2018-- Challenge and Change

 People probably think that completing my Ph.D. was my greatest accomplishment in 2018- but it was not. When I started my Ph.D. journey in October of 2012, I had a one-year-old, a teenager, and I was engaged to be married. I had authored four books (my memoir, a novella, and two poetry collections). I was in amazing shape and after 7 years of working in one building, teaching 5 subjects, I was one year into a new position as an English Teacher in another building. I just knew I would be done in 4 to 5 years because I did everything quickly. I had finished my master’s degree in a little over a year.  I would work on my Ph.D. and plan a wedding at the same time. Besides, I had already chosen my bridesmaids and maids of honor. My dress was picked out, and by the time I got my degree, I would have a different last name.

 I survived my dissertation and almost six years in a full-time Ph.D. program, but so many other things in my life did not.

Less than a year into my program, I dismissed three members of my huge wedding party, including one maid of honor.  Some childhood friends were no longer a part of my life just like that.  A misunderstanding turned out to be the universe's way of eliminating people who were not meant to accompany me on the journey to the next level. Turns out, neither was my fiancée, because the wedding would never happen...my relationship did not survive my Ph.D. either.

Know what else did not survive my Ph.D.? My ovaries and my breasts. But because I got rid of them, I will!  Consequently, my fit figure did not survive. Between four surgeries and menopause, my body has been through it, and I have had to learn to love it all over again.

My love of performing poetry also did not survive. Although I have published two more poetry collections, another novella, two journals, and a children's book. I birthed a new dream-----motivational speaking. I will always be a poet, it was my first love, but two years into my journey, I realized that not only did I need to share my story in writing, but also through speaking. I am meant to share my healing so that others may heal.

Homeownership also did not survive my Ph.D. During all the changes that were taking place in my life, I realized that much of what I had done for the last 20 years had been because I was trying to prove others wrong. I was fighting stereotypes. That was my motivation when I went to college, the first and second time. It was the reason I prolonged both of my engagements when I knew it would not work. It was the major reason I bought a house before I was 30 years old. I did not want to be another poor black single mother living in low-income housing. I would show them (whoever they were). Everything I said I would do, I did, and I had become known for that.

The reality was, I hated home ownership. I hated the responsibility of lawn care, snow removal in New England, buying a hot water heater, paying $275-$300 every two weeks to heat an old home. But that was the American way, and homeownership is applauded and viewed as a sign of higher status. 
Well, in a month before I defended my dissertation, I made the decision to put my house on the market and start fresh by renting and not worrying about a damn thing.  My oldest son was an adult, things were not working with my tenant, and it was just me and my 7-year-old in a big spacy house. I was ready for a change, for freedom from something I never really wanted. Some people supported this, others thought I was making a huge mistake. The more I heard people’s opinions, the more I realized that it was time for me to unlearn the ideologies that had been forced upon me by society. 
Marriage would not make me happy if he was not meant for me. And not being married didn't make me any less of a woman. What was the point in owning a home if I felt I had no real peace when I got home?  I even started questioning why I even wanted my degree anymore (although I was in too deep to quit at that point).

So, what am I am most proud of at the end of 2018? Defining success and joy on my own terms and setting clear boundaries with people who try to force me to think or do otherwise. It is not easy, because people will guilt you, manipulate you, or try to make you feel less than for doing what is best for you. But in the end, if you cannot ignore the outside noise from others, you will never hear your inner voice, which is ultimately a higher power guiding you exactly where you need to be.  Although it had many challenges, I end 2018 full of gratitude, joy, and serenity. I wish you a Joyous New Year! Do you boo!

I Didn't know I was Lost

This magazine cover changed my life. Ok, it didn’t change my life, but it definitely inspired me to make some changes. I was 21 years old and had recently broken off an engagement with my then fiancé and son’s father. Although I knew it was the best decision for me, there was some grieving that had to take place, as with all losses. I had my whole life planned out and it all revolved around my man. I left him, but in my mind he would get himself together and one day we would reconcile. The universe had another plan.

