Magic

There is something magical about walking in your purpose. Equally it’s disconcerting and chaotic when you are not walking in your purpose. For some reason there is this notion that those who are successful, (happy, doing what they love and getting paid for it ) are lucky or special. Truth is, we are all special. What distinguishes those of us who appear to have these fulfilling lives and those who are miserable and lost is …purpose.
 Since I was little I also wanted to perform and at 8  I  declared that I would be an author. I am an artist in its truest form. But when I was 20 years old  it all clicked for me when I got my first job at a community center. I quickly found what I was meant to do and that is to inspire and motivate others, in particular youth and women. I know this because even when I’m exhausted, put me  in room of teens or women and I come alive. And don’t let me have a stage, because then it’s on! 
Almost 20 years later, I’m at the threshold of 40, and I’ve come to realize that I am supposed use my art and my stage presence as a tool to reach those souls that truly need me. It’s this kind of clarity that guides me daily in my thought and actions. Though this work can be emotionally daunting, I take my responsibility seriously. That’s right, your purpose is your responsibility, it is why you are here. When you don’t understand the why, then it is impossible get to a how, or when or where. I see it all the time, people who bounce from job to job, school to school, certificate to certificate just to be doing something. That’s cool if you are happy, but if you find yourself feeling lost and unsure, it’s time to  make some changes.  Sure, it’s definitely easier said than done; shoot, I stumbled upon my purpose. It found me when I wasn’t even looking. But if you are looking, searching for that one thing, let me assure you won’t find it in a romantic relationship (that’s another post, on another day). But here are a few tips to get you headed in the right direction:

1.       Identify what you are good at doing.

 What ability or talent are you totally confident about? It you’re not sure, ask the people who care about you. Sometimes you are adept at things you may not even be aware of. Make a list.

2.       Identify what gives you pleasure and joy. 

Maybe you enjoy being alone, or in a room full of people. Perhaps you find happiness in what others may see as chores.  What gives you the tingles?

3.       Be open to new experiences.

 Anytime there’s an opportunity presents itself to go some  place you’ve never been or learn a new skill, take it. Even if it doesn’t become your career or you don’t discover your purpose, you may meet someone who will a guide for you on journey to find your purpose.

Number 4 is not a necessity because I believe purpose does not equal day job. But if you can:

 Find a way to generate income from whatever it is you love to do.  In today’s world if the position doesn’t exist, you can create it yourself.

 

What are you waiting for?  Go find your magic!

The Not So Hidden Messages in Hidden Figures

After clapping and crying, being angry,excited and enamoured in a span of 2 hours, I ultimately left the movie theatre feeling inspired and uplifted. The empowering  messages I received from each amazing portrayal of NASA’s African-American human computers in Hidden Figures  were loud, clear and necessary as hell:

1.       Katherine Johnson (played by Taraji P.Henson),  the gifted mathematician, when told no,  refused to accept it as an answer. She was the ultimate example of  "leaning in." When you are capable and talented, don’t back down.  And when they try to shut you up, let your brilliance speak for itself; in other words,  I can show you better than I can tell you. By doing so she went from being ignored to becoming indispensable.

2.       Dorothy Vaughn (played by Octavia Spencer)  took self-determination to another level. Not only did she take the initiative to teach herself about the the first computers, she mastered them, and then taught her  fellow  Black women how to use them as well. In doing so, she too made herself indispensable. More importantly, she pulled her sistas up with her.  Now that is bad assery.

3.       Mary Jackson (played fabulously by Janelle Monae )was intelligent and fiery. Being a woman with high aspirations is tough in 2017, I could only imagine how difficult it was in 1961! With the gender roles issues, work/life balance and every kind of ism  black women are up against today,  it's nothing compared what she experienced and under far more extreme conditions. But it served as a reminder to us all that you cannot let other’s  fears, misconceptions and judgments veer you off track, whether they be institutions or people.  In her story, I saw that somebody has to be the first, why not  me? Why not you?

