2018-- Challenge and Change

 People probably think that completing my Ph.D. was my greatest accomplishment in 2018- but it was not. When I started my Ph.D. journey in October of 2012, I had a one-year-old, a teenager, and I was engaged to be married. I had authored four books (my memoir, a novella, and two poetry collections). I was in amazing shape and after 7 years of working in one building, teaching 5 subjects, I was one year into a new position as an English Teacher in another building. I just knew I would be done in 4 to 5 years because I did everything quickly. I had finished my master’s degree in a little over a year.  I would work on my Ph.D. and plan a wedding at the same time. Besides, I had already chosen my bridesmaids and maids of honor. My dress was picked out, and by the time I got my degree, I would have a different last name.

 I survived my dissertation and almost six years in a full-time Ph.D. program, but so many other things in my life did not.

Less than a year into my program, I dismissed three members of my huge wedding party, including one maid of honor.  Some childhood friends were no longer a part of my life just like that.  A misunderstanding turned out to be the universe's way of eliminating people who were not meant to accompany me on the journey to the next level. Turns out, neither was my fiancée, because the wedding would never happen...my relationship did not survive my Ph.D. either.

Know what else did not survive my Ph.D.? My ovaries and my breasts. But because I got rid of them, I will!  Consequently, my fit figure did not survive. Between four surgeries and menopause, my body has been through it, and I have had to learn to love it all over again.

My love of performing poetry also did not survive. Although I have published two more poetry collections, another novella, two journals, and a children's book. I birthed a new dream-----motivational speaking. I will always be a poet, it was my first love, but two years into my journey, I realized that not only did I need to share my story in writing, but also through speaking. I am meant to share my healing so that others may heal.

Homeownership also did not survive my Ph.D. During all the changes that were taking place in my life, I realized that much of what I had done for the last 20 years had been because I was trying to prove others wrong. I was fighting stereotypes. That was my motivation when I went to college, the first and second time. It was the reason I prolonged both of my engagements when I knew it would not work. It was the major reason I bought a house before I was 30 years old. I did not want to be another poor black single mother living in low-income housing. I would show them (whoever they were). Everything I said I would do, I did, and I had become known for that.

The reality was, I hated home ownership. I hated the responsibility of lawn care, snow removal in New England, buying a hot water heater, paying $275-$300 every two weeks to heat an old home. But that was the American way, and homeownership is applauded and viewed as a sign of higher status. 
Well, in a month before I defended my dissertation, I made the decision to put my house on the market and start fresh by renting and not worrying about a damn thing.  My oldest son was an adult, things were not working with my tenant, and it was just me and my 7-year-old in a big spacy house. I was ready for a change, for freedom from something I never really wanted. Some people supported this, others thought I was making a huge mistake. The more I heard people’s opinions, the more I realized that it was time for me to unlearn the ideologies that had been forced upon me by society. 
Marriage would not make me happy if he was not meant for me. And not being married didn't make me any less of a woman. What was the point in owning a home if I felt I had no real peace when I got home?  I even started questioning why I even wanted my degree anymore (although I was in too deep to quit at that point).

So, what am I am most proud of at the end of 2018? Defining success and joy on my own terms and setting clear boundaries with people who try to force me to think or do otherwise. It is not easy, because people will guilt you, manipulate you, or try to make you feel less than for doing what is best for you. But in the end, if you cannot ignore the outside noise from others, you will never hear your inner voice, which is ultimately a higher power guiding you exactly where you need to be.  Although it had many challenges, I end 2018 full of gratitude, joy, and serenity. I wish you a Joyous New Year! Do you boo!

Let it Flow

For months I’ve been using Liquid Plumber and Draino in my shower because once  a week it would become slow to drain. Today, I decided to unscrew the drain and use one of those  long plastic drain cleaners ( I have no idea what they're called). First of all, as soon as I opened it I saw why nothing was going down. The clog was right under the surface, it wasn't even deep.  It was so disgusting, the amount of shampoo gunk, and build up that was underneath the service. As I put on a pair of plastic gloves to get down and dirty, I was apprehensive because I was afraid of what I might find, and God forbid have to touch. But  as I began pulling out more gunk  and goo(there wasn't really hair), I worked even more feverously. I was finally clearing this drain myself. Fast forward about 15 minutes, my shower drain was clean and completely clear. It was a beautiful sight, and I felt accomplished.

