2018-- Challenge and Change

 People probably think that completing my Ph.D. was my greatest accomplishment in 2018- but it was not. When I started my Ph.D. journey in October of 2012, I had a one-year-old, a teenager, and I was engaged to be married. I had authored four books (my memoir, a novella, and two poetry collections). I was in amazing shape and after 7 years of working in one building, teaching 5 subjects, I was one year into a new position as an English Teacher in another building. I just knew I would be done in 4 to 5 years because I did everything quickly. I had finished my master’s degree in a little over a year.  I would work on my Ph.D. and plan a wedding at the same time. Besides, I had already chosen my bridesmaids and maids of honor. My dress was picked out, and by the time I got my degree, I would have a different last name.

 I survived my dissertation and almost six years in a full-time Ph.D. program, but so many other things in my life did not.

Less than a year into my program, I dismissed three members of my huge wedding party, including one maid of honor.  Some childhood friends were no longer a part of my life just like that.  A misunderstanding turned out to be the universe's way of eliminating people who were not meant to accompany me on the journey to the next level. Turns out, neither was my fiancée, because the wedding would never happen...my relationship did not survive my Ph.D. either.

Know what else did not survive my Ph.D.? My ovaries and my breasts. But because I got rid of them, I will!  Consequently, my fit figure did not survive. Between four surgeries and menopause, my body has been through it, and I have had to learn to love it all over again.

My love of performing poetry also did not survive. Although I have published two more poetry collections, another novella, two journals, and a children's book. I birthed a new dream-----motivational speaking. I will always be a poet, it was my first love, but two years into my journey, I realized that not only did I need to share my story in writing, but also through speaking. I am meant to share my healing so that others may heal.

Homeownership also did not survive my Ph.D. During all the changes that were taking place in my life, I realized that much of what I had done for the last 20 years had been because I was trying to prove others wrong. I was fighting stereotypes. That was my motivation when I went to college, the first and second time. It was the reason I prolonged both of my engagements when I knew it would not work. It was the major reason I bought a house before I was 30 years old. I did not want to be another poor black single mother living in low-income housing. I would show them (whoever they were). Everything I said I would do, I did, and I had become known for that.

The reality was, I hated home ownership. I hated the responsibility of lawn care, snow removal in New England, buying a hot water heater, paying $275-$300 every two weeks to heat an old home. But that was the American way, and homeownership is applauded and viewed as a sign of higher status. 
Well, in a month before I defended my dissertation, I made the decision to put my house on the market and start fresh by renting and not worrying about a damn thing.  My oldest son was an adult, things were not working with my tenant, and it was just me and my 7-year-old in a big spacy house. I was ready for a change, for freedom from something I never really wanted. Some people supported this, others thought I was making a huge mistake. The more I heard people’s opinions, the more I realized that it was time for me to unlearn the ideologies that had been forced upon me by society. 
Marriage would not make me happy if he was not meant for me. And not being married didn't make me any less of a woman. What was the point in owning a home if I felt I had no real peace when I got home?  I even started questioning why I even wanted my degree anymore (although I was in too deep to quit at that point).

So, what am I am most proud of at the end of 2018? Defining success and joy on my own terms and setting clear boundaries with people who try to force me to think or do otherwise. It is not easy, because people will guilt you, manipulate you, or try to make you feel less than for doing what is best for you. But in the end, if you cannot ignore the outside noise from others, you will never hear your inner voice, which is ultimately a higher power guiding you exactly where you need to be.  Although it had many challenges, I end 2018 full of gratitude, joy, and serenity. I wish you a Joyous New Year! Do you boo!

No Matter What They Say

Centered on the world's stage,

she sings to her loves and beloveds,

to her foes and detractors:

However I am perceived and deceived,

however my ignorance and conceits,

lay aside your fears that I will be undone,

 for I shall not be moved. - Maya Angelou

One of my favorite and most quoted poems. It’s been swirling in my head lately as I think about people’s opinions and how they should be handled. (The barrage of opinions on social media after  Beyoncé's Grammy performance started it all).

