Dance with My Mother

I’d be dishonest with the world and myself if I didn’t admit that occasionally I feel a sense of envy and hurt when I see the relationship some of my closest friends have with their mothers. They party together, gamble to together, or live across the street from each other. I can’t help but think that if my mother was alive, she’d dance with me at family parties; I’ve been told all my life that she could cut a mean rug!

Sometimes I wish that I could crawl up in the bed with her like I did when I was three and be vulnerable with her. I’m come along accepting this loss, using my poetry to deal with my emotions, honoring her with my pen name and a tattoo, and having a zest for life so I can live for both of us. Anyone who knows me, knows that I believe in spirit and that much like water, we humans only change form, but our spirits, our energy never really dies. I know her spirit is present, and I get little signs every now and then, but sometimes I just want that physical presence, arms to hold, neck to smell in an embrace. I even get the bigger picture, I wouldn’t be who I am if I hadn’t suffered the loss.  I wouldn’t have ever picked up a pen to process my feelings and written words that I can truly say have inspired others to write, reflect, or do better. I wouldn’t be the type of teacher or mentor who is on call 24/7 for babies. I wouldn’t have this relentless desire to inspire women and teens to take power over their futures instead of being consumed by the past. I know her time was limited, and her purpose was fulfilled in those 23 years (according to two different mediums and my own intuition), but sometimes it doesn’t make it any easier, and sometimes I become overwhelmed with emotions and tears fill up my eyes and I let out a broken cry. This is the reality. I never want to sound ungrateful, I’ve been more than blessed with an enormous family, surrounded by love and mother like figures, something I’m sure other people wish they had.  The older I get the more I come to understand the bigger picture, which is why 90% of the time, I can tell my story to a crowd without even a lump in my throat, but other times, l find myself wondering what would certain moments be like if she was physically there instead of just mentally. 

My mother, looking exhausted after giving me a bath

Empathy Matters

For many of us when we are little toddlers we live in this protective bubble created by our parents; we are loved, nurtured and made to feel like we can do anything. I was one of those people who was blessed enough to experience this. My grandmother didn’t have high school diploma, but she had good sense to love me and build me up enough to love myself. As we grow up, we step out into the real world and for some of us, it’s like stepping out into the street and being hit by a truck at full speed. We suffer irreparable hurt, because for some reason, people don’t see or don’t acknowledge our beauty, our talent, our existence. So we build wall to protect us, walk around in armored suits and masks not being our true selves. Or we imitate those who appear to be surviving a bit better than we are. I’ll admit, I’VE DONE IT. But I’m telling you, it was something about the way I was raised that never let me lose site of who I was (except when I wanted to be T-BOZ from TLC).


But what happens to those who never felt that protection; that initial unconditional love? Do they ever take off the armor and the mask? Do they ever truly discover their uniqueness; their greatness? It’s hard when the world around them isn’t empathetic and can’t even begin to conceptualize that this person is afraid, hurting, and unsure.

My job working with many youth who are in this predicament has helped me to become more accepting and aware when I come into adults I meet. Lucky for them ;) it allows me to be more patient when I come across people who rub me the wrong way. I don’t have to be friends with them, but I can try to be understanding of the fact that they, like all of us have some unresolved issues. So I don’t go off on them, I don’t internalize their behavior. I can brush it off and keeping it moving, or perhaps be that sunshine they need for the day. This is called GROWTH. And my interaction with them, my response, may help them to grow as well.

    "Do not judge your neighbor until you have walked two moons in his moccasins." -Cheyenne Tribe

No Limits for 2013

Wow, it's been exactly 4 months since my last post. Were you waiting anxiously for me? Probably not, but that's cool. Honestly, this blog is for my sanity, but I do share it because I hope that someone can relate and become inspired.

So, of course, I've been going full steam ahead.
 As I like to to at the end of every year, I'm reflecting on the things I've accomplished :

I enrolled full time in a Ph.D. program


I was a presenter for a large conference for people who work with incarcerated teen girls


I am at my most energetic and strongest body weight (not my lightest but my most powerful)


I rode a rodeo bull ( in public)

I hosted the largest attended Gifted Diva Showcase I have in 8 years


 I finally made it to the Harlem Book Fair as an author

I officially filed my youth program as a nonprofit

I helped to establish an entertainment business 

I published the bonus edition of my novella ( something I'd been putting off forever)




I completed Rugged Maniac 5k obstacle course!!!


I've continued to be a go-getter and I love the feeling and the rewards that coming with reaching my goals.


As I prepare for the new year, I will continue to work on being my best self and inspiring other people to do the same. My focus is on my studies, my health and fitness, and my art. I also want to do more fitness challenges, and more adrenaline infusing activities. I want to be sure I maintain that zest for life and to continue to grow as a person. Those are my goals!

Meditation

So...last week marked the start of a new school year and the first week of training for teachers. To my surprise and delight, the training was on meditation. That's right, they wanted us, teachers, to learn how to "BREATHE" and teach our students to do so. Of course, we had some closed- minded teachers who refused to "BREATHE" with us, and some who felt it conflicted with religion, but I was all for it. If you've read my previous blogs, you know that this year has been all about me taking time to be still and really listen to my spirit. What tickled me was that science is finally catching on to the ancient concept and now we teachers are being taught to use it as a tool to improve learning and behavior. While some of it was a review for me, I was still reminded of its benefits. It is nothing like starting the morning out with a purpose and a focus of how you want your day to go. I remember once I asked myself  "What do you really want?" before going into meditation, and I literally heard my spirit, not my mind ( I hear that chatter all of the time) it shouted "I wanna write full time" Since then I've been filled with energy that pushes me to go for what I really want. I still want to do a lot in life, and I will, but since I was 8, I've wanted to write, and I allowed society, and doubters to push me into something more realistic. But now I'm so focused that I KNOW it will be. What about you? What do u REALLY WANT? If the answer is " I don't know" turn off all of the literal and mental noise and listen to your inner self.