The clogged drain is a metaphor for life. We continuously go through it trying to find simple, temporary solutions to “fix” things when what we really need to is open up the drain and get to bottom of the mess. Dig deep, bit by bit pull of the gook that is blocking our hearts, minds, or spirits. Whether it’s relationships, finances, goals, trauma, or breaking bad habits, we have to attack the problem head on, do the work. Otherwise it will continue to resurface and you will find yourself standing in the murky waters of your own bullshit.

Good bye 2017

I have dreaded writing my final post this year, something I have never done before. Usually, I am excited to review all the wonderful things I have experienced and accomplished in 12 months, but 2017 was the most overwhelming year I have had in a long time. I mean it was so challenging, I allowed those difficulties to overshadow the good, take me out of my gratitude mindset. One was my hernia surgery, which I thought would happen in late winter or early spring, but instead, it was postponed, as was my recovery. In my mind I was going to have the surgery, heal up quickly, and be snatched, quite frankly. Instead, I am still slightly swollen in my abdomen and I have no ab muscles. Most of my summer was on bed rest.  Much like after previous surgeries, I know that in due time I will get my strength back, but still, it frustrating as hell.

Secondly, my number one goal of 2017 was complete my dissertation and finally become Dr. Boz.  Well, technically I did finish my dissertation. However, due to some changes within the school, approval on so many levels has been postponed, and there is nothing I can do except file a grievance and pay my costly tuition.  This has been devastating. They were things that happened within the immediate family that rattled me. Not to go into so many details, but there was another breast cancer diagnosis, my adult son moved back home, and my grandson’s mother did not care about him having a relationship with anyone on my side of the family. It breaks my heart into little pieces everyday that he lives so close by and I can count on my hands the number of times I have seen him. How do shape all of this nonsense into a lesson and shape it positively?

Here it goes:

 First, upon heavy meditation, I’ve been rushing all my life. Subconsciously, and somewhat consciously, I have always tried to beat the clock because my experience with the death of so many women in my family created fear about the brevity of life. I thought I had dealt with this, and come to terms with the fact that I have taken steps to extend my life and I will die an old lady. But this year I have realized I have not. I let the idea that I must rush and get things done, accomplish goals before it is too late. The crazy thing is, I only rush to cross items off a list. I don’t bask in my accomplishments, or focus on experiences instead of just accomplishments. Because of this, two of my major changes for 2018 will be:

A.      To have more fun! To live honey! More experiences and traveling

This year I

B.      Celebrate Every F**king Thing. Because I honestly do not celebrate myself enough. The Queen of Self-esteem doesn’t celebrate all she’s overcome!  I have been going and going so long that I am no longer mindful of just how amazing it is.

C.        

1.       I finished my dissertation. I did. I finished 5 long ass Chapters. A year of literal sweat and tears (no blood.)

2.       I created  #SistasAre Dope journal and T-shirt

3.       Published my first Children’ s book

4.       Gave a kickass commencement speech

5.       Graduated from a leadership program

6.       Inspired crowds with spoken word  and got paid for it

Not bad. Not bad at all. And the crazy thing is, I really didn’t take the time to pat myself on the back.

 And you know what else was awesome about this year?

1.       The breast cancer diagnosis meant involved no chemo and was a stage 0. She is cancer free

2.       I was there when my grandson was born and watch him for his first few minutes of life. I got to see my son, become a father.

3.       I was there to see people I love in awards, like my father and my sista friend

4.       I attended the New York red carpet movie premiere of my sista friend

5.       I switched to a position at work that is way less stressful, and I have a better leader

6.       I had the support of family and friends through the dissertation writing, the recovery from surgery and at my book release

7.       I did an amazing professional photo shoot

8.       Welcomed a baby girl in the family whose life I will be a part of

9.       Tried 3 new activities

10. I have discovered estrogen in hormone replacement therapy

2017 wasn't so horrible in hindsight. It just forced me to face some things I had pushed deep down, and it is preparing me to reap (and enjoy) the rewards of my hard work. 2018, I will work smarter not harder because there is some fun not be had!

