Woman Circle

If you know me, then you know I suffered loss at an early age. In the past I felt deprived times two for losing my mother at 4 and my grandmother at 13. But the older I get, and the more self-reflective I become, I realize that through some sort of divine design, I had the opportunity to be molded by numerous beautiful, powerful, loving Black women, a few who have been completely pivotal.

My Ga-Ga

Who I write about extensively in my memoir, planted the seed of self-esteem in me by making me feel everything I did was wonderful. Her love and nurturing built the foundation for the Queen of Self-esteem.

 My paternal grandmother

When I used to spend the night at her house she was hardly there at night. She was hanging with her friends. She was out doing her thing. You know why, because she had raised her 8 kids. In my grandmother I learned that there is no honor in self-sacrificing and that as a mother who took care of everyone else, there was nothing wrong in taking me time. Yasssss!  

My maternal aunts

My aunt Gloria

  The image that will never leave my head is of playing outside and seeing her come walking down the street in a business suit and sneakers with her shoes in a bag. I thought it was fabulous, she was career woman, a mom and a wife.  That image of her found its way in my subconscious. I could do it all if I wanted.

My aunt Saundra

 She was the original Carrie from Sex in the City. Always dressed up and going out. But she also had a career. What I remember most about my childhood was that she would have relationship, but when she was no longer feeling it, she would bounce, leave, come back home if she needed to. Through her I learned that you don’t have to settle. She never settled, she got just what she wanted in a man, and he supports her career.

My aunt Sharon

 As the youngest, she was the one who had the birds and bees talk with me and my friends. She was young, cool, and smart. Her man was fine, so what she said had to be true. Even more importantly, when I was 12, she took and in my room and taught me about breast self-exams. It was the beginning about me being hyper vigilant about my health.

My aunt Gwen a.k.a Two Cent

 She passed away suddenly at age 36. She taught me about the brevity of life cherishing each moment. As a fellow poet we shared a love of arts and music. To this day when I hear the reggae tune, "Baby Can I hold you” I think of her. She was not afraid of being different. Neither am I.

 Carol (Hoffman) Sullivan

I truly don’t think I would have made it out of high school or adolescence without her.  I was in such a dark, secret place but she brought me out of it with her wit, her intelligence, beauty and empathy. And she looked me. ME who looked like no one with light eyes and light hair. Such an important thing for growing girls to see. ( If you have a picture of her, I'll take it).

Natalie Dorm

As my tutor, she was not for me playing small. I was intelligent, and I needed to embrace it. As an adult and colleague, she taught me that being an educator means speaking up about what matters, how to make English class something students would grow to love if you aren’t afraid to step outside the box. After watching her, I never stayed in the box.

 Dora Robinson 

She  taught me the importance of leadership and empowering other women. She did it by leading by example. She is the one who put me on my path of working with young people, simply because she wanted to help a single mom and college student who worked late nights at a gas station. She showed me how to play the game and  win!

 Marjorie Hurst

She is the one who, after a year of writing for her newspaper asked, “when are you going to make a book?” She planted a seed that sprouted into 11 publications to date. She also taught me the importance of networking. Had her son and I not been close friends, she wouldn’t have gotten my resume put to the top of a pile for what has been my career for 14 years.

Essie Lee

My eldest son’s grandmother taught me about resilience. We both lost our mothers at a young age and were raised by family. She was tough but loving, like me. When her son and I broke up, she gave me the best advice. She told me that even and especially when I’m feeling my worst, dress up. Never let them see you down. Today I still do it. When I’m sad,  or sick, lipstick and heels make it better, if only a little.

 Tammy Marie

My eldest son’s aunt helped me balance the tomboy in me as a young woman. As a woman 7 years older than me,  she taught me that even being a tomboy, I could still smell delectable, and turn on the sexy when needed. To this day, I sleep in nothing, but sexy clothes and I always smell amazing if I don’t say so myself.

 

 Of course, I continue to be shaped by women my age and elders from the present and past (perhaps I’ll share in another post). However, where I am right now, today, is because of the women who led by example. So how can I not? Cheers to #blackgirlmagic.

