Check your Bags

 My work with young people who have experienced trauma has opened my eyes to the traumatic experiences that many adults (friends, family and strangers) have dealt with and continue to do so daily. This ability to empathize with their struggles has made me much less judgmental and a better listener and understanding my own trauma is why I choose to do what I do. I write about it in more extensively in my memoir. But there are so many people who have yet to address their trauma and it’s a detriment to their health and happiness. Some people drag their baggage around everywhere they go, some try to force others to carry their load. Then there are those who wear all of it like they are trauma brand models.  Oh, and let us not forgot who try to disguise the baggage as fancy accessories, concealing the pain and hurt. In the end, none of it does us any good. While everyone is not going to go for their checkup from the neck up as I previously suggested, there are steps you can take to begin to unpack.

1.   Be present-  Especially when you are about to make a decision. What is it you are doing or are about to do? Pay attention to your body’s physical response and ask yourself why. As someone who struggled with eating disorders in the past this has helped me significantly with my emotional eating.  I ask myself why I really want to order Chinese take out, is it because I’m stressed out about work, or a project? Possibly feeling resentful towards someone? Or is it because I’m hungry and I haven’t had any in a while and I really just want some beef teriyaki?

2.   Reflect instead of deflect- Particularly after a conflict or in a moment of regret. Have you looked at the situation from the other person’s perspective? Was there something you could have done or said differently (in my case it has been that maybe I shouldn’t have said anything)? Ask that WHY once more. Why did you respond that way? What were you feeling? Were you hurt or embarrassed? What were you trying to obtain in that moment?

3.   Reframe your negative experiences- I actually have a full workshop on how to do this. It’s basically the step following reflection. You try to determine the lesson in the experience and find a silver lining. You got laid off?  Perhaps it’s because it’s time for you to chase that dream you’ve been putting off? How has your pain helped you become stronger, or set a positive example of resilience for others?

Our baggage plays a major role and how we came to be who we are today but it doesn’t have to dictate who we will be tomorrow. That is totally up to you!

Whatever the Hell I Please

                  


It’s tax season and social media has been flooded with 

memes, some hilarious, some not so much. There are the ones about fat or ugly girls having men they supposedly wouldn’t ever be able to attract otherwise. Then there are those, which I’m guilty of laughing at, showing how women look before and after taxes, from weaves to furs and anything else you can imagine. While I have what I believe to be a great sense of humor, the feminist single mother in me cannot help but be offended by some actual written about posts about how we choose to spend our money,  or our audacity not to split the child income credit with our “baby daddy”. While I’m sure every case is different, I’m writing on behalf of the many women I know.  It’s my damn money and I will do what the hell I please!!! 
 As someone who has been in different tax brackets, I have strong feelings about this. When I was living in subsidized housing, with my fuel assistance and Medicaid, I received the EIC (Earned Income Credit) for my son. I was a full-time student who delivered pizzas, substitute taught and did whatever I needed to do pay bills. When I got that tax check, I treated myself to some new clothes to prepare myself for the professional world, bought my son things I normally couldn’t afford and gave money to my babysitters who kept my son for free all year while I worked. I also redecorated my apartment, switching out my son’s toddler size mattress to a twin bed, or upgrading a furniture set or TV ( that was a hand me down) to something newer. It felt good to have that extra money when there were times I was searching my couch cushions for loose change just to have enough for my son's lunch money. One year I used that extra money to buy a new car so that I could stop driving pieces of junk that constantly needed oil, brake fluid, coolant, tires, a jump start or a tow.  Then for two years in a row, I saved my money to use for a down payment on a house so I could get the hell out of the projects.  Fast forward years later, I apparently make too much money for the EIC. Still, I look forward to the benefits of tax season and my substantial refund.  Daycare for my toddler is $500 a month,  I’m paying back money from the my students loans, and I’m an owner of a historic home which is constantly being upgraded for myself and my tenant.  When I get my money, I treat myself first to clothes and shoes, do some home improvements and redecorating, save some, pay ahead some bills and... whatever the hell else I please! 
 A woman should not be condemned for what she does with her tax money, especially not by her “baby daddy”  because he pays child support. Child support??? Please! Unless you’re a celebrity dropping thousands monthly, child support for many of the women I know only pays for sneakers, or haircuts, maybe daycare. And then I know men who only buy their kids "what they need” because they don’t want to put money in a woman’s hands? What a joke! All year long your child needs food, electricity, hot water, heat, and if you’re lucky cable so they can watch Nick Jr.  But it’s the mother who is put down because she wants to treat herself to a mani and pedi, or a new hairdo? Again, I know there are outliers, extremes on both ends, but I’m writing for the many hardworking single mothers who didn’t plan on raising babies alone, and we deserve more respect. Instead of condemning her, why not help her out?  Expose her to some financial options or programs, teach some skills, lend a helping hand, be an emotional support system. 
While today  I'm in a much better place than I was 10 or 15 years ago, I know that the struggle is more than real, it can be  continuous, lonely and exhausting.