Going through it to Get to it

I am tremendously elated to be on the other end of a very

difficult transitional season in my life.

In the last two years I have:

• had my ovaries removed =(adjusting to menopause) 

• had a double mastectomy with full reconstruction

      =(multiple surgeries and body image issues to follow)

• ended an 8 year relationship to the man I lived with and thought I would marry =(adjusting to single life physically, emotionally & financially)

• started a 9 month leadership program (more work, meetings and deadlines)

•   finished my doctoral course work (which meant starting a dissertation).

      That’s a lot right? Well, wait…there’s more.

 

The first half of 2017 was all about:

•  waiting for the arrival of my first grandchild (he came April 3rd),

•  finishing the leadership program (I graduate June 14^th.) 

• completing my dissertation (by the end of summer… FINALLY),

•  and most importantly, after a year and a half of living in pain and discomfort. I have my last surgery date scheduled for July 7.

I was in limbo for so long, it feels amazing to finally have

some closure. Although there will still be some challenges,

physically, emotionally and mentally… I see the light at the

end of the tunnel. It’s bright as hell and I am relieved,

delighted and excited. 

Fake love, No Love

 I forgot all about the Billboard awards  on TV, but it was no coincidence that as soon as turned the channel Drake was accepting his first award of the night. He spoke about a so called “friend” who didn’t support him because the "friend" felt that he got enough love from other people. Immediately I could relate. I've had people not compliment me because I already know I’m cute, people not support me they figure everyone else is, or because they don’t want me my head to get bigger. I have several responses for this type of nonsense. Firstly, there are only a few people’s opinions that matter to me, so chances are a compliment or a throw of shade will not affect my high ass level of self-esteem. This is not a front, I know I’m fabulous! Secondly, because soooo many other people support me, you can’t? Really? True friends support regardless of who doesn’t. Thirdly, why don’t you admit that this isn’t about me, or the “so many” other people who support me, it’s you being a straight HATER.   Maybe it’s not necessarily that you want to be me, but you want to be LIKE me, out here loving me and chasing my dreams. And since you can’t love yourself, how can you possibly love me correctly? You can’t, so float on.

Yes, it would be that easy for me because the older I get the less tolerance I have for people who aren’t authentic and who are so caught up in their own insecurities it distracts them from living their lives to the fullest, and having healthy relationships. And furthermore, it’s exhausting always having to carry people and all their baggage. No ma’am, not in 2017. Not anymore, not ever.

Complacency Kills

I would say that nothing bothers me than when people complain about a situation but never do anything about. The fact is if you really want change, no amount of complaining or prayer for that matter will change anything if you do not take action of some sort. I don’t care if it’s an unhappy marriage, or a job you hate, your housing situation…if you are an able adult then you have the power to change it. Even if it’s not at the pace you desire change is possible. Waiting for the right time will have you waiting forever.  Just one small action will send a message to the universe that you indeed are ready for whatever it is you want. And once the universe knows you are serious about your intentions and being intentional than it will collaborate with you. It’s just that simple. Stop complaining and waiting for one day because one day will be your last day. Life is far to brief not try new things, go for what want, be with whom you want. In the immortal words of Jay-z… What the hell are you waiting for? 

Magic

There is something magical about walking in your purpose. Equally it’s disconcerting and chaotic when you are not walking in your purpose. For some reason there is this notion that those who are successful, (happy, doing what they love and getting paid for it ) are lucky or special. Truth is, we are all special. What distinguishes those of us who appear to have these fulfilling lives and those who are miserable and lost is …purpose.
 Since I was little I also wanted to perform and at 8  I  declared that I would be an author. I am an artist in its truest form. But when I was 20 years old  it all clicked for me when I got my first job at a community center. I quickly found what I was meant to do and that is to inspire and motivate others, in particular youth and women. I know this because even when I’m exhausted, put me  in room of teens or women and I come alive. And don’t let me have a stage, because then it’s on! 
Almost 20 years later, I’m at the threshold of 40, and I’ve come to realize that I am supposed use my art and my stage presence as a tool to reach those souls that truly need me. It’s this kind of clarity that guides me daily in my thought and actions. Though this work can be emotionally daunting, I take my responsibility seriously. That’s right, your purpose is your responsibility, it is why you are here. When you don’t understand the why, then it is impossible get to a how, or when or where. I see it all the time, people who bounce from job to job, school to school, certificate to certificate just to be doing something. That’s cool if you are happy, but if you find yourself feeling lost and unsure, it’s time to  make some changes.  Sure, it’s definitely easier said than done; shoot, I stumbled upon my purpose. It found me when I wasn’t even looking. But if you are looking, searching for that one thing, let me assure you won’t find it in a romantic relationship (that’s another post, on another day). But here are a few tips to get you headed in the right direction:

1.       Identify what you are good at doing.

 What ability or talent are you totally confident about? It you’re not sure, ask the people who care about you. Sometimes you are adept at things you may not even be aware of. Make a list.

2.       Identify what gives you pleasure and joy. 

Maybe you enjoy being alone, or in a room full of people. Perhaps you find happiness in what others may see as chores.  What gives you the tingles?

3.       Be open to new experiences.

 Anytime there’s an opportunity presents itself to go some  place you’ve never been or learn a new skill, take it. Even if it doesn’t become your career or you don’t discover your purpose, you may meet someone who will a guide for you on journey to find your purpose.

Number 4 is not a necessity because I believe purpose does not equal day job. But if you can:

 Find a way to generate income from whatever it is you love to do.  In today’s world if the position doesn’t exist, you can create it yourself.

 

What are you waiting for?  Go find your magic!

The Not So Hidden Messages in Hidden Figures

After clapping and crying, being angry,excited and enamoured in a span of 2 hours, I ultimately left the movie theatre feeling inspired and uplifted. The empowering  messages I received from each amazing portrayal of NASA’s African-American human computers in Hidden Figures  were loud, clear and necessary as hell:

1.       Katherine Johnson (played by Taraji P.Henson),  the gifted mathematician, when told no,  refused to accept it as an answer. She was the ultimate example of  "leaning in." When you are capable and talented, don’t back down.  And when they try to shut you up, let your brilliance speak for itself; in other words,  I can show you better than I can tell you. By doing so she went from being ignored to becoming indispensable.

2.       Dorothy Vaughn (played by Octavia Spencer)  took self-determination to another level. Not only did she take the initiative to teach herself about the the first computers, she mastered them, and then taught her  fellow  Black women how to use them as well. In doing so, she too made herself indispensable. More importantly, she pulled her sistas up with her.  Now that is bad assery.

3.       Mary Jackson (played fabulously by Janelle Monae )was intelligent and fiery. Being a woman with high aspirations is tough in 2017, I could only imagine how difficult it was in 1961! With the gender roles issues, work/life balance and every kind of ism  black women are up against today,  it's nothing compared what she experienced and under far more extreme conditions. But it served as a reminder to us all that you cannot let other’s  fears, misconceptions and judgments veer you off track, whether they be institutions or people.  In her story, I saw that somebody has to be the first, why not  me? Why not you?

This movie was just the nudge  I needed to push me me off the cliff of 2016 and into flight of 2017.I’m about to soar... and I'm taking my sistas with me! Thank you ladies, messages received.

 "If they don't give you a seat at the table, bring a folding chair." 

                              - Shirley Chisholm

Ok..So I'm still talking about My surgery!

Every time I deal with something that tests my patience, I think, this is it. This is my final exercise in patience. And it never is. Well  I can honestly say that recovery is truly a journey of patience. As I began to feel better and look better, I wanted to do so much more.  6 weeks after surgery I walked 3 miles for Breast cancer awareness and I felt great!

Me with my toddler right by side. I wore my compression belt and yes my face was pale from anemia