  I remember being home alone, in my bed, bored because my son was at his grandmother’s house. As I flipped through the pages of that magazine and beautiful brown faces looked back at me, my inner voice (which I didn’t even know I had) began to speak to me. She didn’t scold me, but she told me I had lost myself in my relationship, distanced myself from friends and family, and most importantly, forgotten I was once a girl with dreams. I had stopped pursuing them. I was almost done with my bachelor’s degree, but at I was just finishing it to prove those wrong who said I wouldn’t.  I was in robot mode. I hadn’t written poetry in more than 4 years, something I had done regularly since I was 14. My high school friends were living their best lives at HBCUs and I was playing “wifey”, working full time, and caring for my three-year-old. I was existing, but not living. Those beautiful faces showed me this.

 I began to cut out their pictures and quotes and taping them to my bedroom wall.  When I was done, I went through my other magazines and hung up more. When I ran out of space, I started taping to my ceiling…Queen Latifah, Toni  Morrison, Oprah, and on and on. Then powerful phrases came to me organically from words like Beautiful, Strong, Dreams, Joy, Author, Boss etc.  When I was done, I realized I had been at it for more than two hours. I felt like I been born again. With tears of relief in my eyes, I breathed like I had breathed for the first time in forever.

From that day on I slowly began to re-invest in myself, to decide I was going to dream again. I was going to be an author and someone who inspired other people. I didn’t know how I just knew WHAT.  See, what I didn’t know then is that I had actually created my first vision board. Sure it had 4 walls and a ceiling, but it was indeed a vision board. I didn’t even know what it was but just like with any vision board, seeing it every day and every night put me on the path to manifestation. Without even realizing it, I was creating the life I posted on my vision walls. The how didn’t matter, I just swung into action, took the first steps. In return, the universe exposed me to the people and places that instrumental in helping me find the how.

I could go on and on about the lessons one can take from this, but I’d like to hear from you, reader. What are the lessons?

Complacency Kills

I would say that nothing bothers me than when people complain about a situation but never do anything about. The fact is if you really want change, no amount of complaining or prayer for that matter will change anything if you do not take action of some sort. I don’t care if it’s an unhappy marriage, or a job you hate, your housing situation…if you are an able adult then you have the power to change it. Even if it’s not at the pace you desire change is possible. Waiting for the right time will have you waiting forever.  Just one small action will send a message to the universe that you indeed are ready for whatever it is you want. And once the universe knows you are serious about your intentions and being intentional than it will collaborate with you. It’s just that simple. Stop complaining and waiting for one day because one day will be your last day. Life is far to brief not try new things, go for what want, be with whom you want. In the immortal words of Jay-z… What the hell are you waiting for? 

The Not So Hidden Messages in Hidden Figures

After clapping and crying, being angry,excited and enamoured in a span of 2 hours, I ultimately left the movie theatre feeling inspired and uplifted. The empowering  messages I received from each amazing portrayal of NASA’s African-American human computers in Hidden Figures  were loud, clear and necessary as hell:

1.       Katherine Johnson (played by Taraji P.Henson),  the gifted mathematician, when told no,  refused to accept it as an answer. She was the ultimate example of  "leaning in." When you are capable and talented, don’t back down.  And when they try to shut you up, let your brilliance speak for itself; in other words,  I can show you better than I can tell you. By doing so she went from being ignored to becoming indispensable.

2.       Dorothy Vaughn (played by Octavia Spencer)  took self-determination to another level. Not only did she take the initiative to teach herself about the the first computers, she mastered them, and then taught her  fellow  Black women how to use them as well. In doing so, she too made herself indispensable. More importantly, she pulled her sistas up with her.  Now that is bad assery.

3.       Mary Jackson (played fabulously by Janelle Monae )was intelligent and fiery. Being a woman with high aspirations is tough in 2017, I could only imagine how difficult it was in 1961! With the gender roles issues, work/life balance and every kind of ism  black women are up against today,  it's nothing compared what she experienced and under far more extreme conditions. But it served as a reminder to us all that you cannot let other’s  fears, misconceptions and judgments veer you off track, whether they be institutions or people.  In her story, I saw that somebody has to be the first, why not  me? Why not you?