 As a self-proclaimed diva and Queen of self-esteem you can bet that I carry myself with an epic ( like EPIC) level of confidence. As an educator, mother and youth worker I am passionate and outspoken in advocating for them. As a black woman, I am adamant about using my art as activism.  All of this is subject to both celebration and misunderstanding. But if I responded to every single prejudgment, criticism, or straight  throw of shade, I would then be detracted from my life’s work. Instead I ask myself some key questions before responding one of three ways:

1.  Keep going ( ugh, it’s so hard sometimes).  Ask yourself, does this person’s opinion ultimately affect my life or my life's work?  There will be people who won’t believe in your dreams, there will those who try to compete with you, and there will be those who allow themselves to be influenced by other’s opinions of you.  If these people have no influence over your income, then keep it moving. As long as you are authentic, people will eventually see the truth past other people’s smoking mirrors, sabotage, and rumors.  In other words “Twirl on them haters”- 

Song Suggestions:

 Jill Scott- Hate on Me

Queen-Janelle Monae

Fake Love- Drake

          No time -Lil Kim

2.   Clarify - If I think your opinions matter, I first ask myself why it matters. If it’s because I truly value you or because you in fact can help me with my mission, then I will make an effort for you to get to know me better or to explain my perspective so that we can come to  a mutual understanding. I have to say this is one of  my least used responses because frankly, I find it time consuming if you clarify yourself to the wrong people.
     Sometimes your clarification doesn't have to be direct. It can be more indirect- in the form of a major statement- ( as poet my clap back game is major). I look at Beyoncé and how she responds to haters through music videos and live performances- in that I can show you better than tell you manner. Yasssss!

   Song suggestions:

            Tru-Lloyd

             Apple Tree- Eryka Badu

                     Hate it or Love it-Mary J. Blige

                    Woo-ha Got you all in check- Busta Rhymes

3.   Reflect ( Also hard as hell) –  10 years ago I’d give you the side eye and stank face all rolled into one if you suggested I reflect on others' opinions. I mean, to actually think that 10 people use the same unflattering word to describe you is tough, but necessary...if you want to grow. Sometimes I reflect and I’m like WRONG ( it's about them not me), and other times I’m like, DAMN they’re right! And then I make a conscious decision to work on it if it is something I care about.  It requires pushing your ego all the way to side and sometimes it sucks.

Song suggestions:

Strength Courage and Wisdom- India Aire

Man in the Mirror- Micheal Jackson

I Remember Me-Jennifer Hudson

Everything is Everything- Lauryn Hill

Twirl on!

Lessons in Ratchet TV

Love & Hip Hop is a mess. But it’s my guilty pleasure and it’s definitely a great source for writing about self-esteem and womanhood. Recently, social media blew up after learning that after such a big wedding production last year,  Yandy Smith is not legally married to her children’s father Mendeeces because she never filed the paperwork. As a result, the mothers of  his other children couldn’t wait to condemn her for it. While the drama that resulted is ridiculous,  I still can empathize with the women, so I  won’t bash any of them  but I will defend Yandy’s choice 150%.  
First of all, I’ve been both the old baby momma and the new baby momma (Ugh, I despise that term). As the first baby mom I felt I was entitled to certain rights, that he loved me more that the next, that I was special. I was bitter because even though I called myself ending it with him, he was having a baby with someone he cheated on me with, supposedly when  we were  “on break.” ( Yeah ok, miss me with that one). I could forgive him, but not her.  So I went Petty Labelle on her, trying to make her jealous, keep him over later and a host of other dumb shit.  In my mind, she deserved to hurt the same way I did.Eventually I got my head out of my ass and realized that at the end of the day, I needed to focus on getting myself together, on healing from my own heartbreak instead of trying to cause it for someone else.
 As the new baby momma I thought I was special for a hot second. Once more I learned (first hand and through the lives of others)  about child support, and baby mommas who were angry and bitter, who misused child support  and those who needed every dime. But I also knew baby mommas who were over it and happy with their lives.  At different points in my life I was one who asked for nothing, and also who asked for basics,who demanded equal responsibility.
Based on what I learned about relatonships and self-worth over the last 17 years I respect Yandy for not signing that paperwork. When you marry someone you marry their debt and their credit score. If they don’t have their finances in order, you could in fact wind up paying child support, or the IRS, or extra insurance for their speeding tickets. The reality is, sometimes things don’t work out, and as woman we have to  protect and plan.  Enough us aren’t taught to protect our coins, get prenuptial agreements, invest. We are told to be loving and caring, to put everyone’s needs before our own.  F%ck that.  Happy endings are ideal but not promised and that is why collectively we have to do better, plan more intelligently. I don’t doubt Yandy’s love and devotion to her “husband”  because it’s possible to truly be invested in a man but still be equally invested in yourself. I hope the younger demographic watching takes notes on how to handle finances  and how to NOT handle relationships with women who are mothers to your children’s siblings. 