That was one of the many up and down moments. Down times like hating the feel of the compression belt, but loving it after trying to clean the house without. It was my comfort and my anguish. This was the same with the sports bra. My mind wanted to wear a nice underwire bra, but my body (and the doc) said hell no! Then there was the body dysmorphia. With so much going on physically, like that tingly  achy feeling in my foobs, who has time to be concerned with them being perky  and having  a flat tummy? Leggings have also offered a solace that jeans or pants with buttons couldn’t offer. My wardrobe was limited.  I was more self-conscious than ever with nipples foobs, great abs, an 18 inch scar, and pale skin my energy was limited. Every time the visiting nurse came my pulse was extra high, like 108. Apparently normal resting is between 60 and 100. Turns out I was anemic from losing so much blood during the surgery, nothing steak and eggs couldn’t handle.  What was most daunting was awaiting for that moment where I would be 100% (which by the way, still hasn’t happened yet).  Whenever I was about to hop on my pity train, I’d write on a pink slip something I was grateful for and put it in a jar one of my good friends got me.  It kept me focused to think about small things like, finally being able to bend over and pick up something off the floor, or to put a shirt of over my head. My awesome visiting nurse would remind me constantly that this was a journey and it would take more than 6 to 8 weeks for me to truly heal. I was forced to listen to my body, to sleep on demand, to eat on demand (apparently you can sometimes become ravenous as your body uses its energy to heal).

                 But then I returned to work, and I once again I had to adjust. No more sleeping when I ready, resting when I was ready. I was back and there was work to be done…lots. Teachers don’t sit behind a desk! We stand and walk (about 3 to 4 miles a day… I wore a pedometer just to test), we speak a lot and loudly (which requires oxygen).  We get excited, angry, and disheartened, sometimes all in one class period. And because you “look good” people think you are 100% both at home and at work! So it’s back to housework, and mommy work, and errands and and and  and.  AND…I’m still healing. Sometimes I get achy, some nights I return to my couch for a better night’s sleep. Sometimes I have to opt for my chaise lounge over attending social events (which really sucks). Or, and this just happened last week, I can return to boot camp and kick ass only to have awful, extraordinary soreness and pain two days later.  It’s times like these that I can quickly spiral into a funk. Especially knowing I’ll have to go one more surgery right after Christmas. Thankfully, most times I am able to pull myself out of this negative space. I have to remind myself, this is a choice. Always, a choice I had that other women in my family didn’t. With that being said, let the countdown to FIPPLES begin! And another lesson in patience as well.

The Mixed Feelings of Motherhood

            There’s something so bittersweet about the anticipation of my first born’s graduation from high school. I've been reflecting so much lately. I remember thinking,  "I just have to get him out of high school and I’m good”. But looking at him on the verge of 18, I start to think:  it’s not enough, but it will have to be enough.  In a couple of month’s, he will be a legal adult, able to make his own decisions. And while I can offer my opinion and give my unsolicited advice, in the end, it’s his choice, his life. That is hard for me because he’s been my baby for so long.

            Since the day I found out I was pregnant with him,  most of my life’s big decisions have been centered on what would be best for him. I changed my major, trading the unstable writing world for a more secure career in social services; I bought a house an adjacent town from where I grew up, so my son could be away from gangs and street violence; I pursued my dreams, not just for me, but so that he could see it could be done.  I worked two jobs so he would not want for anything; I took him with me when I worked with those were less fortunate so he could appreciate what he had. Most people look at him and think I've done a pretty decent job, me and my village of course. But lately, I've felt a sense of resentment towards his father resurfacing that I had long vanished.

            While trying to get my master’s degree and working 2 jobs, and struggling with my new home ownership responsibilities, I became frustrated that he had not been leading by example, or spending quality time, or providing financially since we broke up when my son was three. It took until my son was 11 to begin to let it go, forgive. But still, every now and then when I gave my son my last 10 bucks for lunch money, or if I saw his father in a brand new coat, or heard about him having another child, I became incensed. My son was his first child, and he was 21 with a high school diploma and an able mind and body when my baby was born, but he chose street life over being a present parent.  So I’d get upset, then I’d get over it because that’s what mothers do. As my son became more dependent and older, I had to deal with his fatherless, so the resentment became dormant. Besides, I had my father, who was doing more than his share to help raise him.

  Now that this momentous event is upon us, I feel that resentment brewing again. Why? Because now I have another son, a toddler, and because his father is present, I get to be the soft, nurturing mommy. Daddy can be the stern baritone voice, and mommy can be… mommy.  I was once that way with my older son, but then when the realities of the world set in, when I saw my boy growing into a Black man, an endangered species in America, fear crept in. I had to be tough, I had to be on his back. I had to teach him about sex, how to behave if pulled over by the police, model work ethic, school him about the streets; I had to be the crazy mom to show up if he wasn't where he was supposed to be. I feel like I was robbed of being the pushover mom... the sweet mom I wanted to be because his father didn't step up. 