This movie was just the nudge  I needed to push me me off the cliff of 2016 and into flight of 2017.I’m about to soar... and I'm taking my sistas with me! Thank you ladies, messages received.

 "If they don't give you a seat at the table, bring a folding chair." 

                              - Shirley Chisholm

The Mixed Feelings of Motherhood

            There’s something so bittersweet about the anticipation of my first born’s graduation from high school. I've been reflecting so much lately. I remember thinking,  "I just have to get him out of high school and I’m good”. But looking at him on the verge of 18, I start to think:  it’s not enough, but it will have to be enough.  In a couple of month’s, he will be a legal adult, able to make his own decisions. And while I can offer my opinion and give my unsolicited advice, in the end, it’s his choice, his life. That is hard for me because he’s been my baby for so long.

            Since the day I found out I was pregnant with him,  most of my life’s big decisions have been centered on what would be best for him. I changed my major, trading the unstable writing world for a more secure career in social services; I bought a house an adjacent town from where I grew up, so my son could be away from gangs and street violence; I pursued my dreams, not just for me, but so that he could see it could be done.  I worked two jobs so he would not want for anything; I took him with me when I worked with those were less fortunate so he could appreciate what he had. Most people look at him and think I've done a pretty decent job, me and my village of course. But lately, I've felt a sense of resentment towards his father resurfacing that I had long vanished.

            While trying to get my master’s degree and working 2 jobs, and struggling with my new home ownership responsibilities, I became frustrated that he had not been leading by example, or spending quality time, or providing financially since we broke up when my son was three. It took until my son was 11 to begin to let it go, forgive. But still, every now and then when I gave my son my last 10 bucks for lunch money, or if I saw his father in a brand new coat, or heard about him having another child, I became incensed. My son was his first child, and he was 21 with a high school diploma and an able mind and body when my baby was born, but he chose street life over being a present parent.  So I’d get upset, then I’d get over it because that’s what mothers do. As my son became more dependent and older, I had to deal with his fatherless, so the resentment became dormant. Besides, I had my father, who was doing more than his share to help raise him.

  Now that this momentous event is upon us, I feel that resentment brewing again. Why? Because now I have another son, a toddler, and because his father is present, I get to be the soft, nurturing mommy. Daddy can be the stern baritone voice, and mommy can be… mommy.  I was once that way with my older son, but then when the realities of the world set in, when I saw my boy growing into a Black man, an endangered species in America, fear crept in. I had to be tough, I had to be on his back. I had to teach him about sex, how to behave if pulled over by the police, model work ethic, school him about the streets; I had to be the crazy mom to show up if he wasn't where he was supposed to be. I feel like I was robbed of being the pushover mom... the sweet mom I wanted to be because his father didn't step up. 

Now he will be there on graduation day, and at the party, and I honestly have mixed feelings about it. On one hand, that is his father, and I've never discouraged their relationship, despite my feelings.  On the other hand, he will get to celebrate something he had NO PART in making happen. And that has me feeling… “Some type of way.”  But I guess I’ll get over, because that’s just what mothers do.

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow

Yesterday I didn't get up when my alarm clock went off, so I lost 20 to 25 minutes of preparation, including breakfast.  It was snowing outside and the ride to work was long and treacherous. My teenage son was defending his failure to do chores through text messages. my toddler had been up all night complaining if growing pains. So I had McDonald’s and drank coffee, and Diet Coke and Pepsi (I know so bad). And I ordered a pastrami grinder with potato chips for lunch, just because I knew it would feel good. All to stay awake so I could work on my research (through my lunch and my break) so I can get one step closer to becoming Dr.Boz.  By the end of the day, I’d run out of steam. I mean I was too tired to even drink my Thursday night glass of Cabernet. On top of that, I had a headache and cramps, and it was cold outside. I was exhausted and cranky. But I was supposed to continue working on my writing which is due in a week. Instead, I decided to change into my sweats, take two ibuprofen, and drink tons and tons of water, and some decaf green tea.  I whipped up some quick chili for the family then I turned the lights down low, got lost in some mindless “reality” TV. When I got sleepy, I went to sleep. Robert Roberts once said that her mother told her,  "When you are having a bad day, just go to bed." I told myself that if I slept well tonight I would have more energy to keep fight tomorrow. 