This movie was just the nudge  I needed to push me me off the cliff of 2016 and into flight of 2017.I’m about to soar... and I'm taking my sistas with me! Thank you ladies, messages received.

 "If they don't give you a seat at the table, bring a folding chair." 

                              - Shirley Chisholm

The Mixed Feelings of Motherhood

            There’s something so bittersweet about the anticipation of my first born’s graduation from high school. I've been reflecting so much lately. I remember thinking,  "I just have to get him out of high school and I’m good”. But looking at him on the verge of 18, I start to think:  it’s not enough, but it will have to be enough.  In a couple of month’s, he will be a legal adult, able to make his own decisions. And while I can offer my opinion and give my unsolicited advice, in the end, it’s his choice, his life. That is hard for me because he’s been my baby for so long.

            Since the day I found out I was pregnant with him,  most of my life’s big decisions have been centered on what would be best for him. I changed my major, trading the unstable writing world for a more secure career in social services; I bought a house an adjacent town from where I grew up, so my son could be away from gangs and street violence; I pursued my dreams, not just for me, but so that he could see it could be done.  I worked two jobs so he would not want for anything; I took him with me when I worked with those were less fortunate so he could appreciate what he had. Most people look at him and think I've done a pretty decent job, me and my village of course. But lately, I've felt a sense of resentment towards his father resurfacing that I had long vanished.

            While trying to get my master’s degree and working 2 jobs, and struggling with my new home ownership responsibilities, I became frustrated that he had not been leading by example, or spending quality time, or providing financially since we broke up when my son was three. It took until my son was 11 to begin to let it go, forgive. But still, every now and then when I gave my son my last 10 bucks for lunch money, or if I saw his father in a brand new coat, or heard about him having another child, I became incensed. My son was his first child, and he was 21 with a high school diploma and an able mind and body when my baby was born, but he chose street life over being a present parent.  So I’d get upset, then I’d get over it because that’s what mothers do. As my son became more dependent and older, I had to deal with his fatherless, so the resentment became dormant. Besides, I had my father, who was doing more than his share to help raise him.

  Now that this momentous event is upon us, I feel that resentment brewing again. Why? Because now I have another son, a toddler, and because his father is present, I get to be the soft, nurturing mommy. Daddy can be the stern baritone voice, and mommy can be… mommy.  I was once that way with my older son, but then when the realities of the world set in, when I saw my boy growing into a Black man, an endangered species in America, fear crept in. I had to be tough, I had to be on his back. I had to teach him about sex, how to behave if pulled over by the police, model work ethic, school him about the streets; I had to be the crazy mom to show up if he wasn't where he was supposed to be. I feel like I was robbed of being the pushover mom... the sweet mom I wanted to be because his father didn't step up. 

Now he will be there on graduation day, and at the party, and I honestly have mixed feelings about it. On one hand, that is his father, and I've never discouraged their relationship, despite my feelings.  On the other hand, he will get to celebrate something he had NO PART in making happen. And that has me feeling… “Some type of way.”  But I guess I’ll get over, because that’s just what mothers do.

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow

Yesterday I didn't get up when my alarm clock went off, so I lost 20 to 25 minutes of preparation, including breakfast.  It was snowing outside and the ride to work was long and treacherous. My teenage son was defending his failure to do chores through text messages. my toddler had been up all night complaining if growing pains. So I had McDonald’s and drank coffee, and Diet Coke and Pepsi (I know so bad). And I ordered a pastrami grinder with potato chips for lunch, just because I knew it would feel good. All to stay awake so I could work on my research (through my lunch and my break) so I can get one step closer to becoming Dr.Boz.  By the end of the day, I’d run out of steam. I mean I was too tired to even drink my Thursday night glass of Cabernet. On top of that, I had a headache and cramps, and it was cold outside. I was exhausted and cranky. But I was supposed to continue working on my writing which is due in a week. Instead, I decided to change into my sweats, take two ibuprofen, and drink tons and tons of water, and some decaf green tea.  I whipped up some quick chili for the family then I turned the lights down low, got lost in some mindless “reality” TV. When I got sleepy, I went to sleep. Robert Roberts once said that her mother told her,  "When you are having a bad day, just go to bed." I told myself that if I slept well tonight I would have more energy to keep fight tomorrow. 