Life Cycles

When I look at this picture, I am flooded with thoughts and emotion. It was 20 years ago, on my 19^th birthday, and I was pregnant. I was in love and had illusions of happily ever after; ready to skip through the parties, meeting new people, and all the experiences college life had to offer and leap right into domestic tranquility. While most of my friends were away, fully emerged into their college lives, I was fully emerged in my son’s father and his family, distancing myself from everything and everyone whom I loved. I had plans to finish college, but only to prove that those naysayers who were so disappointed in my pregnancy were wrong.  But I was lost. I even took a hiatus from writing poetry because all that mattered to me was having enough money to get a place for us- him, our baby, and myself. Myself. Myself became last and remained that way for a long time. That’s why I totally get it when I work with young women who follow my path... I had become so absorbed in the idea that at 19 I was with the love of my life and nothing else mattered. Fortunately for me, I grew the hell up and eventually found myself. Unfortunately many like me remain lost, jumping from relationship to relationship, never finding out who they really are. All I can do is drop little gems here and there, and hope it helps them find their way, much like Hansel and Gretel.

Which leads me to my second thought. More than the idea of evolution is how history repeats itself, and things come full circle. 20 years later, my son 19, with a baby on the way, is trying  ( or maybe not trying ) to find himself. How wild is that? And me, being a mother and refusing to be a hypocrite, must let him walk his own path of self-discovery, understanding that every screw up, every heartbreak is a lesson that will make him stronger and wiser. Talk about Life Cycles.

CHECK UP FROM THE NECK UP

How are you? No really, how are you? So often we are asked or ask that question, already anticipating an automatic response of “fine” or “good” because it’s the polite thing to say. After all we can’t just go and spill our guts to everyone. I mean what if I answered, “ Awful. Menopause is killing me. I don’t sleep, I wake up in sweats, I’m showering twice a day, and I can’t wear any of my winter sweaters because I’ll die if I have a hot flash while wearing one!” AWKWARD!! Right?  So, that’s why I chose to share it with a therapist instead. That’s right, a therapist. I went recently for a “CHECK UP FROM THE NECK UP” because just as it's important get a pap smear and a cholesterol check, it’s equally important to get a mental and emotional check. Turns out I’m fine (I’m at a time in my life where I’m in transition in almost every area of my life, and I’m embracing it). 

Unfortunately, as women, as women of color we tend to put this on the bottom of our to-do list, if we put it on there at all. Instead we push our feelings to the side, or drown them in façade, food, drink, work, or worse social media; to the detriment of ourselves. We make sure that even if we shop at the thrift store or color our hair on our own that we look good no matter what, but we don’t do that for our inside. I used to be so guilty of it myself for years, but now I’m all about self-care because I know it makes me a better mother, employee, friend and a warrior. Having friends and family to support you is a wonderful thing, and I’m blessed to have both. However, confiding in them sometimes means you will be judged (verbally or mentally). And once you divulge drama about your significant other, then you can count on them to hold a grudge even if you don’t. A licensed therapist, however doesn’t hold grudges, instead they let you talk and ask you the type of leading questions that compel you to figure out how to handle your situations.  Even if you don’t go regularly (because honestly there may not be need to), go for that checkup. There may be a problem you aren’t aware of lurking in your conscious. And then again, everything might be fine. But you won’t know unless you go!  

No Matter What They Say

Centered on the world's stage,

she sings to her loves and beloveds,

to her foes and detractors:

However I am perceived and deceived,

however my ignorance and conceits,

lay aside your fears that I will be undone,

 for I shall not be moved. - Maya Angelou

One of my favorite and most quoted poems. It’s been swirling in my head lately as I think about people’s opinions and how they should be handled. (The barrage of opinions on social media after  Beyoncé's Grammy performance started it all).