Robin's mother was right. I was right. I woke this morning, made my eggs, and a healthy, vitamin-filled shake with almond milk for lunch.  I felt energized and yes, ready to finish that work. I feel so good that I had to write this post to share my take away from the last 24 hours.

 First, sometimes you just have to stop and take a break from whatever it is to rejuvenate, clear your head. Balance will be restored naturally. I ate horribly yesterday and drank horribly, but today I’m craving good stuff. My attitude was horrible, not just because of PMS, but also because I was frustrated with the challenges I was facing. When I get overwhelmed, I become a bit snappy, I become lethargic. Secondly, I was reminded that everything is temporary. The fact is I will have some major writing to do this weekend, but next Friday, I will be done. Sometimes we have to focus on the end result instead of dwelling on the struggle. When you are sinking you have to put your energy into swimming to land, not into the thoughts of drowning. #ICanDoThis

On Martin Luther King’s Birthday

With the release of the movie Selma, I’ve seen many social media posts of people being surprised by MLK’s adultery. My first thought was that it was no secret. Sure, they didn’t share this with us when we were taught in school, but I really thought folks new about this. My second thought was that he was indeed a man, a human, someone capable of mistakes and intentional wrongdoings. But it’s hard for some to conceive that about this figure, whom we’ve dedicated a national holiday to, whom we built a monument in honor of , whose lines from the “I have Dream” speech are embedded in our memory since elementary school, and  for many the only  positive male African-American figure they were ever taught.

            I mean think about it… this man was thrust into leadership at 26 with the Montgomery Boycott. When he led that march in Selma he was just 36 year old. I am 36 years old today, and there are already times I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders with the responsibility I have to our youth. I could only imagine living under the constant fear of death for my family and myself, to have my home bombed and still have to go and speak to people who look to me for leadership and hope. And I’m sure that sense of power was equally ego-boosting, so much that, yes MLK “hollered back” when women smiled his way, or showed  up at his hotel room. Groupie love isn’t just for musicians and movie stars. These flaws serve to remind us that although we have our weaknesses; we are capable of incredible greatness, a greatness that cannot be erased I am still in awe at not only the strength of him and his wife, but of all the others who trusted his leadership, who believed when there was reason to doubt, who risked their lives and freedom for us.  I dedicated one of my poems called Our Legacy to them:

 “The Legacy you leave starts today,

 And you can say

That you don’t care,

But you are only here

 Because Martin and Malcolm both died

 At the age of 39

For the sake of equality,

 Because millions marched and protested

 In the name of freedom

And now you owe it to them…
toy carry on our legacy.”

What legacy will you leave?

The Only Opinion That Counts

How many times have you asked someone which dress or shoes to wear, only to pick the opposite of what they choose? It’s not that we don’t trust our friends’ choices; it’s that we don’t trust our choices.  This means we lack the confidence to follow our own instincts, and our knowledge of common sense. We’ve all done it at one point in our lives, and while choosing short hair or long hair will not usually lead to catastrophic consequences, there are times when indecisiveness can hold us back.  

            In October of 2012 I began my PHD studies at an online university. I told myself that I’d take two years off after I completed my Master’s before I went back. Then I had a baby in the interim; for the longest time I went back and forth with when would be a good time since life had thrown me some surprises. Well, after speaking to the admissions counselor for the second time in a year, I was seriously feeling like I should take on this next challenge. Still, I asked other people, many of whom only reminded me about the arduous journey that would lie ahead. Now I was second guessing myself; I thought about maybe putting it off for another year, or two.

            I completed the application with enthusiasm, but even after getting accepted, I procrastinated when it came to filling out for financial aid. Once I received my award letter, I found myself stalling again to press the ACCEPT button. It was only after I heard that lovely inner voice of mine scream loudly, “What are waiting for? Do it!”  It was then that I finally felt comfortable with my decision, and the consequences and rewards that would come with it. Two years later, my coursework is done. 