Robin's mother was right. I was right. I woke this morning, made my eggs, and a healthy, vitamin-filled shake with almond milk for lunch.  I felt energized and yes, ready to finish that work. I feel so good that I had to write this post to share my take away from the last 24 hours.

 First, sometimes you just have to stop and take a break from whatever it is to rejuvenate, clear your head. Balance will be restored naturally. I ate horribly yesterday and drank horribly, but today I’m craving good stuff. My attitude was horrible, not just because of PMS, but also because I was frustrated with the challenges I was facing. When I get overwhelmed, I become a bit snappy, I become lethargic. Secondly, I was reminded that everything is temporary. The fact is I will have some major writing to do this weekend, but next Friday, I will be done. Sometimes we have to focus on the end result instead of dwelling on the struggle. When you are sinking you have to put your energy into swimming to land, not into the thoughts of drowning. #ICanDoThis

Preparation

              I know I am 3 months over due, but happy New Year!

 Like I write in my new book, every day is new start! And my year has been off to a great start. Opportunity has not only been knocking on my door, but it’s been barging in and I am loving it. You know why? Because I’m constantly in a state of preparation and I rarely say no when someone presents an opportunity. One day a couple of weeks ago at  2:00 in the afternoon I got an email asking me to show up at a studio to record for 4. I showed up on time wearing one of my branding t-shirts and was ready to recite my poem for the camera. It’s moments like that fuel me when I’m feeling burned out or like things aren’t moving as quickly as I’d  wish.

            Not only is preparation key, but opportunity only comes where it’s welcomed. By this I mean, your attitude. So many people walk around full of misery and expecting the worst. Not me, I know I am meant for great things, and I appreciate the greatness that has already occurred. And if ever for a moment I forget to be an optimist and expecting, there’s always a reminder, and it’s never subtle (because the universe knows I don’t work like that.). Yesterday morning my sleep was interrupted by a televangelist, who I would never watch when awake. But his message was what I needed to hear, which is that you have to wake up EXPECTING and just how much power it releases when you do so. It woke me up and got me right back to work because this year, I’m definitely EXPECTING big things? What about you, what are you expecting?

Empathy Matters

For many of us when we are little toddlers we live in this protective bubble created by our parents; we are loved, nurtured and made to feel like we can do anything. I was one of those people who was blessed enough to experience this. My grandmother didn’t have high school diploma, but she had good sense to love me and build me up enough to love myself. As we grow up, we step out into the real world and for some of us, it’s like stepping out into the street and being hit by a truck at full speed. We suffer irreparable hurt, because for some reason, people don’t see or don’t acknowledge our beauty, our talent, our existence. So we build wall to protect us, walk around in armored suits and masks not being our true selves. Or we imitate those who appear to be surviving a bit better than we are. I’ll admit, I’VE DONE IT. But I’m telling you, it was something about the way I was raised that never let me lose site of who I was (except when I wanted to be T-BOZ from TLC).


But what happens to those who never felt that protection; that initial unconditional love? Do they ever take off the armor and the mask? Do they ever truly discover their uniqueness; their greatness? It’s hard when the world around them isn’t empathetic and can’t even begin to conceptualize that this person is afraid, hurting, and unsure.

My job working with many youth who are in this predicament has helped me to become more accepting and aware when I come into adults I meet. Lucky for them ;) it allows me to be more patient when I come across people who rub me the wrong way. I don’t have to be friends with them, but I can try to be understanding of the fact that they, like all of us have some unresolved issues. So I don’t go off on them, I don’t internalize their behavior. I can brush it off and keeping it moving, or perhaps be that sunshine they need for the day. This is called GROWTH. And my interaction with them, my response, may help them to grow as well.