Now he will be there on graduation day, and at the party, and I honestly have mixed feelings about it. On one hand, that is his father, and I've never discouraged their relationship, despite my feelings.  On the other hand, he will get to celebrate something he had NO PART in making happen. And that has me feeling… “Some type of way.”  But I guess I’ll get over, because that’s just what mothers do.

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow

Yesterday I didn't get up when my alarm clock went off, so I lost 20 to 25 minutes of preparation, including breakfast.  It was snowing outside and the ride to work was long and treacherous. My teenage son was defending his failure to do chores through text messages. my toddler had been up all night complaining if growing pains. So I had McDonald’s and drank coffee, and Diet Coke and Pepsi (I know so bad). And I ordered a pastrami grinder with potato chips for lunch, just because I knew it would feel good. All to stay awake so I could work on my research (through my lunch and my break) so I can get one step closer to becoming Dr.Boz.  By the end of the day, I’d run out of steam. I mean I was too tired to even drink my Thursday night glass of Cabernet. On top of that, I had a headache and cramps, and it was cold outside. I was exhausted and cranky. But I was supposed to continue working on my writing which is due in a week. Instead, I decided to change into my sweats, take two ibuprofen, and drink tons and tons of water, and some decaf green tea.  I whipped up some quick chili for the family then I turned the lights down low, got lost in some mindless “reality” TV. When I got sleepy, I went to sleep. Robert Roberts once said that her mother told her,  "When you are having a bad day, just go to bed." I told myself that if I slept well tonight I would have more energy to keep fight tomorrow. 

Robin's mother was right. I was right. I woke this morning, made my eggs, and a healthy, vitamin-filled shake with almond milk for lunch.  I felt energized and yes, ready to finish that work. I feel so good that I had to write this post to share my take away from the last 24 hours.

 First, sometimes you just have to stop and take a break from whatever it is to rejuvenate, clear your head. Balance will be restored naturally. I ate horribly yesterday and drank horribly, but today I’m craving good stuff. My attitude was horrible, not just because of PMS, but also because I was frustrated with the challenges I was facing. When I get overwhelmed, I become a bit snappy, I become lethargic. Secondly, I was reminded that everything is temporary. The fact is I will have some major writing to do this weekend, but next Friday, I will be done. Sometimes we have to focus on the end result instead of dwelling on the struggle. When you are sinking you have to put your energy into swimming to land, not into the thoughts of drowning. #ICanDoThis

The Only Opinion That Counts

How many times have you asked someone which dress or shoes to wear, only to pick the opposite of what they choose? It’s not that we don’t trust our friends’ choices; it’s that we don’t trust our choices.  This means we lack the confidence to follow our own instincts, and our knowledge of common sense. We’ve all done it at one point in our lives, and while choosing short hair or long hair will not usually lead to catastrophic consequences, there are times when indecisiveness can hold us back.  

            In October of 2012 I began my PHD studies at an online university. I told myself that I’d take two years off after I completed my Master’s before I went back. Then I had a baby in the interim; for the longest time I went back and forth with when would be a good time since life had thrown me some surprises. Well, after speaking to the admissions counselor for the second time in a year, I was seriously feeling like I should take on this next challenge. Still, I asked other people, many of whom only reminded me about the arduous journey that would lie ahead. Now I was second guessing myself; I thought about maybe putting it off for another year, or two.

            I completed the application with enthusiasm, but even after getting accepted, I procrastinated when it came to filling out for financial aid. Once I received my award letter, I found myself stalling again to press the ACCEPT button. It was only after I heard that lovely inner voice of mine scream loudly, “What are waiting for? Do it!”  It was then that I finally felt comfortable with my decision, and the consequences and rewards that would come with it. Two years later, my coursework is done. 

            The funny thing is, I knew all along that this was my dream and I wanted it. I found that when I go with my gut on the bigger choices, it generally tends to work to my advantage. That’s not to say that I don’t think critically; I’m just realizing that over thinking can have far worse results sometimes than acting impulsively. What is the lesson in all of this?  Be decisive…YOU KNOW BEST WHEN IT COMES TO YOU!

