Woman Circle

If you know me, then you know I suffered loss at an early age. In the past I felt deprived times two for losing my mother at 4 and my grandmother at 13. But the older I get, and the more self-reflective I become, I realize that through some sort of divine design, I had the opportunity to be molded by numerous beautiful, powerful, loving Black women, a few who have been completely pivotal.

My Ga-Ga

Who I write about extensively in my memoir, planted the seed of self-esteem in me by making me feel everything I did was wonderful. Her love and nurturing built the foundation for the Queen of Self-esteem.

 My paternal grandmother

When I used to spend the night at her house she was hardly there at night. She was hanging with her friends. She was out doing her thing. You know why, because she had raised her 8 kids. In my grandmother I learned that there is no honor in self-sacrificing and that as a mother who took care of everyone else, there was nothing wrong in taking me time. Yasssss!  

My maternal aunts

My aunt Gloria

  The image that will never leave my head is of playing outside and seeing her come walking down the street in a business suit and sneakers with her shoes in a bag. I thought it was fabulous, she was career woman, a mom and a wife.  That image of her found its way in my subconscious. I could do it all if I wanted.

My aunt Saundra

 She was the original Carrie from Sex in the City. Always dressed up and going out. But she also had a career. What I remember most about my childhood was that she would have relationship, but when she was no longer feeling it, she would bounce, leave, come back home if she needed to. Through her I learned that you don’t have to settle. She never settled, she got just what she wanted in a man, and he supports her career.

My aunt Sharon

 As the youngest, she was the one who had the birds and bees talk with me and my friends. She was young, cool, and smart. Her man was fine, so what she said had to be true. Even more importantly, when I was 12, she took and in my room and taught me about breast self-exams. It was the beginning about me being hyper vigilant about my health.

My aunt Gwen a.k.a Two Cent

 She passed away suddenly at age 36. She taught me about the brevity of life cherishing each moment. As a fellow poet we shared a love of arts and music. To this day when I hear the reggae tune, "Baby Can I hold you” I think of her. She was not afraid of being different. Neither am I.

 Carol (Hoffman) Sullivan

I truly don’t think I would have made it out of high school or adolescence without her.  I was in such a dark, secret place but she brought me out of it with her wit, her intelligence, beauty and empathy. And she looked me. ME who looked like no one with light eyes and light hair. Such an important thing for growing girls to see. ( If you have a picture of her, I'll take it).

Natalie Dorm

As my tutor, she was not for me playing small. I was intelligent, and I needed to embrace it. As an adult and colleague, she taught me that being an educator means speaking up about what matters, how to make English class something students would grow to love if you aren’t afraid to step outside the box. After watching her, I never stayed in the box.

 Dora Robinson 

She  taught me the importance of leadership and empowering other women. She did it by leading by example. She is the one who put me on my path of working with young people, simply because she wanted to help a single mom and college student who worked late nights at a gas station. She showed me how to play the game and  win!

 Marjorie Hurst

She is the one who, after a year of writing for her newspaper asked, “when are you going to make a book?” She planted a seed that sprouted into 11 publications to date. She also taught me the importance of networking. Had her son and I not been close friends, she wouldn’t have gotten my resume put to the top of a pile for what has been my career for 14 years.

Essie Lee

My eldest son’s grandmother taught me about resilience. We both lost our mothers at a young age and were raised by family. She was tough but loving, like me. When her son and I broke up, she gave me the best advice. She told me that even and especially when I’m feeling my worst, dress up. Never let them see you down. Today I still do it. When I’m sad,  or sick, lipstick and heels make it better, if only a little.

 Tammy Marie

My eldest son’s aunt helped me balance the tomboy in me as a young woman. As a woman 7 years older than me,  she taught me that even being a tomboy, I could still smell delectable, and turn on the sexy when needed. To this day, I sleep in nothing, but sexy clothes and I always smell amazing if I don’t say so myself.

 

 Of course, I continue to be shaped by women my age and elders from the present and past (perhaps I’ll share in another post). However, where I am right now, today, is because of the women who led by example. So how can I not? Cheers to #blackgirlmagic.

Fake love, No Love

 I forgot all about the Billboard awards  on TV, but it was no coincidence that as soon as turned the channel Drake was accepting his first award of the night. He spoke about a so called “friend” who didn’t support him because the "friend" felt that he got enough love from other people. Immediately I could relate. I've had people not compliment me because I already know I’m cute, people not support me they figure everyone else is, or because they don’t want me my head to get bigger. I have several responses for this type of nonsense. Firstly, there are only a few people’s opinions that matter to me, so chances are a compliment or a throw of shade will not affect my high ass level of self-esteem. This is not a front, I know I’m fabulous! Secondly, because soooo many other people support me, you can’t? Really? True friends support regardless of who doesn’t. Thirdly, why don’t you admit that this isn’t about me, or the “so many” other people who support me, it’s you being a straight HATER.   Maybe it’s not necessarily that you want to be me, but you want to be LIKE me, out here loving me and chasing my dreams. And since you can’t love yourself, how can you possibly love me correctly? You can’t, so float on.