This is why every other year I host the She got H.E.R.S conference for young women, mothers or not. We all need a little guidance and encouragement!

After the Storm:Foobs & Fipples

I’m beginning to feel like a pro. Wash all the clothes, clean the house, take out button up and zip up clothes (because I won’t be able to reach over my head), pick up my toddler all day (because I won’t be able to do that again for a few weeks) and prep him for mommy recovery again (he is not happy about it and threatened to punch the doctor’s for giving me boo-boos). Before I take my shower tonight I’ll take one last picture of my foobs before I get my fipples. The way my oncology gyno explained it is that he will pretty much do origami with my scar tissue and create semi erect fipples. In order for them to be even, my surgeon will do a freast lift, which means now I will be EXTRA perky.

I know it seems painful, But I have no sensation in my freasts

 Still it will be a couple of more months before Toya the Remix is complete and I finally get my areolas tattooed.  As prepared as I feel, because of course I’ve done the research, I still get nervous about going under. And while I know the pain will be minimal compared to last time, I hate pain and pain meds and being limited physically.  I know it’s temporary. I know it’s worth it, but I still get nervous. Who wouldn’t? And I’m still looking forward to spring when I will be healed much more internally so that I really get back in to my fitness. I mean what do I look like with a flat stomach, perky foobs, but jiggly arms and a flat ass??? And no, this is not me putting myself down. I  have loved my body through all its stages, but since I found out I need more stomach fat in order to have these nice breasts, I had to go through some major changes. Prior to all of this I was killing it at boot camp. I felt strong, powerful, I had some cut in my arms and my backside was getting good and round from thousands of squats. I tried it few weeks ago and I was filled with adrenaline as I pounded the medicine ball to the floor, and did jump squats and planks (I used to do 1 minute, now it’s like 15 seconds). But two days later I was almost incapacitated at work, abs were sore, the muscles underneath my boobs were sore, okay no sore, straight hurting. I had to quit. Okay, not quit, but postpone until 2016.

 I know I’m powerful, I’m still here. But I cannot wait to get back to being the weight lifting beast I was becoming last year around this time!

Storm- a friend gave me a little statue  of her to help me weather "The Storm"

 But wait is exactly what I have to do.  Tomorrow I check in at 6:00 am signing off. Later folks

Boss??????

Lately, I’ve been hearing and seeing a lot of females refer to themselves as bosses. Boss lady, boss bitch, boss whatever. This is one bandwagon I just can’t jump on, for several reasons. First, because there are many who use the term and don’t necessarily live by it. You may have red bottom shoes, a hot car, jewelry, trips, fine dining, know some celebrities, etc.  But are you really the BOSS of your own destiny? Are you in control of your life or just floating through life? Madame CJ Walker was boss! Mary McLeod Bethune was a Boss! Those are the standards which I would hold myself to if I were to use the title. They left legacies, they empowered their sisters.  Secondly, I have nothing to prove. I don’t need to label myself as someone in a position of power, I live by it. I see every day the influence I can have over my children, my students, my mentees, just by doing what I do: setting goals, reaching them, helping others to do the same, living with integrity. Thirdly, and most importantly, even if you are an entrepreneur, businesswoman, or store owner, it’s just a title. Which goes back to number one and number two; no amount of money or status will make you a boss. Who are you uplifting for the sake of uplifting, and not just for personal, financial, political gain? In the end, it’s not about power, it’s about EMPOWERMENT. So shout out to the “Boss” whatever. Me I’ll just be Brenda’s Child.

Madame CJ Walker

Mary McLeod Bethune

This is where I am

So...almost two months into my new year, and I have to say, I'm still excited and very proud of myself. First, I have stuck to the wine and beer only thing, which was tough in the beginning, but I have officially been able to say no to the Grey Goose. Secondly, I have really slowed down on my lunch break and made time for myself. As a result, I am a lot more peaceful and less scatter-brained.
I've been really consistent with my morning ritual (except some weekends where I PLAN to be unproductive and lazy.) And I have officially kicked my dunkin' donuts habit, saving myself $40 bucks a month. I actually LOVE my homemade coffee, and brewing it is apart of my morning ritual.
What am I most excited about... the fact that I brought myself 5 pairs of jeans, all a size 10!!!! Yes, that's right, I released 8 unnecessary pounds. I am really on my way. I have to say, I've done well with the healthy habits, but I have partaken in takeout. Not to make excuses, but a sista is busy working three jobs, mommying, and mentoring. However, I noticed I crave it less, and eat less when I do. My appetite has noticeably decreased...awesome!

As far as my book, I'm making steady progress. ( more than 3/4 done) It's tough writing about yourself. It's coming together just how I envisioned, though more slowly, thanks to real life. But my illustrator working on the cover and I plan to be done very soon.
I've had trouble with telling folks I love them. I know it's probably some deep-rooted issue. My son is the only it comes easy for. Everyone else gets in cards and thank you letters. But to actually vocalize it is tough. Still working on it.