A change gon' come

Wow, it's been a whole two months since I've written! Excuse my lateness! I blame it on Spring...so many new things have been blossoming for me, both blessings and lessons. The lesson I'm currently learning is to keep my emotional cup full. Usually I'm pretty good about self-care, making time for me, for family, for friends, for work, for fun. I'm great with making time for my physical, and definitely my spiritual.  What I found out I sucked at is understanding that sometimes it's okay to put my feelings over other people's feelings. I'm such an empath that often I feel people's pain to a point of physical discomfort, but recently I've had to remind myself that my feelings matter too; particularly with grown people. There are several people in my life who take advantage of my kindness, who take my emotional strength or my financial generosity for granted. Of course, me being who I am, I always try to see things from their perspective... until lately. This is because I'm noticing that they really don't give a fuck about my feelings. Seriously! 
So as painful this was, I had to put my foot down and make some changes. Hopefully, upon reflection, they will understand but if not, too bad. I'm abusing myself by letting people take advantage of me, whether it's business or personal. I sit back and remain in silent misery just so someone else won't feel bad. I mean one day I was in literal tears because I couldn't understand how people can be like that, totally inconsiderate of my feelings.  But now that I've made my point clear and stood my ground, I feel wonderful. I do know that this will be a constant struggle for me though because I'm a natural nurturer, but in 2016, I'm gonna let grown people nurture themselves!

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow

Yesterday I didn't get up when my alarm clock went off, so I lost 20 to 25 minutes of preparation, including breakfast.  It was snowing outside and the ride to work was long and treacherous. My teenage son was defending his failure to do chores through text messages. my toddler had been up all night complaining if growing pains. So I had McDonald’s and drank coffee, and Diet Coke and Pepsi (I know so bad). And I ordered a pastrami grinder with potato chips for lunch, just because I knew it would feel good. All to stay awake so I could work on my research (through my lunch and my break) so I can get one step closer to becoming Dr.Boz.  By the end of the day, I’d run out of steam. I mean I was too tired to even drink my Thursday night glass of Cabernet. On top of that, I had a headache and cramps, and it was cold outside. I was exhausted and cranky. But I was supposed to continue working on my writing which is due in a week. Instead, I decided to change into my sweats, take two ibuprofen, and drink tons and tons of water, and some decaf green tea.  I whipped up some quick chili for the family then I turned the lights down low, got lost in some mindless “reality” TV. When I got sleepy, I went to sleep. Robert Roberts once said that her mother told her,  "When you are having a bad day, just go to bed." I told myself that if I slept well tonight I would have more energy to keep fight tomorrow. 

Robin's mother was right. I was right. I woke this morning, made my eggs, and a healthy, vitamin-filled shake with almond milk for lunch.  I felt energized and yes, ready to finish that work. I feel so good that I had to write this post to share my take away from the last 24 hours.

 First, sometimes you just have to stop and take a break from whatever it is to rejuvenate, clear your head. Balance will be restored naturally. I ate horribly yesterday and drank horribly, but today I’m craving good stuff. My attitude was horrible, not just because of PMS, but also because I was frustrated with the challenges I was facing. When I get overwhelmed, I become a bit snappy, I become lethargic. Secondly, I was reminded that everything is temporary. The fact is I will have some major writing to do this weekend, but next Friday, I will be done. Sometimes we have to focus on the end result instead of dwelling on the struggle. When you are sinking you have to put your energy into swimming to land, not into the thoughts of drowning. #ICanDoThis

Change is beautiful...but difficult

     Just because I’ve been friends with someone for 15 or 20 years, doesn’t mean I’ll be friends with them forever, or that I  feel obligated to remain friends. You can become family, sometimes long distance family. In other words, I still love you, and if need me I’ll be there, but we no longer share things like common interests, and we may be at different places in our lives. And in some cases, we cannot even be that. I can still love you, but our friendship has diminished because it has been uneven….I have been the one to call, invite, support, listen, and you haven’t. Now I am okay with breaking away from people who I care about for my own piece of my mind and personal growth.

      I never thought I could make friends as an adult because I was all set with the ones I meet as a preteen. While there are a few of them I am still friends and BEST friends with, over the last few years I have come to love, trust, and become true friends with some wonderful women who have put equal effort, time, live and support into creating  a friendship with me and I’m excited about it. 

            Another frustrating lesson about change is:

                      

                          if not me, then who? 

        So many people complain about the situations at work at home, and in society, but that’s where it ends. They do nothing about it. Sometimes I ask myself, why are you always the one to want to start a revolution, to call attention to (excuuuuse my language, but there really is no better word…. bullsh*t? Is there something wrong with me because when I see something unjust, or illogical, I need to speak on it to the powers that be, create an action plan, or urge them to create a plan?  NOPE! There’s nothing wrong with it. The reality is if I don’t, and if all of the other people created to be agents of change don’t live out that purpose, then the world will be even more screwed up.

