Good bye 2017

I have dreaded writing my final post this year, something I have never done before. Usually, I am excited to review all the wonderful things I have experienced and accomplished in 12 months, but 2017 was the most overwhelming year I have had in a long time. I mean it was so challenging, I allowed those difficulties to overshadow the good, take me out of my gratitude mindset. One was my hernia surgery, which I thought would happen in late winter or early spring, but instead, it was postponed, as was my recovery. In my mind I was going to have the surgery, heal up quickly, and be snatched, quite frankly. Instead, I am still slightly swollen in my abdomen and I have no ab muscles. Most of my summer was on bed rest.  Much like after previous surgeries, I know that in due time I will get my strength back, but still, it frustrating as hell.

Secondly, my number one goal of 2017 was complete my dissertation and finally become Dr. Boz.  Well, technically I did finish my dissertation. However, due to some changes within the school, approval on so many levels has been postponed, and there is nothing I can do except file a grievance and pay my costly tuition.  This has been devastating. They were things that happened within the immediate family that rattled me. Not to go into so many details, but there was another breast cancer diagnosis, my adult son moved back home, and my grandson’s mother did not care about him having a relationship with anyone on my side of the family. It breaks my heart into little pieces everyday that he lives so close by and I can count on my hands the number of times I have seen him. How do shape all of this nonsense into a lesson and shape it positively?

Here it goes:

 First, upon heavy meditation, I’ve been rushing all my life. Subconsciously, and somewhat consciously, I have always tried to beat the clock because my experience with the death of so many women in my family created fear about the brevity of life. I thought I had dealt with this, and come to terms with the fact that I have taken steps to extend my life and I will die an old lady. But this year I have realized I have not. I let the idea that I must rush and get things done, accomplish goals before it is too late. The crazy thing is, I only rush to cross items off a list. I don’t bask in my accomplishments, or focus on experiences instead of just accomplishments. Because of this, two of my major changes for 2018 will be:

A.      To have more fun! To live honey! More experiences and traveling

This year I

B.      Celebrate Every F**king Thing. Because I honestly do not celebrate myself enough. The Queen of Self-esteem doesn’t celebrate all she’s overcome!  I have been going and going so long that I am no longer mindful of just how amazing it is.

C.        

1.       I finished my dissertation. I did. I finished 5 long ass Chapters. A year of literal sweat and tears (no blood.)

2.       I created  #SistasAre Dope journal and T-shirt

3.       Published my first Children’ s book

4.       Gave a kickass commencement speech

5.       Graduated from a leadership program

6.       Inspired crowds with spoken word  and got paid for it

Not bad. Not bad at all. And the crazy thing is, I really didn’t take the time to pat myself on the back.

 And you know what else was awesome about this year?

1.       The breast cancer diagnosis meant involved no chemo and was a stage 0. She is cancer free

2.       I was there when my grandson was born and watch him for his first few minutes of life. I got to see my son, become a father.

3.       I was there to see people I love in awards, like my father and my sista friend

4.       I attended the New York red carpet movie premiere of my sista friend

5.       I switched to a position at work that is way less stressful, and I have a better leader

6.       I had the support of family and friends through the dissertation writing, the recovery from surgery and at my book release

7.       I did an amazing professional photo shoot

8.       Welcomed a baby girl in the family whose life I will be a part of

9.       Tried 3 new activities

10. I have discovered estrogen in hormone replacement therapy

2017 wasn't so horrible in hindsight. It just forced me to face some things I had pushed deep down, and it is preparing me to reap (and enjoy) the rewards of my hard work. 2018, I will work smarter not harder because there is some fun not be had!

Magic

There is something magical about walking in your purpose. Equally it’s disconcerting and chaotic when you are not walking in your purpose. For some reason there is this notion that those who are successful, (happy, doing what they love and getting paid for it ) are lucky or special. Truth is, we are all special. What distinguishes those of us who appear to have these fulfilling lives and those who are miserable and lost is …purpose.
 Since I was little I also wanted to perform and at 8  I  declared that I would be an author. I am an artist in its truest form. But when I was 20 years old  it all clicked for me when I got my first job at a community center. I quickly found what I was meant to do and that is to inspire and motivate others, in particular youth and women. I know this because even when I’m exhausted, put me  in room of teens or women and I come alive. And don’t let me have a stage, because then it’s on! 
Almost 20 years later, I’m at the threshold of 40, and I’ve come to realize that I am supposed use my art and my stage presence as a tool to reach those souls that truly need me. It’s this kind of clarity that guides me daily in my thought and actions. Though this work can be emotionally daunting, I take my responsibility seriously. That’s right, your purpose is your responsibility, it is why you are here. When you don’t understand the why, then it is impossible get to a how, or when or where. I see it all the time, people who bounce from job to job, school to school, certificate to certificate just to be doing something. That’s cool if you are happy, but if you find yourself feeling lost and unsure, it’s time to  make some changes.  Sure, it’s definitely easier said than done; shoot, I stumbled upon my purpose. It found me when I wasn’t even looking. But if you are looking, searching for that one thing, let me assure you won’t find it in a romantic relationship (that’s another post, on another day). But here are a few tips to get you headed in the right direction:

1.       Identify what you are good at doing.

 What ability or talent are you totally confident about? It you’re not sure, ask the people who care about you. Sometimes you are adept at things you may not even be aware of. Make a list.

2.       Identify what gives you pleasure and joy. 

Maybe you enjoy being alone, or in a room full of people. Perhaps you find happiness in what others may see as chores.  What gives you the tingles?

3.       Be open to new experiences.

 Anytime there’s an opportunity presents itself to go some  place you’ve never been or learn a new skill, take it. Even if it doesn’t become your career or you don’t discover your purpose, you may meet someone who will a guide for you on journey to find your purpose.

Number 4 is not a necessity because I believe purpose does not equal day job. But if you can:

 Find a way to generate income from whatever it is you love to do.  In today’s world if the position doesn’t exist, you can create it yourself.

 

What are you waiting for?  Go find your magic!

One in a Million

Once again, I strayed from my blog due to my hectic life. That and I really love writing on paper with a pen so much more. It just is what it is. While I can say that right now I am oozing with gratitude, my heart is burdened with the fact that so many people I  know and care about are not living their best life. Either they are complacent (not content, but complacent) with working a 9 to 5 and paying bills, never dreaming or attempt more, or they are holding onto so much to the past, they cannot allow themselves to be happy. Either way, I watch them and it saddens me emotionally. But makes me feel suffocated for them.  We all have this inner power to create the life we want, but for some, it’s power never tapped into.  Sometimes you want to shake them and say, forgive, let it go, or take the talent and show it with the world! Damn it!

                When I become this frustrated, I have to detach myself, remind myself that it is their path, and only they must walk it.  Then I will myself into accepting it by focusing on the people are dreaming about it and doing it. Surround and immerse myself around people who are so vibrant, bold, and happy, that I have no choice but to not focus on the ones who aren’t. Still, it's a challenge when you see someone as a star, a unique a dynamo of fire, but they only see themselves as one of millions instead of one in a million.

Ego Tripping (There may be a reason why)

It is so hard trying to do good in a world where people are always looking for bad. Judging and scrutiny can get the best of us, even me, the self-proclaimed “Queen of Self-Esteem.”But whenever I find myself pulled into the negativity I have to step back and look at two important things: Purpose and Outcome. What is it I’m trying to do and why? For me, it’s inspiring people, especially youth. Why? Because I am a product of it. Throughout my life, it’s been mentors, historical figures, art and music that have kept me going when I wanted to give up, that have forced me to see things in a more positive light. I want to do that for others because it can be life changing, literally. Inspiration can mean the difference between high school drop out and college grad, between a drug dealer and car dealership owner, between suicide and living. Why is so important because it helps us to maintain our integrity when we are tempted to compromise our standards, beliefs, and values in order to live out our purpose. It is also important because it distracts us from our own selfish reasons that may arrive. For instance, I want to sell 6million copies of my memoir to save 6million lives. Not to get rich, but to save lives. However, I would love to write professionally full time. I have to be wary of this when opportunities present themselves that may tempt me to stray. This is when I have to look at outcomes. I will know I am staying true on my purpose when I can see its effects. For me, it’s the youth I work with who flourish into productive adults who are accomplishing goals and making their mark on the world.  In the end, this is all that matters, not what other people think my intentions are, not what they feel I am doing, and not if it gets national exposure or millions of dollars. In the end, when you do what you’re passionate about, it will pay off in more ways than one.

Goals must never be from your ego, but problems that cry for a solution.

-Robert H. Schuller

No more guilt!