Purpose is Priceless

I sat up this past Wednesday night until 1:30 am (Thursday Morning) perfecting my PowerPoint presentation for the CHD Through Her Eyes Annual Conference. My third cup of coffee for the day was at 10:30pm. For a moment a voice in my head begin to complain, asking...Why are you doing this, it’s not like you are getting paid to be presenter? Yet this is the third year in a row you’re presenting? 

Then the other voice, the inner voice which knows me best said…It’s because you love what you do! It’s because you a have a gift and it’s only right you share it with others who work with young girls so they can be their best. You get so much, you have to give back. So I finished my pumpkin spice coffee and 3 hours later went to bed exhausted, but wired. Not from the coffee but from the anticipation I felt thinking about my workshop.  

                When I awoke 5 hours later, I had already learned a lesson, or should I say I was reminded of several: It’s not work when you do what you love! Nothing is handed to you, you want it be prepared to work for it!  When you want to give up, push harder, the finish line is right there!  As cliché as all these sound, all of these slogans were running through my mind.

            After facilitating my morning workshop “Defining Me” and performing spoken word at lunchtime, I felt I deserved some chocolate. When I whispered to my friend, she insisted I wait. In a room of at least 500 people, I’m thinking no one will miss me if I slip out and get a milk chocolate fix, but I agreed to stay. Well, it’s a good thing did, because five minutes later, I was called on the receive the EYES OF COURAGE award. Typically, people are aware they are receiving this and have time to prepare a speech. I, on the other hand, was completed clueless that I was a recipient this year. As my eyes teared up, it felt out of body to hear my bio read, to hear of my accomplishments, my qualifications, and most importantly my life’s mission. I was actually speechless. This has only occurred three times in life. This award means the world to me because I had a tough week, heck, a tough month dealing with some of the teen’s and their baggage.  This was like a gigantic road sign that says keep going, you are headed in the right direction. It was confirmation once again that I was living in my purpose and I am thankful for that. 

Harvest Time

 I wrote this last year for  Lioness Magazine but  it is a great refresher: 

When the foliage begins to brighten and days grow shorter it’s an optimal time to regroup and reflect on your accomplishments; the fruits of labor. As you sip on your pumpkin spice beverage of choice, its prime time to examine how the seeds you planted have blossomed into accomplishments. October is not crunch time; is it the month when you realize you've got 90 days to lose 10 of the 15 pounds you promised to shed back on January 1^st.   Instead, it is time to relish in the successes of the year both great and small.  After all, there is no sense in watering and nurturing a dream if you don’t take the time to enjoy the beauty in it. Take a half hour and write the first things that come to mind, like upgrading your traditional coffeemaker to a Keurig, or not hitting the snooze button three days a week.  Be proud of any move you've made toward your personal, spiritual and financial growth.  As your list grows, and it will, you may suddenly find yourself feeling as invigorated as the autumn breeze. This new found energy will set the tone for you to plan ahead for another year of excellence. Happy autumn!

Green and Growing

I think the worst thing we can do to ourselves is to stop growing. I mean in every capacity… professionally, spiritually, personally. Yet people constantly do it. They settle in at a job because it pays the bills but never do they try to discover their true purpose. OR they follow the same bible and same God their mother did without trying to find meaning in it themselves. OR they have the mentality that they are who they are and nobody can change. They are right, no one can change it but themselves. People really don’t know what true happiness they are missing out on by remaining stagnant. You constantly have to grow, or like plants, you stop being beautiful, wither and die. Everything that happens to us or that we MAKE happen helps us to grow. But we have to seek ways in which to do so.

I was raised Christian, my grandmother slept with a bible underneath her pillow and prayed every night, so I prayed every night. When the bible was quoted, I believed it. But as I grew older I realized spirituality was much more than that, I learned about energy and mindfulness. I still believe in a higher power, but I also believe in my personal power.  I  read and talk to people of sustenance for my personal growth and I challenge myself in all areas, not for rewards and accolades, but because I am able to learn from whatever risks I take. It is through this growth I’ve developed a sense of personal awareness that many people lack. They don’t really know who they are, or what they believe. They can’t recognize when they are overcompensating or envious. Through learning and new experiences we can then self-reflect, and when you know better….you do better. It’s spring, flowers are in full bloom, shouldn’t you be too?