            The funny thing is, I knew all along that this was my dream and I wanted it. I found that when I go with my gut on the bigger choices, it generally tends to work to my advantage. That’s not to say that I don’t think critically; I’m just realizing that over thinking can have far worse results sometimes than acting impulsively. What is the lesson in all of this?  Be decisive…YOU KNOW BEST WHEN IT COMES TO YOU!

One in a Million

Once again, I strayed from my blog due to my hectic life. That and I really love writing on paper with a pen so much more. It just is what it is. While I can say that right now I am oozing with gratitude, my heart is burdened with the fact that so many people I  know and care about are not living their best life. Either they are complacent (not content, but complacent) with working a 9 to 5 and paying bills, never dreaming or attempt more, or they are holding onto so much to the past, they cannot allow themselves to be happy. Either way, I watch them and it saddens me emotionally. But makes me feel suffocated for them.  We all have this inner power to create the life we want, but for some, it’s power never tapped into.  Sometimes you want to shake them and say, forgive, let it go, or take the talent and show it with the world! Damn it!

                When I become this frustrated, I have to detach myself, remind myself that it is their path, and only they must walk it.  Then I will myself into accepting it by focusing on the people are dreaming about it and doing it. Surround and immerse myself around people who are so vibrant, bold, and happy, that I have no choice but to not focus on the ones who aren’t. Still, it's a challenge when you see someone as a star, a unique a dynamo of fire, but they only see themselves as one of millions instead of one in a million.

Preparation

              I know I am 3 months over due, but happy New Year!

 Like I write in my new book, every day is new start! And my year has been off to a great start. Opportunity has not only been knocking on my door, but it’s been barging in and I am loving it. You know why? Because I’m constantly in a state of preparation and I rarely say no when someone presents an opportunity. One day a couple of weeks ago at  2:00 in the afternoon I got an email asking me to show up at a studio to record for 4. I showed up on time wearing one of my branding t-shirts and was ready to recite my poem for the camera. It’s moments like that fuel me when I’m feeling burned out or like things aren’t moving as quickly as I’d  wish.

            Not only is preparation key, but opportunity only comes where it’s welcomed. By this I mean, your attitude. So many people walk around full of misery and expecting the worst. Not me, I know I am meant for great things, and I appreciate the greatness that has already occurred. And if ever for a moment I forget to be an optimist and expecting, there’s always a reminder, and it’s never subtle (because the universe knows I don’t work like that.). Yesterday morning my sleep was interrupted by a televangelist, who I would never watch when awake. But his message was what I needed to hear, which is that you have to wake up EXPECTING and just how much power it releases when you do so. It woke me up and got me right back to work because this year, I’m definitely EXPECTING big things? What about you, what are you expecting?

Ego Tripping (There may be a reason why)

It is so hard trying to do good in a world where people are always looking for bad. Judging and scrutiny can get the best of us, even me, the self-proclaimed “Queen of Self-Esteem.”But whenever I find myself pulled into the negativity I have to step back and look at two important things: Purpose and Outcome. What is it I’m trying to do and why? For me, it’s inspiring people, especially youth. Why? Because I am a product of it. Throughout my life, it’s been mentors, historical figures, art and music that have kept me going when I wanted to give up, that have forced me to see things in a more positive light. I want to do that for others because it can be life changing, literally. Inspiration can mean the difference between high school drop out and college grad, between a drug dealer and car dealership owner, between suicide and living. Why is so important because it helps us to maintain our integrity when we are tempted to compromise our standards, beliefs, and values in order to live out our purpose. It is also important because it distracts us from our own selfish reasons that may arrive. For instance, I want to sell 6million copies of my memoir to save 6million lives. Not to get rich, but to save lives. However, I would love to write professionally full time. I have to be wary of this when opportunities present themselves that may tempt me to stray. This is when I have to look at outcomes. I will know I am staying true on my purpose when I can see its effects. For me, it’s the youth I work with who flourish into productive adults who are accomplishing goals and making their mark on the world.  In the end, this is all that matters, not what other people think my intentions are, not what they feel I am doing, and not if it gets national exposure or millions of dollars. In the end, when you do what you’re passionate about, it will pay off in more ways than one.

