Lessons in Ratchet TV

Love & Hip Hop is a mess. But it’s my guilty pleasure and it’s definitely a great source for writing about self-esteem and womanhood. Recently, social media blew up after learning that after such a big wedding production last year,  Yandy Smith is not legally married to her children’s father Mendeeces because she never filed the paperwork. As a result, the mothers of  his other children couldn’t wait to condemn her for it. While the drama that resulted is ridiculous,  I still can empathize with the women, so I  won’t bash any of them  but I will defend Yandy’s choice 150%.  
First of all, I’ve been both the old baby momma and the new baby momma (Ugh, I despise that term). As the first baby mom I felt I was entitled to certain rights, that he loved me more that the next, that I was special. I was bitter because even though I called myself ending it with him, he was having a baby with someone he cheated on me with, supposedly when  we were  “on break.” ( Yeah ok, miss me with that one). I could forgive him, but not her.  So I went Petty Labelle on her, trying to make her jealous, keep him over later and a host of other dumb shit.  In my mind, she deserved to hurt the same way I did.Eventually I got my head out of my ass and realized that at the end of the day, I needed to focus on getting myself together, on healing from my own heartbreak instead of trying to cause it for someone else.
 As the new baby momma I thought I was special for a hot second. Once more I learned (first hand and through the lives of others)  about child support, and baby mommas who were angry and bitter, who misused child support  and those who needed every dime. But I also knew baby mommas who were over it and happy with their lives.  At different points in my life I was one who asked for nothing, and also who asked for basics,who demanded equal responsibility.
Based on what I learned about relatonships and self-worth over the last 17 years I respect Yandy for not signing that paperwork. When you marry someone you marry their debt and their credit score. If they don’t have their finances in order, you could in fact wind up paying child support, or the IRS, or extra insurance for their speeding tickets. The reality is, sometimes things don’t work out, and as woman we have to  protect and plan.  Enough us aren’t taught to protect our coins, get prenuptial agreements, invest. We are told to be loving and caring, to put everyone’s needs before our own.  F%ck that.  Happy endings are ideal but not promised and that is why collectively we have to do better, plan more intelligently. I don’t doubt Yandy’s love and devotion to her “husband”  because it’s possible to truly be invested in a man but still be equally invested in yourself. I hope the younger demographic watching takes notes on how to handle finances  and how to NOT handle relationships with women who are mothers to your children’s siblings. 

Art is Complicated

As I scrolled down my news feed all week I knew eventually I would end up writing a blog about this Bill Cosby drama.  I also knew that I had thoughts, but not a clear-cut conclusion. You have conspiracy theorists who feel this is all about deflecting Black attention away from other, more important world and US topics. Others feel it’s another smear campaign against another Black man, or that the “victims” are doing it for the money. Questions have arisen about why victims waited so long, and even who the victims are. Researchers refer to this as RMA ( Rape Myth Acceptance), ideologies about a sexual assault which blames the victims, minimize the incident,  or supports the perpetrator.  This is the reason why even though there are more than an estimated 17 million rapes in the US a year, less than a quarter of them are reported.  Some women choose to suffer silently than to deal with the backlash, people questioning her morality, her dress, her sexual past, her relationship with the perpetrator. And when no one says anything, it sends the message to the perpetrator that it is ok; yielding an even more intense feeling of power and control over victims.

When I think about the how many women continue to come forward, I think about Rosa Parks, and how Coretta Scott King referred to what would become known as the Montgomery Boycott as “Spontaneous Combustion…suddenly everyone had had enough.”  This a movement exploded because it was one incident too many. Sometimes victims of sexual assault or abuse are empowered by others who show courage in stepping forward despite the consequences and speculation. So even if she slept with fifty men prior to, if sex, touching, etc., is not consensual, then it is sexual assault. Period.

I love the artistry of Bill Cosby. But as a fellow artist, it seems that the most genius of artists are usually so because they have major issues.   If you look at the greatest artists in music, paint, print, or stage, you will see they struggle with physical violence, drug use, and/ or an array of mental health issues: Prince, Michael Jackson, Chris Farley, Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes, Freddie Prince, Robin Williams, Virginia Wolfe Whitney Houston, Van Gogh, Tupac,  Ernest Hemingway, Michelangelo, James Brown, Edgar Allen Poe, and the list goes on and on. But we still love their art. Sometimes I think maybe I’m not that great because I’m still sane. (Just kidding, I’m know I’m great!) I digress.

Anyway, I think one of the bigger issues here is this culture has tendency to make  put our  celebrities and pioneers on pedestals, forgetting they  too are flawed, have pasts, and are not who they appear to be in the spotlight. I mean look at the number of people who aren't even celebrities but who pretend on social media, that they are not broke, jobless, deadbeat mothers and fathers. Look at people who pretend their life is so great, their relationship is perfect, and they love themselves when in actuality, they are in an abusive relationship, or an uncommitted relationship, they are lonely, they hate themselves, they are suffering. So why is it that Cosby is not a fake, but so many others are? I am in no way saying that the man is guilty. That is for a judicial system and whatever higher power he may believe in to decide. But it is not our right to pass judgment on his alleged victims.

          I have decided that I will use my artistry, my past pain to teach and lead by example, and share my challenges and my flaws and let the world know I’m flawlessly flawed. Thus this blog, Wonderfully Imperfect and Full of Complexity. And I will still watch every rerun of the Cosby Show that airs, and I will laugh out loud  guilt-free at Theo's bootleg Gordon Gartrail shirt made by Denise, Vanessa getting yelled at for doing the Locomotion in midriff, Saundra owing Claire $79.648 and 22 cents for dropping out of college,  and Rudy's feminist banter with BUD.