platform among teenagers. Now there is much speculation about whether or not Tovonna, who shot herself in the head actually killed herself because of the incident or because she had deeper issues. In the end, it doesn’t matter at all. She is no longer here but those images of her naked body still linger on the web, or in screenshots.  It’s, for this reason, I offer this advice to parents:   Be all up in your child’s business at all costs!

They won’t like it, as a matter of fact, they’ll be pissed off, but it is your right and it is your duty. If your child has an account on any social media platform, then you need one too! I allowed my son at 14 to have a Facebook account on the condition that he friended me.  Then I friended some of his friends. So easily they accepted my requests, and many those that didn't accept my request had accounts which weren’t private so I could snoop as needed. I remember one day, I had to intervene when I saw that one of my son’s white friends referred to him as “nigga” casually.  I checked him quickly with a comment ordering he removes it immediately and then later had a follow discussion about it. 

  If he ever used my computer and didn’t sign out, I would go Facebook through his messages.  When I saw he hadn't posted a while, I check his friend's pages to see if he created a new page, he had.  When Instagram came about, I followed him and his friends.  I needed to be sure he wasn’t posting pictures with someone’s gun, or puffing weed.  I didn’t want him caught up in the glamour of what he saw on videos, or to follow what he saw others doing. Until he turned 18, he also knew that he was would be subject to a “phone check” at any time. I refused to let my son catch a charge for sexting, so even though we had a discussion about, I still checked for it. Now that he approaches 19, I’m not one bit sorry.  I could have potentially prevented my son from incriminating himself. 

We’d all like to think that we raised our kids right, but the reality is it’s easy for young people to get caught up in the crowd, to join in on what they think is just mere teasing. How easy it is for a careless judgment call on their behalf to have life altering consequences.  That is why I am vehemently for protecting our teens from themselves and others. A couple of years ago one father went into his daughter’s messages to find an older man who started out as friends but quickly began soliciting her for sex. The father set this man up to meet his “daughter”only to show up in a place instead. Thanks to his risky move, that man was arrested.  I, too would go as far as create a fake account to monitor or prove to them how quickly things can escalate.  If we are not hyper vigilant, it can cost us our child’s freedom, safety or even worse their lives. 

I could care less about  children's right advocates or whomever else thinks my child has a right to privacy. I will protect my child as long as they are a child, and I suggest you do the same. It is our responsibility to go so far as to check each other's children , family and friends, after all it takes a village. 

Art is Complicated

As I scrolled down my news feed all week I knew eventually I would end up writing a blog about this Bill Cosby drama.  I also knew that I had thoughts, but not a clear-cut conclusion. You have conspiracy theorists who feel this is all about deflecting Black attention away from other, more important world and US topics. Others feel it’s another smear campaign against another Black man, or that the “victims” are doing it for the money. Questions have arisen about why victims waited so long, and even who the victims are. Researchers refer to this as RMA ( Rape Myth Acceptance), ideologies about a sexual assault which blames the victims, minimize the incident,  or supports the perpetrator.  This is the reason why even though there are more than an estimated 17 million rapes in the US a year, less than a quarter of them are reported.  Some women choose to suffer silently than to deal with the backlash, people questioning her morality, her dress, her sexual past, her relationship with the perpetrator. And when no one says anything, it sends the message to the perpetrator that it is ok; yielding an even more intense feeling of power and control over victims.

When I think about the how many women continue to come forward, I think about Rosa Parks, and how Coretta Scott King referred to what would become known as the Montgomery Boycott as “Spontaneous Combustion…suddenly everyone had had enough.”  This a movement exploded because it was one incident too many. Sometimes victims of sexual assault or abuse are empowered by others who show courage in stepping forward despite the consequences and speculation. So even if she slept with fifty men prior to, if sex, touching, etc., is not consensual, then it is sexual assault. Period.

I love the artistry of Bill Cosby. But as a fellow artist, it seems that the most genius of artists are usually so because they have major issues.   If you look at the greatest artists in music, paint, print, or stage, you will see they struggle with physical violence, drug use, and/ or an array of mental health issues: Prince, Michael Jackson, Chris Farley, Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes, Freddie Prince, Robin Williams, Virginia Wolfe Whitney Houston, Van Gogh, Tupac,  Ernest Hemingway, Michelangelo, James Brown, Edgar Allen Poe, and the list goes on and on. But we still love their art. Sometimes I think maybe I’m not that great because I’m still sane. (Just kidding, I’m know I’m great!) I digress.

Anyway, I think one of the bigger issues here is this culture has tendency to make  put our  celebrities and pioneers on pedestals, forgetting they  too are flawed, have pasts, and are not who they appear to be in the spotlight. I mean look at the number of people who aren't even celebrities but who pretend on social media, that they are not broke, jobless, deadbeat mothers and fathers. Look at people who pretend their life is so great, their relationship is perfect, and they love themselves when in actuality, they are in an abusive relationship, or an uncommitted relationship, they are lonely, they hate themselves, they are suffering. So why is it that Cosby is not a fake, but so many others are? I am in no way saying that the man is guilty. That is for a judicial system and whatever higher power he may believe in to decide. But it is not our right to pass judgment on his alleged victims.

          I have decided that I will use my artistry, my past pain to teach and lead by example, and share my challenges and my flaws and let the world know I’m flawlessly flawed. Thus this blog, Wonderfully Imperfect and Full of Complexity. And I will still watch every rerun of the Cosby Show that airs, and I will laugh out loud  guilt-free at Theo's bootleg Gordon Gartrail shirt made by Denise, Vanessa getting yelled at for doing the Locomotion in midriff, Saundra owing Claire $79.648 and 22 cents for dropping out of college,  and Rudy's feminist banter with BUD.