 As a self-proclaimed diva and Queen of self-esteem you can bet that I carry myself with an epic ( like EPIC) level of confidence. As an educator, mother and youth worker I am passionate and outspoken in advocating for them. As a black woman, I am adamant about using my art as activism.  All of this is subject to both celebration and misunderstanding. But if I responded to every single prejudgment, criticism, or straight  throw of shade, I would then be detracted from my life’s work. Instead I ask myself some key questions before responding one of three ways:

1.  Keep going ( ugh, it’s so hard sometimes).  Ask yourself, does this person’s opinion ultimately affect my life or my life's work?  There will be people who won’t believe in your dreams, there will those who try to compete with you, and there will be those who allow themselves to be influenced by other’s opinions of you.  If these people have no influence over your income, then keep it moving. As long as you are authentic, people will eventually see the truth past other people’s smoking mirrors, sabotage, and rumors.  In other words “Twirl on them haters”- 

Song Suggestions:

 Jill Scott- Hate on Me

Queen-Janelle Monae

Fake Love- Drake

          No time -Lil Kim

2.   Clarify - If I think your opinions matter, I first ask myself why it matters. If it’s because I truly value you or because you in fact can help me with my mission, then I will make an effort for you to get to know me better or to explain my perspective so that we can come to  a mutual understanding. I have to say this is one of  my least used responses because frankly, I find it time consuming if you clarify yourself to the wrong people.
     Sometimes your clarification doesn't have to be direct. It can be more indirect- in the form of a major statement- ( as poet my clap back game is major). I look at Beyoncé and how she responds to haters through music videos and live performances- in that I can show you better than tell you manner. Yasssss!

   Song suggestions:

            Tru-Lloyd

             Apple Tree- Eryka Badu

                     Hate it or Love it-Mary J. Blige

                    Woo-ha Got you all in check- Busta Rhymes

3.   Reflect ( Also hard as hell) –  10 years ago I’d give you the side eye and stank face all rolled into one if you suggested I reflect on others' opinions. I mean, to actually think that 10 people use the same unflattering word to describe you is tough, but necessary...if you want to grow. Sometimes I reflect and I’m like WRONG ( it's about them not me), and other times I’m like, DAMN they’re right! And then I make a conscious decision to work on it if it is something I care about.  It requires pushing your ego all the way to side and sometimes it sucks.

Song suggestions:

Strength Courage and Wisdom- India Aire

Man in the Mirror- Micheal Jackson

I Remember Me-Jennifer Hudson

Everything is Everything- Lauryn Hill

Twirl on!

Magic

There is something magical about walking in your purpose. Equally it’s disconcerting and chaotic when you are not walking in your purpose. For some reason there is this notion that those who are successful, (happy, doing what they love and getting paid for it ) are lucky or special. Truth is, we are all special. What distinguishes those of us who appear to have these fulfilling lives and those who are miserable and lost is …purpose.
 Since I was little I also wanted to perform and at 8  I  declared that I would be an author. I am an artist in its truest form. But when I was 20 years old  it all clicked for me when I got my first job at a community center. I quickly found what I was meant to do and that is to inspire and motivate others, in particular youth and women. I know this because even when I’m exhausted, put me  in room of teens or women and I come alive. And don’t let me have a stage, because then it’s on! 
Almost 20 years later, I’m at the threshold of 40, and I’ve come to realize that I am supposed use my art and my stage presence as a tool to reach those souls that truly need me. It’s this kind of clarity that guides me daily in my thought and actions. Though this work can be emotionally daunting, I take my responsibility seriously. That’s right, your purpose is your responsibility, it is why you are here. When you don’t understand the why, then it is impossible get to a how, or when or where. I see it all the time, people who bounce from job to job, school to school, certificate to certificate just to be doing something. That’s cool if you are happy, but if you find yourself feeling lost and unsure, it’s time to  make some changes.  Sure, it’s definitely easier said than done; shoot, I stumbled upon my purpose. It found me when I wasn’t even looking. But if you are looking, searching for that one thing, let me assure you won’t find it in a romantic relationship (that’s another post, on another day). But here are a few tips to get you headed in the right direction:

1.       Identify what you are good at doing.

 What ability or talent are you totally confident about? It you’re not sure, ask the people who care about you. Sometimes you are adept at things you may not even be aware of. Make a list.

2.       Identify what gives you pleasure and joy. 

Maybe you enjoy being alone, or in a room full of people. Perhaps you find happiness in what others may see as chores.  What gives you the tingles?

3.       Be open to new experiences.

 Anytime there’s an opportunity presents itself to go some  place you’ve never been or learn a new skill, take it. Even if it doesn’t become your career or you don’t discover your purpose, you may meet someone who will a guide for you on journey to find your purpose.