So it was much to my disappointment last night that I was amped up for about an hour to go somewhere. Then reality set in. I was exhausted and dozing off on a Saturday night at 10:30. I couldn’t even finish the lifetime movie I had started. Reluctantly, I surrendered. But even I as lay in bed I had to reason with and remind myself that I needed to listen to my body, which was screaming it was tired. Tired from working out strenuously for 4 days in the week; from being on my feet ( even if they are mostly flats) pacing back and forth as a teacher, tired from running after a 1 1/2-year-old, tired from traveling to rehearse for an upcoming play, tired of typing! Not only was my body drained, but my mind also needed to rest. During the week I’m up at 5:45am and I’m in bed by 11 or 12 at night. The only time I truly relaxing during those hours is when I sit on the couch with my baby while he dozes off on the arm of the chair. So I had to once again remind myself to keep my eyes on the prize. I kick ass during the week to make my dreams come true, to be the best teacher I can be, to keep myself healthy, and take care of my family. I have to rely on QUALITY time instead of quantity when it comes to the household. Therefore when the WEEKENDS…. So does my running around and being outside of my home. My Saturday and Sunday ( unless of course, I have an event) are dedicated to my the home front.  So if you don’t see much, this is why, and I am okay with it ( Most times ;)   EVERY NOW AND THEN I HAVE TO REMIND MYSELF THAT IF I WANT MY LIFE TO BE DIFFERENT I HAVE TO DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY.

Boss??????

Lately, I’ve been hearing and seeing a lot of females refer to themselves as bosses. Boss lady, boss bitch, boss whatever. This is one bandwagon I just can’t jump on, for several reasons. First, because there are many who use the term and don’t necessarily live by it. You may have red bottom shoes, a hot car, jewelry, trips, fine dining, know some celebrities, etc.  But are you really the BOSS of your own destiny? Are you in control of your life or just floating through life? Madame CJ Walker was boss! Mary McLeod Bethune was a Boss! Those are the standards which I would hold myself to if I were to use the title. They left legacies, they empowered their sisters.  Secondly, I have nothing to prove. I don’t need to label myself as someone in a position of power, I live by it. I see every day the influence I can have over my children, my students, my mentees, just by doing what I do: setting goals, reaching them, helping others to do the same, living with integrity. Thirdly, and most importantly, even if you are an entrepreneur, businesswoman, or store owner, it’s just a title. Which goes back to number one and number two; no amount of money or status will make you a boss. Who are you uplifting for the sake of uplifting, and not just for personal, financial, political gain? In the end, it’s not about power, it’s about EMPOWERMENT. So shout out to the “Boss” whatever. Me I’ll just be Brenda’s Child.

Madame CJ Walker

Mary McLeod Bethune

Inspiration is Everywhere

So today I woke up and found I released 20 pounds since the end of February. Who-hoo for me. Sure it’s taken discipline, portion control and some serious working out, but I truly couldn’t have done it without inspiration. It literally fell in my lap as I was uploading a youtube video. I came across someone who lost weight and kept a vlog. Then I saw other videos and whenever I wanted to order pizza hut, I visited a vlog or a blog instead. And it worked. But it’s not just in that department. Sometimes I log onto facebook, or flip a channel, see a picture, I hear a quote or see an interview that inspires me to keep moving forward with my dreams, or to not be discouraged by a temporary situation. And music, well that’s a whole other story. Some Jill Scott or India.Aire get me going in the morning.


So why am I able to find it, but others aren’t? I mean I am special, but no more special than the next person. It’s because I am open to it. Each day I look to be inspired, to be a better teacher, a better mother, a better friend. When I say look, I don’t mean search desperately (although sometimes it’s necessary). What I really mean is being OPEN. Knowing that I don’t always have to be the one to give myself a pep talk, or I don’t have to ask my mate for encouragement. If you allow your spirit to be open to it, it will come in whatever form it needs to. Simple enough.
Hopefully my blog serves as an inspiration to you.

Share where do you find your inspiration???

“Wake up in the morning and get out of bed, start making a mental list in my head, or all of the things that I am grateful for…”- India.Aire.