Goals must never be from your ego, but problems that cry for a solution.

-Robert H. Schuller

Get out of the Clouds

So I totally had tears swell up in my eyes when I heard Kelly Rowland’s “Dirty Laundry” because it touched on sooo many topics. Specifically for me was the friendship aspect. It’s so hard to be happy for your friend (or family) when you’re going through some sh*t. It’s not so much jealousy as it what I call cloudy. You want to be happy, but you are so unhappy it’s ridiculous, and you can’t see past anything else. I remember going through that when one of my friends went away to college, met her a husband, got married, bought a house, and did it all in the right order. Here I was, going to a local college, a single mom, and living in an apartment. But, and I write about this in my memoir, it wasn’t my time. I couldn’t find the one for me until I was ready mentally and emotionally. I thought I was healed but I wasn’t. I had to struggle as a single mother so my testimony could touch others like me.  I had to be the one to show and prove that all is possible despite obstacles.  Now I know this. So when I hear Kelly I can relate, and  now that after several attempts,  she’s finally making her mark, it is no surprise. When your spirit and mind is right things will fall into place. Until then you can’t be jealous, or become cloudy and distant because things aren’t how you want right now. Instead reach out; look for resources and people who can help you get to where you need to be. This may be a spiritual leader, a good friend, a mentor, or sometimes just our inner self when you listen. This is what I try to instill in those around me who feel I have it all and have become distant,shoot...'cause I 've been there, done that!

                                            

Meditation

So...last week marked the start of a new school year and the first week of training for teachers. To my surprise and delight, the training was on meditation. That's right, they wanted us, teachers, to learn how to "BREATHE" and teach our students to do so. Of course, we had some closed- minded teachers who refused to "BREATHE" with us, and some who felt it conflicted with religion, but I was all for it. If you've read my previous blogs, you know that this year has been all about me taking time to be still and really listen to my spirit. What tickled me was that science is finally catching on to the ancient concept and now we teachers are being taught to use it as a tool to improve learning and behavior. While some of it was a review for me, I was still reminded of its benefits. It is nothing like starting the morning out with a purpose and a focus of how you want your day to go. I remember once I asked myself  "What do you really want?" before going into meditation, and I literally heard my spirit, not my mind ( I hear that chatter all of the time) it shouted "I wanna write full time" Since then I've been filled with energy that pushes me to go for what I really want. I still want to do a lot in life, and I will, but since I was 8, I've wanted to write, and I allowed society, and doubters to push me into something more realistic. But now I'm so focused that I KNOW it will be. What about you? What do u REALLY WANT? If the answer is " I don't know" turn off all of the literal and mental noise and listen to your inner self.

The Right Amount of Sunshine

I am going to sell 6million copies worldwide of this book! I put it out there in the universe, and I know it is already happening. Through reaching my dream, I am going to inspire so many other girls (and boys) of color who grow up with the odds against them. They will know because they see me. We hear these stories all of the time about being making it from homeless to Hollywood, like Tyler Perry for instance. But sometimes it's hard to say "If he can do it, so can't I!" if he wasn't your neighbor and you didn't know him personally. I think that's why so many of us have such a hard time believing it's possible. I want my students to say, "OMG, Miss Toya really did it! She was not playing when she said she was going to blow up off her memoir!" It will be momentous because they have seen how hard I have worked, they know about the multiple jobs, and the extra time I put into making my dreams come true. Sometimes they still can't understand why I do things like mail my book to Wendy Williams, Oprah and Michelle Obama. They think they will either never get it, or never read. I tell them, BELIEVE, BELIEVE.