Number 4 is not a necessity because I believe purpose does not equal day job. But if you can:

 Find a way to generate income from whatever it is you love to do.  In today’s world if the position doesn’t exist, you can create it yourself.

 

What are you waiting for?  Go find your magic!

At All Costs

My heart breaks every time I hear about a young person committing suicide because they are being bullied. There are so many stances people take on this, from blaming parents, to even saying that children don’t have thick skin anymore, teasing is a part of childhood. This coming from people who didn’t grow up in the world of social media, where remarks and comments aren’t just forever embedded in our memory, but on laptops and cell phones for the whole world to see with just a click; where unauthorized videos become weapons of blackmail, shame and coercion. So was the case with Tovonna Holton, a 15-year-old Florida teen who was filmed secretly in the shower by her  “peers” who then shared it to Snapchat, a popular social platform among teenagers. Now there is much speculation about whether or not Tovonna, who shot herself in the head actually killed herself because of the incident or because she had deeper issues. In the end, it doesn’t matter at all. She is no longer here but those images of her naked body still linger on the web, or in screenshots.  It’s, for this reason, I offer this advice to parents:   Be all up in your child’s business at all costs!

They won’t like it, as a matter of fact, they’ll be pissed off, but it is your right and it is your duty. If your child has an account on any social media platform, then you need one too! I allowed my son at 14 to have a Facebook account on the condition that he friended me.  Then I friended some of his friends. So easily they accepted my requests, and many those that didn't accept my request had accounts which weren’t private so I could snoop as needed. I remember one day, I had to intervene when I saw that one of my son’s white friends referred to him as “nigga” casually.  I checked him quickly with a comment ordering he removes it immediately and then later had a follow discussion about it. 

  If he ever used my computer and didn’t sign out, I would go Facebook through his messages.  When I saw he hadn't posted a while, I check his friend's pages to see if he created a new page, he had.  When Instagram came about, I followed him and his friends.  I needed to be sure he wasn’t posting pictures with someone’s gun, or puffing weed.  I didn’t want him caught up in the glamour of what he saw on videos, or to follow what he saw others doing. Until he turned 18, he also knew that he was would be subject to a “phone check” at any time. I refused to let my son catch a charge for sexting, so even though we had a discussion about, I still checked for it. Now that he approaches 19, I’m not one bit sorry.  I could have potentially prevented my son from incriminating himself. 

We’d all like to think that we raised our kids right, but the reality is it’s easy for young people to get caught up in the crowd, to join in on what they think is just mere teasing. How easy it is for a careless judgment call on their behalf to have life altering consequences.  That is why I am vehemently for protecting our teens from themselves and others. A couple of years ago one father went into his daughter’s messages to find an older man who started out as friends but quickly began soliciting her for sex. The father set this man up to meet his “daughter”only to show up in a place instead. Thanks to his risky move, that man was arrested.  I, too would go as far as create a fake account to monitor or prove to them how quickly things can escalate.  If we are not hyper vigilant, it can cost us our child’s freedom, safety or even worse their lives. 

I could care less about  children's right advocates or whomever else thinks my child has a right to privacy. I will protect my child as long as they are a child, and I suggest you do the same. It is our responsibility to go so far as to check each other's children , family and friends, after all it takes a village. 

Purpose is Priceless

I sat up this past Wednesday night until 1:30 am (Thursday Morning) perfecting my PowerPoint presentation for the CHD Through Her Eyes Annual Conference. My third cup of coffee for the day was at 10:30pm. For a moment a voice in my head begin to complain, asking...Why are you doing this, it’s not like you are getting paid to be presenter? Yet this is the third year in a row you’re presenting? 

Then the other voice, the inner voice which knows me best said…It’s because you love what you do! It’s because you a have a gift and it’s only right you share it with others who work with young girls so they can be their best. You get so much, you have to give back. So I finished my pumpkin spice coffee and 3 hours later went to bed exhausted, but wired. Not from the coffee but from the anticipation I felt thinking about my workshop.  