                                                    painting by Shanna Melton

No more guilt!

So it was much to my disappointment last night that I was amped up for about an hour to go somewhere. Then reality set in. I was exhausted and dozing off on a Saturday night at 10:30. I couldn’t even finish the lifetime movie I had started. Reluctantly, I surrendered. But even I as lay in bed I had to reason with and remind myself that I needed to listen to my body, which was screaming it was tired. Tired from working out strenuously for 4 days in the week; from being on my feet ( even if they are mostly flats) pacing back and forth as a teacher, tired from running after a 1 1/2-year-old, tired from traveling to rehearse for an upcoming play, tired of typing! Not only was my body drained, but my mind also needed to rest. During the week I’m up at 5:45am and I’m in bed by 11 or 12 at night. The only time I truly relaxing during those hours is when I sit on the couch with my baby while he dozes off on the arm of the chair. So I had to once again remind myself to keep my eyes on the prize. I kick ass during the week to make my dreams come true, to be the best teacher I can be, to keep myself healthy, and take care of my family. I have to rely on QUALITY time instead of quantity when it comes to the household. Therefore when the WEEKENDS…. So does my running around and being outside of my home. My Saturday and Sunday ( unless of course, I have an event) are dedicated to my the home front.  So if you don’t see much, this is why, and I am okay with it ( Most times ;)   EVERY NOW AND THEN I HAVE TO REMIND MYSELF THAT IF I WANT MY LIFE TO BE DIFFERENT I HAVE TO DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY.

Boss??????

Lately, I’ve been hearing and seeing a lot of females refer to themselves as bosses. Boss lady, boss bitch, boss whatever. This is one bandwagon I just can’t jump on, for several reasons. First, because there are many who use the term and don’t necessarily live by it. You may have red bottom shoes, a hot car, jewelry, trips, fine dining, know some celebrities, etc.  But are you really the BOSS of your own destiny? Are you in control of your life or just floating through life? Madame CJ Walker was boss! Mary McLeod Bethune was a Boss! Those are the standards which I would hold myself to if I were to use the title. They left legacies, they empowered their sisters.  Secondly, I have nothing to prove. I don’t need to label myself as someone in a position of power, I live by it. I see every day the influence I can have over my children, my students, my mentees, just by doing what I do: setting goals, reaching them, helping others to do the same, living with integrity. Thirdly, and most importantly, even if you are an entrepreneur, businesswoman, or store owner, it’s just a title. Which goes back to number one and number two; no amount of money or status will make you a boss. Who are you uplifting for the sake of uplifting, and not just for personal, financial, political gain? In the end, it’s not about power, it’s about EMPOWERMENT. So shout out to the “Boss” whatever. Me I’ll just be Brenda’s Child.

Madame CJ Walker

Mary McLeod Bethune

No Limits for 2013

Wow, it's been exactly 4 months since my last post. Were you waiting anxiously for me? Probably not, but that's cool. Honestly, this blog is for my sanity, but I do share it because I hope that someone can relate and become inspired.

So, of course, I've been going full steam ahead.
 As I like to to at the end of every year, I'm reflecting on the things I've accomplished :

I enrolled full time in a Ph.D. program


I was a presenter for a large conference for people who work with incarcerated teen girls


I am at my most energetic and strongest body weight (not my lightest but my most powerful)


I rode a rodeo bull ( in public)

I hosted the largest attended Gifted Diva Showcase I have in 8 years


 I finally made it to the Harlem Book Fair as an author

I officially filed my youth program as a nonprofit

I helped to establish an entertainment business 

I published the bonus edition of my novella ( something I'd been putting off forever)




I completed Rugged Maniac 5k obstacle course!!!


I've continued to be a go-getter and I love the feeling and the rewards that coming with reaching my goals.


As I prepare for the new year, I will continue to work on being my best self and inspiring other people to do the same. My focus is on my studies, my health and fitness, and my art. I also want to do more fitness challenges, and more adrenaline infusing activities. I want to be sure I maintain that zest for life and to continue to grow as a person. Those are my goals!