        It took a while to get that hang of this. I learned along the way that you have to do your homework before you go complain; understand how things work. Then you need to offer a solution or ideas, because no one wants to hear you say what’s wrong if you don’t have insight on why it’s wrong and how it can be made better. The part that I am working on is ACCEPTING that other people are not going to share my passion, my duty, to be an agent of change. Some people do not realize they can be a change agent, and some people are just content with the status quo. And while they may hate how things go at the office, at home, in their cities, they do nothing but keep complaining about it to people who also complain and do nothing. Sigh.

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No more guilt!

So it was much to my disappointment last night that I was amped up for about an hour to go somewhere. Then reality set in. I was exhausted and dozing off on a Saturday night at 10:30. I couldn’t even finish the lifetime movie I had started. Reluctantly, I surrendered. But even I as lay in bed I had to reason with and remind myself that I needed to listen to my body, which was screaming it was tired. Tired from working out strenuously for 4 days in the week; from being on my feet ( even if they are mostly flats) pacing back and forth as a teacher, tired from running after a 1 1/2-year-old, tired from traveling to rehearse for an upcoming play, tired of typing! Not only was my body drained, but my mind also needed to rest. During the week I’m up at 5:45am and I’m in bed by 11 or 12 at night. The only time I truly relaxing during those hours is when I sit on the couch with my baby while he dozes off on the arm of the chair. So I had to once again remind myself to keep my eyes on the prize. I kick ass during the week to make my dreams come true, to be the best teacher I can be, to keep myself healthy, and take care of my family. I have to rely on QUALITY time instead of quantity when it comes to the household. Therefore when the WEEKENDS…. So does my running around and being outside of my home. My Saturday and Sunday ( unless of course, I have an event) are dedicated to my the home front.  So if you don’t see much, this is why, and I am okay with it ( Most times ;)   EVERY NOW AND THEN I HAVE TO REMIND MYSELF THAT IF I WANT MY LIFE TO BE DIFFERENT I HAVE TO DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY.

Whew...

My first week back at work after 2 months, and guess what I’m still learning…yup…how to surrender! While I thought I suffered from a lack of sleep over the last few months, reality really hit this week. See, when I was on maternity leave, I could go back to sleep in the mid-morning. Now when my bookas ( my baby)  wakes up at 5am, we have to stay up and get ready to venture out so I can be at work by 7:15. So All week I’ve been getting about 4 to 5 hours of sleep.   
   I thought I would spring into things and fully become the old me... Work, home, and gym, after eating well all day and drinking plenty of water. NOPE! Instead, it’s 3 cups of coffee a day, a glass of wine at night, no gym at all, and take out for breakfast, sometimes skipping lunch or sucking down something like Taco Bell so I can catch-up on my lesson planning. ( I brought water to work every day and drank only half of it. Totally not my style, I usually drown myself in water).
     After only stopping to pee all day, I leave work at 2:30 and it’s off to home to do chores, pick up my son from practice, help my nephew with homework, figure out what the hell we are having for dinner, and spend time with my baby (who misses mommy. ) I’m tired just writing about it. My first instinct was to trip, flip, and breakdown. Stamp my feet and say…I can’t do this!!!!!. But something as simple as a hot shower at the end of the day or India Aire in the morning changes all of that and puts things into perspective. There is no longer an old me. So what do I do? I re-invent myself to adapt to my new life. The inner me, the dreamer, the poet, the dancer, the make it happener (okay not a word) are still the essence of who I am, but I have to re-adjust.



I decided to just survive this first week, get into the hang of things, get the timing right, figure out what works and what doesn’t, so that next week I can not just survive but actually feel accomplished when I‘m done. This meant looking past laundry that needed to be done, leaving the baby’s pj’s on the bed until I get home (instead of feeling like they had to be put in the hamper), and being okay with leaving the flat iron in the bathroom, or the iron on the kitchen table. The world won’t end if the house is out of order until I come home.

Now that it’s Thursday and I feel like I made it, I’m ready for some more re-adjustments. So next week I will replace two of those coffees with decaf green tea, and find time to drink water while I’m at work besides just at lunch. Besides I'm sure my students won't mind if I stop talking for a few minutes.  I pledge to get in some exercise which I know is my best source of energy, at least once a day. Even if it’s just some jumping jacks while waiting for my hot water to boil! I went shopping last night to buy me some healthy snacks and lunch…no more skipping meals! That’s all I’m asking of myself. Just a little bit of my time to improve my quality of life, be my best self and more importantly keep my sanity in my new crazy life.