                When I awoke 5 hours later, I had already learned a lesson, or should I say I was reminded of several: It’s not work when you do what you love! Nothing is handed to you, you want it be prepared to work for it!  When you want to give up, push harder, the finish line is right there!  As cliché as all these sound, all of these slogans were running through my mind.

            After facilitating my morning workshop “Defining Me” and performing spoken word at lunchtime, I felt I deserved some chocolate. When I whispered to my friend, she insisted I wait. In a room of at least 500 people, I’m thinking no one will miss me if I slip out and get a milk chocolate fix, but I agreed to stay. Well, it’s a good thing did, because five minutes later, I was called on the receive the EYES OF COURAGE award. Typically, people are aware they are receiving this and have time to prepare a speech. I, on the other hand, was completed clueless that I was a recipient this year. As my eyes teared up, it felt out of body to hear my bio read, to hear of my accomplishments, my qualifications, and most importantly my life’s mission. I was actually speechless. This has only occurred three times in life. This award means the world to me because I had a tough week, heck, a tough month dealing with some of the teen’s and their baggage.  This was like a gigantic road sign that says keep going, you are headed in the right direction. It was confirmation once again that I was living in my purpose and I am thankful for that. 

Get out of the Clouds

So I totally had tears swell up in my eyes when I heard Kelly Rowland’s “Dirty Laundry” because it touched on sooo many topics. Specifically for me was the friendship aspect. It’s so hard to be happy for your friend (or family) when you’re going through some sh*t. It’s not so much jealousy as it what I call cloudy. You want to be happy, but you are so unhappy it’s ridiculous, and you can’t see past anything else. I remember going through that when one of my friends went away to college, met her a husband, got married, bought a house, and did it all in the right order. Here I was, going to a local college, a single mom, and living in an apartment. But, and I write about this in my memoir, it wasn’t my time. I couldn’t find the one for me until I was ready mentally and emotionally. I thought I was healed but I wasn’t. I had to struggle as a single mother so my testimony could touch others like me.  I had to be the one to show and prove that all is possible despite obstacles.  Now I know this. So when I hear Kelly I can relate, and  now that after several attempts,  she’s finally making her mark, it is no surprise. When your spirit and mind is right things will fall into place. Until then you can’t be jealous, or become cloudy and distant because things aren’t how you want right now. Instead reach out; look for resources and people who can help you get to where you need to be. This may be a spiritual leader, a good friend, a mentor, or sometimes just our inner self when you listen. This is what I try to instill in those around me who feel I have it all and have become distant,shoot...'cause I 've been there, done that!

                                            

Empathy Matters

For many of us when we are little toddlers we live in this protective bubble created by our parents; we are loved, nurtured and made to feel like we can do anything. I was one of those people who was blessed enough to experience this. My grandmother didn’t have high school diploma, but she had good sense to love me and build me up enough to love myself. As we grow up, we step out into the real world and for some of us, it’s like stepping out into the street and being hit by a truck at full speed. We suffer irreparable hurt, because for some reason, people don’t see or don’t acknowledge our beauty, our talent, our existence. So we build wall to protect us, walk around in armored suits and masks not being our true selves. Or we imitate those who appear to be surviving a bit better than we are. I’ll admit, I’VE DONE IT. But I’m telling you, it was something about the way I was raised that never let me lose site of who I was (except when I wanted to be T-BOZ from TLC).


But what happens to those who never felt that protection; that initial unconditional love? Do they ever take off the armor and the mask? Do they ever truly discover their uniqueness; their greatness? It’s hard when the world around them isn’t empathetic and can’t even begin to conceptualize that this person is afraid, hurting, and unsure.

My job working with many youth who are in this predicament has helped me to become more accepting and aware when I come into adults I meet. Lucky for them ;) it allows me to be more patient when I come across people who rub me the wrong way. I don’t have to be friends with them, but I can try to be understanding of the fact that they, like all of us have some unresolved issues. So I don’t go off on them, I don’t internalize their behavior. I can brush it off and keeping it moving, or perhaps be that sunshine they need for the day. This is called GROWTH. And my interaction with them, my response, may help them to grow as well.

    "Do not judge your neighbor until you have walked two moons in his moccasins." -Cheyenne Tribe