The Next Chapter

It's a truly amazing experience when your dreams start to come true! What was once an idea, is now a reality. After my graduation party and book signing, I read all of my cards and I really absorbed what they had to say. See, I'm so used to jumping, sometimes head first, from goal to the next, that I don't take the time to sit back, and enjoy the accomplishment. When it's all over I take time to reflect, but it's always on what's next. What will be my next challenge, and how will I meet it! It took me reading some of the congrats cards from family and friends that made me realize...I've done great things, and I shouldn't minimize it. Here I am, the self-proclaimed DIVA and Queen of Self-esteem, yet I look at my accomplishments as, "I did it, and a big deal, a lot of people do it." So while I'm proud, I just feel like sooo many others are capable of the same thing, that it never is a big deal. But again, the cards and the tears on my day from a couple of good friends helped me to see that even though many have accomplished what I have, and many ARE capable, so many more people don't do it. They are too afraid, busy making excuses, and blaming circumstances, they don't step out and leap. Why is that? I don't think it's fear of failure, I think it's fear of success. I know for me as soon as I get close to a dream before I touch it, I pause, and ask, "Is this for real? Is this really gonna happen...for ME?" Then I say, " Hell, yeah, because I worked hard for this, and I deserve it." But still, that quick pause is something I am struggling to stop doing. I cannot allow myself to question whether something I dream is really happening, because that's what it's all about.

The second part of it all is being an inspiration to others. We all have role models, and people we look up to, but what I've discovered recently, is that a lot more people see me as a tangible role model than I've thought. It's a surreal feeling because I know, that while I'm on my way to becoming the woman I want to be, I'm still not quite there yet. So to know that what I've done so far has influenced so many....well, a sista get kinda emotional. ( Shhh! Don't tell anybody)

So what's next for me? I want to promote the HELL out of my memoir. I want this book to be something that social services organizations, schools, and parents embrace and use as a tool for our young girls of color. I want to continue to grow as a person that I can fully live out my mission " to inspire others through poetry and stories, and through leading by example with courage, confidence, and integrity."

So what do you think? This blog is my journal, but you're more than welcome to comment. Peace Eternally, Brenda's Child

Yeah for me!

I know it's been a while since I've written, but that's because I've been so busy making life happen. Let's see, first, I'm still a wine drinker. I love being able to get a buzz, and still get up in the morning and go. So Grey Goose, sorry but you just can't give me that!
Secondly, I brought me a pair of Levi's size 8, just to make me focus a bit more on my goal, to help me put it out there in the atmosphere. Well, let me tell you, I slid them right on! Yes! I reached my goal. But to be honest, the little grin my stomach rolls make, have assured me that I still will have to work hard to get the body I desire. I know I'm on my way through, because I've gotten my Zumba certification and I am teaching it three times a week! Go Toya!
And next Sunday, I will have my graduate diploma in hand!!! This is something I am soooo proud of.
The love thing...still hard. I can write it in a card or a letter, but I have such a hard time verbally expressing it. I'll put a pat on my back myself for at least doing that more often, dropping notes to my loved ones. I have been doing that! As long as they know how important they are to me, I guess it really doesn't matter how I tell them. The "me" time has been getting easier and easier. I find that when I make time for myself, I am able to give just a little more to others, and I'm less on edge. At peace. So starting this week, I'm increasing my Yoga to twice a week ( Sundays). You know me, always challenging myself!

And lastly, but far more importantly, I have ordered my copies of my memoir, which I will be selling next Sunday at my "Celebration of Life" So part one of my goal is done; now comes the hard part... getting it out there. I'm slowly working on it. I've identified some independent bookstores to sell my books. I plan to go on tour this summer to promote it.

SIDEBAR: Don't you know I have some people still trying to block my Sunshine.? " a friend" expressed my their doubt in my book getting onto Oprah, and thinks I should think smaller! See this is that "ish" I'm talking about. Because people put limits on themselves, they gotta put them on me, too????

Anyway, lucky for me, I have gotten enough feedback from my performances to let me know that I am fulfilling my mission of inspiring folks. I've been doing a one-woman show called...you guessed it... "Wonderfully Imperfect and Full of Complexity" I've only done it three times, but each time it gets better and better. And the feedback I've been getting has been overwhelming, in a good way. People have told me, from all backgrounds and age groups that my story has touched them. I love to hear that because I believe that's why I'm here. Well until next time!

P.S. I quit my part time banquet job, a little less on my plate, and I decreased the youth activities because I'm realizing more and more that what I focus my attention on is what will manifest. My attention is on "The Right Amount of Sunshine!"