Yes, it would be that easy for me because the older I get the less tolerance I have for people who aren’t authentic and who are so caught up in their own insecurities it distracts them from living their lives to the fullest, and having healthy relationships. And furthermore, it’s exhausting always having to carry people and all their baggage. No ma’am, not in 2017. Not anymore, not ever.

Building Your Squad

Beside this Queen is a squad so thorough, it’s amazes me every time I think about it. I can chase my dreams with the confidence that without even asking my crew will dish out offers of assistance and support and a "What you need girl?"  I was blessed (seriously though) to consistently have this astronomical  amount of back up all my life…through pregnancies, break ups, awards, surgeries and more. There are many people who don’t have a support system, or even worse don’t use to their advantage. Yes, I said advantage, not in the exploitation sense, but in the using your resources effectively sense. So, whether you come from a big family or not this is how you build the bomb squad:

1.)    Call people on their bluff-   You know those people who say, “Let me know if you need something” or “call me if you need to talk”.  Perhaps they aren’t bluffing and they are sincere, then hooray for you.  Perhaps that are full of shit. Well... now you know that you can’t count on them, which makes you one step closer to  getting your team because now you know who isn't on it.  In either case, be clear about what it is you need and ask for it, knowing the worst a person can say is no.

2.)    Compartmentalize your needs- and delegate accordingly. Everyone cannot be your everything. Think about the areas where you need it the most, and connect with those who can provide the best support for  you in that area. For example, when I need to vent about my day job, I call on a fellow teacher friend, who understands the lingo and the challenges specific to the field.  When I’m overwhelmed with the being Black in America, then I want to be around my people. Think about it, how backwards would it be for me to seek financial advice from someone who doesn’t have two pennies to rub together?  Someone who you lean on for support with getting closer to God is not necessarily the person who will help you update your resume
3.)    Use the Barter System-  It’s worked for generations. If someone can help you build your website, you can get them to guest passes to your fitness class. This is one of my favorites for single mothers  who need babysitters. Not only are you getting the help you need but you are feel empowered by using your talent or time to help someone else out.

4.)    Family isn’t always first-  my family is huge and I have no problem asking them for help. Most of them have no problem but we all have those shady, self-absorbed, unempathetic family members. If that’s most of your family, then sometimes you must make your own with people who are more trustworthy and consistent.

5.)     Get to know your community- Search the internet and ask what’s available in your community- mental health care providers, support, church/mosque/temple groups, community centers, and their programs. How can you take advantage of free stuff if you don't know about it?

6.)    Get you some YES and NO people -Diversity matters. Sometimes you need that person to pull you in off the ledge and tell you "Hell no! Don't do it."  and " You are wrong."  But you also need someone to tell you, " Hell yeah!  You can do it!"  when you may be hesitant to accept the next challenge. In the same way you need a nice mixture of people who give you the unfiltered truth and those who can break it to gently because sometimes you need a hug and other times you need a kick in the ass.

Whatever it is you are going through, you may feel lonely but you don’t have to be alone. Start taking inventory and stock up as needed. You deserve a BOMB squad!

An open letter to young women in unhealthy relationships.

Dear Young Woman  Lost,


 When  we older women try to tell you to walk away, to leave him alone, we know you won’t listen because we didn’t listen when they tried to tell us. More often than not when we are in love, we think we’re different, that we will prove the naysayers wrong. Consequently, we end up regretful and hurt. For some, it becomes a valuable lesson in personal growth. For others, it becomes the start of a vicious cycle of unhealthy, abusive relationships. Some become better women and others become broken. It is my hope that all of you reading this will be the ones who become better. And while you will have to navigate your own journey, let me leave you with some gems. 