Reality Check

As cruise around in my 2005 ford focus, I sometimes find myself wishing I was sniffing a brand new car scent instead of Febreze. I sometimes wish I didn’t have to turn my music up loud so I don’t have to hear the roaring of my engine. When I look at the scratches and dents, or I “roll” up my window, I think, I want a new car! Do I need a new car? No! But I want a new car! Then I have to give myself a reality check. Truth is… life without car notes (after having one every year since I was 19) is sooo much better. Truth is… my car works perfectly fine. Truth is… when I take the time to vacuum it out, throw some Armor All on the dashboard, and ride through the car wash, my little baby will do just fine. So why do I have these moments? Simply because I get caught up in image, like many others. My ego takes over and temporarily I want to look like I feel. Status begins to trump common sense. But like I said, it’s temporary. I quickly return to my right frame of mind and realize that while I would look fly riding around in a 2012 whip, it doesn’t fit into my new life’s budget. I am just happy that I recognize it and am willing to live by it. Too many people I know choose to do the opposite. They stay in a new car they can’t afford or laced in labels while drowning in debt. All for what? To look good for other people who don’t help you pay your bills? This is what I have to remind myself when I want to follow that new boot trend or get the latest iPhone. What difference will it really make in my life???? The reality is it won’t. I may have a short-lived desire for it, but I have bigger and better long-term desires, and that is what I need to focus on. Creating more debt will not ultimately give me the life I want, but hard work, dedication, and investing will. As I continue to strive for all the visions on my vision board I know I will continue to have these moments and I will have to give myself a much-needed reality check. What are your thoughts?

New Years Eve Eve

Pretty much the whole last week of December I began reflecting; Asking did I really stick to my guns? Do what I set out to do? First let me say, not completely. Secondly, let me say that this year was still really big for me:

I graduated with a master's degree
got a $600 grant to edit Volume Two of Our Voices
 went down 1 1/2 pants sizes
published my memoir
put on the most successful Diva pageant ever
 started co-habitation for the first time since I was 21
 got certified as a Zumba instructor and actually made money 
 got close to some new wonderful females (which I wasn't really open to)
 spoke at colleges
met Susan Taylor
 discovered meditation
 read several self-improvement books
 traveled with my books
 went to Cali for the first time
 has an awesome tarot card reading
 performed in front of my biggest audience ever...
the list could probably go on longer.

This year I've truly grown, which is essential!
Now let's keep it real, I fell off the wagon. Yeah, I had a few occasions where I drank and over drank alcohol. I honestly allowed the stress of my life to become an excuse for having one too many when it was time to celebrate. At least twice I've done this.
Most people joke about not following through with resolutions, but I take it seriously. Towards the end some aspects got tough!
The last two months of my life have been hectic between running diva pageant rehearsals, promoting, teaching Zumba four times a week, being a mom, being a live-in girlfriend, a good friend, a mentor, and a full-time teacher, I allowed myself to fall back into some not so good eating habits. I slowly integrated fried food, take -out, and white carbs back into my diet. If it weren't for Zumba, I'm sure I would have gained back my weight; instead, I've maintained where I could have released. So in 2011, it's back to business, and learning strategies to cope with stress that doesn't lead to binge drinking and eating. I'll say it, that's what it is; no need to sugar-coat it. I know I haven't done what I am capable of in that department. It's not about weight either. I'm actually loving my body these days. It's about my commitment to myself and my health. But it's the end of a DECADE, and the start of a new one, so it's all good.
As a matter of fact, it's all the more reason to make some major changes happen. I'm taking the last ten years, all that I've learned, and soaring to the next level.
First on my list, get a literary agent. It's hard damn work trying to get people to notice your work alone. So this is my MAJOR goal for 2011; at least the first quarter. After that, national exposure!
Pretty much after that my goals haven't change much; or at least the essence of them.
I still want to take my career to the next level, beside just financially.
I've come to realize that I don't have to force myself to tell my family I love them as long as I show them in my own way. If I prefer to write it in a letter or card, that's just who I am, ( see I'm growing, accepting me. )
I will still challenge myself physically.
This year I do want to try new things, like water skiing or something; I want to get all I can out of life. I think that's what's most important. And I just want other people I care about to do the same. Happy New Year to Me, and have New Year to you!

P.S. I am also proud that I kept a planner all year. What a life saver!

The Right Amount of Sunshine

I am going to sell 6million copies worldwide of this book! I put it out there in the universe, and I know it is already happening. Through reaching my dream, I am going to inspire so many other girls (and boys) of color who grow up with the odds against them. They will know because they see me. We hear these stories all of the time about being making it from homeless to Hollywood, like Tyler Perry for instance. But sometimes it's hard to say "If he can do it, so can't I!" if he wasn't your neighbor and you didn't know him personally. I think that's why so many of us have such a hard time believing it's possible. I want my students to say, "OMG, Miss Toya really did it! She was not playing when she said she was going to blow up off her memoir!" It will be momentous because they have seen how hard I have worked, they know about the multiple jobs, and the extra time I put into making my dreams come true. Sometimes they still can't understand why I do things like mail my book to Wendy Williams, Oprah and Michelle Obama. They think they will either never get it, or never read. I tell them, BELIEVE, BELIEVE.