I've decided to get another teaching license in either English or History to go along with my special education license. The more marketable, the better.

In the fall, I 'm looking at going for that Ph.D. (Maybe) I've already contacted a program, but I need to make sure I'm really committed before I begin. In the meantime, my Diva Showcase is this year.


But I will get my certification as a Zumba instructor in April.

I love to set and reach goals, it's exciting to complete one thing and move on to the next. I'm happy that I am content with my ambition right now because often times I'm frustrated with it.

So far, I guess I would say, once again...I'm right where I'm supposed to be.
What about you? How are u doing?

2010...Welcome

Happy New Year! I may not be where I want to be, but my spirit knows it is exactly where it is SUPPOSED to be. In 2009, I finally published my first novella, "Despite Everything" a story that I first began writing at 14. I also published my second poetry collection, where I held back nothing. ( Pat on my back.) I finished the District-based licensure course to earn my second teaching license. I lost an unsightly 15 pounds. I completed my masters in Nonprofit Management and Philanthropy. But this year I need to take these accomplishments to the next level...I need to learn how to follow through. I published those books, but I didn't push hard to PUBLICIZE it. MARKET it. So what good is the book if no one really reads it other than my small circle of friends and fans? And 5 of those pounds I gained back during my struggles in November with family death/sickness. I gotta get on my grind. Not just go hard, but go my HARDEST!!!! I'm putting it out there to hold myself accountable, and to hold you accountable for holding me accountable.

This year:

I'm gonna release 15 more pounds, and keep it release!!!!!! Which isn't tough considering I used to be an 18 and now I'm a 12. I want to be a 10, borderline 8, so I have to gain control over my emotional eating and learn to deal with death in a more healthy manner. I will go back to those good habits I lost, like avoiding fast, fried foods, processed foods, and white pasta and bread. At work, I will commit to sitting at my desk, listen to Jill Scott and eat my lunch slowly and consciously, because I deserve those few minutes in the middle of my day. I will be teaching a workout class twice a week, so that's great. I will challenge myself with yoga, consistently. I have to return to my strength and resistance training. I will workout 5days a week...PERIOD!

I am going to find a way to finance publicizing my books. I will travel out of state to spread it around. For my 32nd birthday, I will release my memoir, which I think I may want to look into getting an agent for. I gotta get to my girl Oprah before she goes off the air. I love my fan base here, but I want the world to read and be inspired by my poetry and stories. I will visit my friend's cities first, to make connects. I will continue to be a walking advertisement for my art. I will have to do fewer shows for free so I can finance my dreams, time is precious. This also means fewer dunkin' donuts and more coffee brewing.

I will focus more on prayer and stillness so that I can be centered as I push myself to soar to great heights. So that I will have patience with my son, my family, my students, my friends, and myself. Every morning I will stretch, meditate, thank Jesus, and read everything on my vision board outloud as a reminder to be productive that day.

I will tell people I love them when I do. I've been through so much losing people, and I have to realize I have no control over that. I can only control how much I love them and how I show them while they are here.

I will take risks with my career path. I will either enroll in an administrator program to become a principle, or find a doctorate program. I will establish my youth program as a legal entity. I will not let fear allow me to procrastinate any longer. (But to be honest, I'm so set on reaching my goals as a writer, my future career steps are not quite crystal clear; I know I can't stay still.)

In my efforts to live a long healthy life....I am giving up hard liquor! What?? Yes, I am. I will still indulge occasionally in a Corona Light, or some Lambrusco (or Reisling, or Pino), but I am serious. It's a bunch of empty calories, and then it slows me down the next day, which means that I am being less productive.

I think that's all...for now. It's actually not a lot if I take it one day at a time, and know that you can only break habits if you make new ones.

I wish the best for you all and just want you to really LIVE. It's never too late to live out your dreams as long as you're breathing. So find yourself, and make it happen!

Ambition is exhausting

There is so much I want out of life, so many goals I want to accomplish, but we all know it's hard to keep moving forward steadily when we have to live day to day responsibilities while trying to accomplish them. Sometimes I feel like there's not enough time in the day to do it all. After working two jobs, exercising, running errands, volunteering,etc., I'm wiped out. But I have to keep telling myself that I can't be the person who lives so much in the present that I don't work for a future. I want to write so many more books, I want to launch my youth program, get my doctorate, get married, have one more baby, and just be happy. (So there, I'm putting it out there in the universe.)
With me trying to do so much, I get run down, tired, and frustrated every now and then. I lose focus and have to remind myself that slow and steady wins the race and that as long as I am moving, I shouldn't stress about the pace at which I am doing so. But being the go-getter I am, it gets exhausting. Then I have to wind down, rest my mind and body, recharge, and attack life again. Do you feel me?