Check your Bags

 My work with young people who have experienced trauma has opened my eyes to the traumatic experiences that many adults (friends, family and strangers) have dealt with and continue to do so daily. This ability to empathize with their struggles has made me much less judgmental and a better listener and understanding my own trauma is why I choose to do what I do. I write about it in more extensively in my memoir. But there are so many people who have yet to address their trauma and it’s a detriment to their health and happiness. Some people drag their baggage around everywhere they go, some try to force others to carry their load. Then there are those who wear all of it like they are trauma brand models.  Oh, and let us not forgot who try to disguise the baggage as fancy accessories, concealing the pain and hurt. In the end, none of it does us any good. While everyone is not going to go for their checkup from the neck up as I previously suggested, there are steps you can take to begin to unpack.

1.   Be present-  Especially when you are about to make a decision. What is it you are doing or are about to do? Pay attention to your body’s physical response and ask yourself why. As someone who struggled with eating disorders in the past this has helped me significantly with my emotional eating.  I ask myself why I really want to order Chinese take out, is it because I’m stressed out about work, or a project? Possibly feeling resentful towards someone? Or is it because I’m hungry and I haven’t had any in a while and I really just want some beef teriyaki?

2.   Reflect instead of deflect- Particularly after a conflict or in a moment of regret. Have you looked at the situation from the other person’s perspective? Was there something you could have done or said differently (in my case it has been that maybe I shouldn’t have said anything)? Ask that WHY once more. Why did you respond that way? What were you feeling? Were you hurt or embarrassed? What were you trying to obtain in that moment?

3.   Reframe your negative experiences- I actually have a full workshop on how to do this. It’s basically the step following reflection. You try to determine the lesson in the experience and find a silver lining. You got laid off?  Perhaps it’s because it’s time for you to chase that dream you’ve been putting off? How has your pain helped you become stronger, or set a positive example of resilience for others?

Our baggage plays a major role and how we came to be who we are today but it doesn’t have to dictate who we will be tomorrow. That is totally up to you!

Whew...

My first week back at work after 2 months, and guess what I’m still learning…yup…how to surrender! While I thought I suffered from a lack of sleep over the last few months, reality really hit this week. See, when I was on maternity leave, I could go back to sleep in the mid-morning. Now when my bookas ( my baby)  wakes up at 5am, we have to stay up and get ready to venture out so I can be at work by 7:15. So All week I’ve been getting about 4 to 5 hours of sleep.   
   I thought I would spring into things and fully become the old me... Work, home, and gym, after eating well all day and drinking plenty of water. NOPE! Instead, it’s 3 cups of coffee a day, a glass of wine at night, no gym at all, and take out for breakfast, sometimes skipping lunch or sucking down something like Taco Bell so I can catch-up on my lesson planning. ( I brought water to work every day and drank only half of it. Totally not my style, I usually drown myself in water).
     After only stopping to pee all day, I leave work at 2:30 and it’s off to home to do chores, pick up my son from practice, help my nephew with homework, figure out what the hell we are having for dinner, and spend time with my baby (who misses mommy. ) I’m tired just writing about it. My first instinct was to trip, flip, and breakdown. Stamp my feet and say…I can’t do this!!!!!. But something as simple as a hot shower at the end of the day or India Aire in the morning changes all of that and puts things into perspective. There is no longer an old me. So what do I do? I re-invent myself to adapt to my new life. The inner me, the dreamer, the poet, the dancer, the make it happener (okay not a word) are still the essence of who I am, but I have to re-adjust.



I decided to just survive this first week, get into the hang of things, get the timing right, figure out what works and what doesn’t, so that next week I can not just survive but actually feel accomplished when I‘m done. This meant looking past laundry that needed to be done, leaving the baby’s pj’s on the bed until I get home (instead of feeling like they had to be put in the hamper), and being okay with leaving the flat iron in the bathroom, or the iron on the kitchen table. The world won’t end if the house is out of order until I come home.

Now that it’s Thursday and I feel like I made it, I’m ready for some more re-adjustments. So next week I will replace two of those coffees with decaf green tea, and find time to drink water while I’m at work besides just at lunch. Besides I'm sure my students won't mind if I stop talking for a few minutes.  I pledge to get in some exercise which I know is my best source of energy, at least once a day. Even if it’s just some jumping jacks while waiting for my hot water to boil! I went shopping last night to buy me some healthy snacks and lunch…no more skipping meals! That’s all I’m asking of myself. Just a little bit of my time to improve my quality of life, be my best self and more importantly keep my sanity in my new crazy life.

6 weeks later...Easier said than done

On October 4 I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy Elijah Langston (named after my poetic boo Langston Hughes.) The next day my boyfriend proposed. Then when I got home from the hospital, reality set in. I was slowly learning to surrender with the pregnancy, but I had no idea it would have to continue AFTER. Nor did I realize how much my patience with myself would be tested. The first thing was my new body. I would wait 6 weeks before I could be my regular energetic self. I would have to take it easy and not over exert myself. Easier said than done. While everyone is at work and school, you look around and laundry that needs to be done, a bathroom that needs cleaning, and vacuum cleaner that needs to be fixed so the floor can be vacuumed. So I had to decide, do I sleep while baby is sleeping and wait until everyone gets home so they can clean, or do I do it myself? Do I make bottles or try to make myself look like less of a mess. Yes my self-confidence was shaky as I looked at the bags under my eyes, or at the leggings I was tired of wearing because my uterus had not shrunk and my  stomach looked like a deflated soufflé. It is so real. You just wish you could snap your fingers and get yourself back. Then I look at my outdated website, and deadlines for the publications I write for. I could take a break, but I don’t want to.  So the last six weeks have been a flip flop back and forth between do this, or do that?? And feeling like I haven’t gotten enough done during the day. But the logical side says “HELLO you just gave birth and you are on maternity leave. LET IT GO!”  Easier said than done. But here I am six weeks later, slowly trying to get my groove back. My strategy… take one thing at a time introducing things back in my life. First exercise, then writing, then promoting myself, eventually I’ll be back on the mic (Can’t wait.) I do what I feel like doing. SO If I wanna get cute just to sit in the house, I will. I f I don’t feel like brushing my teeth until 2pm, so be it. I can’t lie some days I still feel like flip flopping ( do this or do that while he's napping), but for the most part I think I’m getting the hang of it. I think I can finally get over asking myself, “How will I do it all?” I’m Brenda’s Child, making things happen is what I do!