The Next Chapter

It's a truly amazing experience when your dreams start to come true! What was once an idea, is now a reality. After my graduation party and book signing, I read all of my cards and I really absorbed what they had to say. See, I'm so used to jumping, sometimes head first, from goal to the next, that I don't take the time to sit back, and enjoy the accomplishment. When it's all over I take time to reflect, but it's always on what's next. What will be my next challenge, and how will I meet it! It took me reading some of the congrats cards from family and friends that made me realize...I've done great things, and I shouldn't minimize it. Here I am, the self-proclaimed DIVA and Queen of Self-esteem, yet I look at my accomplishments as, "I did it, and a big deal, a lot of people do it." So while I'm proud, I just feel like sooo many others are capable of the same thing, that it never is a big deal. But again, the cards and the tears on my day from a couple of good friends helped me to see that even though many have accomplished what I have, and many ARE capable, so many more people don't do it. They are too afraid, busy making excuses, and blaming circumstances, they don't step out and leap. Why is that? I don't think it's fear of failure, I think it's fear of success. I know for me as soon as I get close to a dream before I touch it, I pause, and ask, "Is this for real? Is this really gonna happen...for ME?" Then I say, " Hell, yeah, because I worked hard for this, and I deserve it." But still, that quick pause is something I am struggling to stop doing. I cannot allow myself to question whether something I dream is really happening, because that's what it's all about.

The second part of it all is being an inspiration to others. We all have role models, and people we look up to, but what I've discovered recently, is that a lot more people see me as a tangible role model than I've thought. It's a surreal feeling because I know, that while I'm on my way to becoming the woman I want to be, I'm still not quite there yet. So to know that what I've done so far has influenced so many....well, a sista get kinda emotional. ( Shhh! Don't tell anybody)

So what's next for me? I want to promote the HELL out of my memoir. I want this book to be something that social services organizations, schools, and parents embrace and use as a tool for our young girls of color. I want to continue to grow as a person that I can fully live out my mission " to inspire others through poetry and stories, and through leading by example with courage, confidence, and integrity."

So what do you think? This blog is my journal, but you're more than welcome to comment. Peace Eternally, Brenda's Child

Yeah for me!

I know it's been a while since I've written, but that's because I've been so busy making life happen. Let's see, first, I'm still a wine drinker. I love being able to get a buzz, and still get up in the morning and go. So Grey Goose, sorry but you just can't give me that!
Secondly, I brought me a pair of Levi's size 8, just to make me focus a bit more on my goal, to help me put it out there in the atmosphere. Well, let me tell you, I slid them right on! Yes! I reached my goal. But to be honest, the little grin my stomach rolls make, have assured me that I still will have to work hard to get the body I desire. I know I'm on my way through, because I've gotten my Zumba certification and I am teaching it three times a week! Go Toya!
And next Sunday, I will have my graduate diploma in hand!!! This is something I am soooo proud of.
The love thing...still hard. I can write it in a card or a letter, but I have such a hard time verbally expressing it. I'll put a pat on my back myself for at least doing that more often, dropping notes to my loved ones. I have been doing that! As long as they know how important they are to me, I guess it really doesn't matter how I tell them. The "me" time has been getting easier and easier. I find that when I make time for myself, I am able to give just a little more to others, and I'm less on edge. At peace. So starting this week, I'm increasing my Yoga to twice a week ( Sundays). You know me, always challenging myself!

And lastly, but far more importantly, I have ordered my copies of my memoir, which I will be selling next Sunday at my "Celebration of Life" So part one of my goal is done; now comes the hard part... getting it out there. I'm slowly working on it. I've identified some independent bookstores to sell my books. I plan to go on tour this summer to promote it.

SIDEBAR: Don't you know I have some people still trying to block my Sunshine.? " a friend" expressed my their doubt in my book getting onto Oprah, and thinks I should think smaller! See this is that "ish" I'm talking about. Because people put limits on themselves, they gotta put them on me, too????

Anyway, lucky for me, I have gotten enough feedback from my performances to let me know that I am fulfilling my mission of inspiring folks. I've been doing a one-woman show called...you guessed it... "Wonderfully Imperfect and Full of Complexity" I've only done it three times, but each time it gets better and better. And the feedback I've been getting has been overwhelming, in a good way. People have told me, from all backgrounds and age groups that my story has touched them. I love to hear that because I believe that's why I'm here. Well until next time!

P.S. I quit my part time banquet job, a little less on my plate, and I decreased the youth activities because I'm realizing more and more that what I focus my attention on is what will manifest. My attention is on "The Right Amount of Sunshine!"