1. If you feel alone, guilty, hurt, afraid, smothered, or any negative emotion a majority of the time, odds are you are in an emotionally ( and hopefully not physically) abusive relationship. It will not get better no matter what you do or don’t do.  Love certainly has its up and downs, but it shouldn’t have more downs than up and it shouldn’t frantically go up and down on a daily basis. So many people think that because he doesn’t hit you, it’s not abusive. Threats, constant cheating, intimidation, name calling, and isolation from people who love you are all forms of abuse. Hurt people hurt people… Don’t let him break your spirit!
2. If is not your responsibility to fix him or to make him happy. If he isn’t already a happy person, then once again, nothing you do will matter long term.  Don’t be guilted into staying because he had a difficult life, or because he has no family, or because of “all” he’s done for you. He’ll be alright, and if he isn’t, at least you will be. This also means you don’t allow him to be solely responsible for your happiness. That’s your job. Work on you instead of trying to fix him.
3.   Just because you have children together does not mean you have to stay together.  I know... you want it to work; you don’t want another baby daddy.  Here’s the reality. Happy mommy equals happy kid. They feel your energy, they know when you are hurting and they absorb it. Even worse, they learn what they see… that men are supposed to hurt women. You are your child’s first teacher, set an example. 

4.  Don’t compromise who you are under any circumstances. That means you don’t:  stash his drugs, do sexual favors that make you uncomfortable, quit doing what you love, not take care of your emotional and physical health. Once you lose yourself, it’s hard to get back. Don’t let your relationship or its status define you. 
5. Most importantly, YOU WILL GET THROUGH AND OVER THIS. Surround yourself with people who are positive models for healthy relationships and those who know how to do single like bosses. They are proof that it can be done.


          You are beautiful, you are enough.  And know that I am here for you when you are ready and if you have questions  Stay up ladies. Love you.


Here is an additional source:  http://www.loveisrespect.org/is-this-abuse/types-of-abuse/

Change is beautiful...but difficult

     Just because I’ve been friends with someone for 15 or 20 years, doesn’t mean I’ll be friends with them forever, or that I  feel obligated to remain friends. You can become family, sometimes long distance family. In other words, I still love you, and if need me I’ll be there, but we no longer share things like common interests, and we may be at different places in our lives. And in some cases, we cannot even be that. I can still love you, but our friendship has diminished because it has been uneven….I have been the one to call, invite, support, listen, and you haven’t. Now I am okay with breaking away from people who I care about for my own piece of my mind and personal growth.

      I never thought I could make friends as an adult because I was all set with the ones I meet as a preteen. While there are a few of them I am still friends and BEST friends with, over the last few years I have come to love, trust, and become true friends with some wonderful women who have put equal effort, time, live and support into creating  a friendship with me and I’m excited about it. 

            Another frustrating lesson about change is:

                      

                          if not me, then who? 

        So many people complain about the situations at work at home, and in society, but that’s where it ends. They do nothing about it. Sometimes I ask myself, why are you always the one to want to start a revolution, to call attention to (excuuuuse my language, but there really is no better word…. bullsh*t? Is there something wrong with me because when I see something unjust, or illogical, I need to speak on it to the powers that be, create an action plan, or urge them to create a plan?  NOPE! There’s nothing wrong with it. The reality is if I don’t, and if all of the other people created to be agents of change don’t live out that purpose, then the world will be even more screwed up.

        It took a while to get that hang of this. I learned along the way that you have to do your homework before you go complain; understand how things work. Then you need to offer a solution or ideas, because no one wants to hear you say what’s wrong if you don’t have insight on why it’s wrong and how it can be made better. The part that I am working on is ACCEPTING that other people are not going to share my passion, my duty, to be an agent of change. Some people do not realize they can be a change agent, and some people are just content with the status quo. And while they may hate how things go at the office, at home, in their cities, they do nothing but keep complaining about it to people who also complain and do nothing. Sigh.

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Get out of the Clouds

So I totally had tears swell up in my eyes when I heard Kelly Rowland’s “Dirty Laundry” because it touched on sooo many topics. Specifically for me was the friendship aspect. It’s so hard to be happy for your friend (or family) when you’re going through some sh*t. It’s not so much jealousy as it what I call cloudy. You want to be happy, but you are so unhappy it’s ridiculous, and you can’t see past anything else. I remember going through that when one of my friends went away to college, met her a husband, got married, bought a house, and did it all in the right order. Here I was, going to a local college, a single mom, and living in an apartment. But, and I write about this in my memoir, it wasn’t my time. I couldn’t find the one for me until I was ready mentally and emotionally. I thought I was healed but I wasn’t. I had to struggle as a single mother so my testimony could touch others like me.  I had to be the one to show and prove that all is possible despite obstacles.  Now I know this. So when I hear Kelly I can relate, and  now that after several attempts,  she’s finally making her mark, it is no surprise. When your spirit and mind is right things will fall into place. Until then you can’t be jealous, or become cloudy and distant because things aren’t how you want right now. Instead reach out; look for resources and people who can help you get to where you need to be. This may be a spiritual leader, a good friend, a mentor, or sometimes just our inner self when you listen. This is what I try to instill in those around me who feel I have it all and have become distant,shoot...'cause I 've been there, done that!