    "Do not judge your neighbor until you have walked two moons in his moccasins." -Cheyenne Tribe

Green and Growing

I think the worst thing we can do to ourselves is to stop growing. I mean in every capacity… professionally, spiritually, personally. Yet people constantly do it. They settle in at a job because it pays the bills but never do they try to discover their true purpose. OR they follow the same bible and same God their mother did without trying to find meaning in it themselves. OR they have the mentality that they are who they are and nobody can change. They are right, no one can change it but themselves. People really don’t know what true happiness they are missing out on by remaining stagnant. You constantly have to grow, or like plants, you stop being beautiful, wither and die. Everything that happens to us or that we MAKE happen helps us to grow. But we have to seek ways in which to do so.

I was raised Christian, my grandmother slept with a bible underneath her pillow and prayed every night, so I prayed every night. When the bible was quoted, I believed it. But as I grew older I realized spirituality was much more than that, I learned about energy and mindfulness. I still believe in a higher power, but I also believe in my personal power.  I  read and talk to people of sustenance for my personal growth and I challenge myself in all areas, not for rewards and accolades, but because I am able to learn from whatever risks I take. It is through this growth I’ve developed a sense of personal awareness that many people lack. They don’t really know who they are, or what they believe. They can’t recognize when they are overcompensating or envious. Through learning and new experiences we can then self-reflect, and when you know better….you do better. It’s spring, flowers are in full bloom, shouldn’t you be too?

                                                    painting by Shanna Melton

Boss??????

Lately, I’ve been hearing and seeing a lot of females refer to themselves as bosses. Boss lady, boss bitch, boss whatever. This is one bandwagon I just can’t jump on, for several reasons. First, because there are many who use the term and don’t necessarily live by it. You may have red bottom shoes, a hot car, jewelry, trips, fine dining, know some celebrities, etc.  But are you really the BOSS of your own destiny? Are you in control of your life or just floating through life? Madame CJ Walker was boss! Mary McLeod Bethune was a Boss! Those are the standards which I would hold myself to if I were to use the title. They left legacies, they empowered their sisters.  Secondly, I have nothing to prove. I don’t need to label myself as someone in a position of power, I live by it. I see every day the influence I can have over my children, my students, my mentees, just by doing what I do: setting goals, reaching them, helping others to do the same, living with integrity. Thirdly, and most importantly, even if you are an entrepreneur, businesswoman, or store owner, it’s just a title. Which goes back to number one and number two; no amount of money or status will make you a boss. Who are you uplifting for the sake of uplifting, and not just for personal, financial, political gain? In the end, it’s not about power, it’s about EMPOWERMENT. So shout out to the “Boss” whatever. Me I’ll just be Brenda’s Child.

Madame CJ Walker

Mary McLeod Bethune

No Limits for 2013

Wow, it's been exactly 4 months since my last post. Were you waiting anxiously for me? Probably not, but that's cool. Honestly, this blog is for my sanity, but I do share it because I hope that someone can relate and become inspired.

So, of course, I've been going full steam ahead.
 As I like to to at the end of every year, I'm reflecting on the things I've accomplished :

I enrolled full time in a Ph.D. program


I was a presenter for a large conference for people who work with incarcerated teen girls


I am at my most energetic and strongest body weight (not my lightest but my most powerful)


I rode a rodeo bull ( in public)

I hosted the largest attended Gifted Diva Showcase I have in 8 years


 I finally made it to the Harlem Book Fair as an author

I officially filed my youth program as a nonprofit

I helped to establish an entertainment business 

I published the bonus edition of my novella ( something I'd been putting off forever)




I completed Rugged Maniac 5k obstacle course!!!


I've continued to be a go-getter and I love the feeling and the rewards that coming with reaching my goals.


As I prepare for the new year, I will continue to work on being my best self and inspiring other people to do the same. My focus is on my studies, my health and fitness, and my art. I also want to do more fitness challenges, and more adrenaline infusing activities. I want to be sure I maintain that zest for life and to continue to grow as a person. Those are my goals!

Uptight Alright

This weekend I realized how up tight I can be!!!!! I totally have a hard time relaxing. Now, when I am home and I plan my couch potato day, it works, but more than one day...not so much. I was so excited about going to New York for the Harlem book fair, then for once in I don't even remember how long, I was going to go to the club.  I would not have to get up in the middle of the night or at 6am for my baby because he was with a sitter.   I was FREE, but I didn't feel like it. I had a brief moment where I realized that my mind was always thinking, and I wasn't in the moment because I was preoccupied with what was next. How uncool of me! I was thinking about the highway ride home and laundry the the mess I left when I rushed off to leave that morning. I couldn't turn my mind off of all the things I had to do when I got back. I was reaching for my purse when I heard my inner voice said STOP IT. BE IN THE NOW. And I listened. And I'm glad I did because I really did have a much needed good time. I needed to turn off the to do's in my head and let things be. I am glad that I am able to hear that voice when it speaks. Sometimes we can't hear it over all of the chaos, but apparently my inner voice is just as loud and assertive as my actual voice because I wasn't even in meditation and I heard it.

Now when I woke up the next morning, I went back into go mode and found myself pensive, and somewhat guilty  over brunch with getting back to my 9 month old, and cleaning up, and the phone calls I had to make. So while I'm a work in progress, I'm grateful I received the message even if I only followed for  24 hours. It reminded me to listen more intently and more often. I will be in go mode for the next two days as I prepare for my vacation, but I made a solemn promise to myself to let loose and remain in the moment from the time my vacation starts until the time it ends!

Whew...

My first week back at work after 2 months, and guess what I’m still learning…yup…how to surrender! While I thought I suffered from a lack of sleep over the last few months, reality really hit this week. See, when I was on maternity leave, I could go back to sleep in the mid-morning. Now when my bookas ( my baby)  wakes up at 5am, we have to stay up and get ready to venture out so I can be at work by 7:15. So All week I’ve been getting about 4 to 5 hours of sleep.   
   I thought I would spring into things and fully become the old me... Work, home, and gym, after eating well all day and drinking plenty of water. NOPE! Instead, it’s 3 cups of coffee a day, a glass of wine at night, no gym at all, and take out for breakfast, sometimes skipping lunch or sucking down something like Taco Bell so I can catch-up on my lesson planning. ( I brought water to work every day and drank only half of it. Totally not my style, I usually drown myself in water).
     After only stopping to pee all day, I leave work at 2:30 and it’s off to home to do chores, pick up my son from practice, help my nephew with homework, figure out what the hell we are having for dinner, and spend time with my baby (who misses mommy. ) I’m tired just writing about it. My first instinct was to trip, flip, and breakdown. Stamp my feet and say…I can’t do this!!!!!. But something as simple as a hot shower at the end of the day or India Aire in the morning changes all of that and puts things into perspective. There is no longer an old me. So what do I do? I re-invent myself to adapt to my new life. The inner me, the dreamer, the poet, the dancer, the make it happener (okay not a word) are still the essence of who I am, but I have to re-adjust.



I decided to just survive this first week, get into the hang of things, get the timing right, figure out what works and what doesn’t, so that next week I can not just survive but actually feel accomplished when I‘m done. This meant looking past laundry that needed to be done, leaving the baby’s pj’s on the bed until I get home (instead of feeling like they had to be put in the hamper), and being okay with leaving the flat iron in the bathroom, or the iron on the kitchen table. The world won’t end if the house is out of order until I come home.

Now that it’s Thursday and I feel like I made it, I’m ready for some more re-adjustments. So next week I will replace two of those coffees with decaf green tea, and find time to drink water while I’m at work besides just at lunch. Besides I'm sure my students won't mind if I stop talking for a few minutes.  I pledge to get in some exercise which I know is my best source of energy, at least once a day. Even if it’s just some jumping jacks while waiting for my hot water to boil! I went shopping last night to buy me some healthy snacks and lunch…no more skipping meals! That’s all I’m asking of myself. Just a little bit of my time to improve my quality of life, be my best self and more importantly keep my sanity in my new crazy life.