Dance with My Mother

I’d be dishonest with the world and myself if I didn’t admit that occasionally I feel a sense of envy and hurt when I see the relationship some of my closest friends have with their mothers. They party together, gamble to together, or live across the street from each other. I can’t help but think that if my mother was alive, she’d dance with me at family parties; I’ve been told all my life that she could cut a mean rug!

Sometimes I wish that I could crawl up in the bed with her like I did when I was three and be vulnerable with her. I’m come along accepting this loss, using my poetry to deal with my emotions, honoring her with my pen name and a tattoo, and having a zest for life so I can live for both of us. Anyone who knows me, knows that I believe in spirit and that much like water, we humans only change form, but our spirits, our energy never really dies. I know her spirit is present, and I get little signs every now and then, but sometimes I just want that physical presence, arms to hold, neck to smell in an embrace. I even get the bigger picture, I wouldn’t be who I am if I hadn’t suffered the loss.  I wouldn’t have ever picked up a pen to process my feelings and written words that I can truly say have inspired others to write, reflect, or do better. I wouldn’t be the type of teacher or mentor who is on call 24/7 for babies. I wouldn’t have this relentless desire to inspire women and teens to take power over their futures instead of being consumed by the past. I know her time was limited, and her purpose was fulfilled in those 23 years (according to two different mediums and my own intuition), but sometimes it doesn’t make it any easier, and sometimes I become overwhelmed with emotions and tears fill up my eyes and I let out a broken cry. This is the reality. I never want to sound ungrateful, I’ve been more than blessed with an enormous family, surrounded by love and mother like figures, something I’m sure other people wish they had.  The older I get the more I come to understand the bigger picture, which is why 90% of the time, I can tell my story to a crowd without even a lump in my throat, but other times, l find myself wondering what would certain moments be like if she was physically there instead of just mentally. 

My mother, looking exhausted after giving me a bath

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow

Yesterday I didn't get up when my alarm clock went off, so I lost 20 to 25 minutes of preparation, including breakfast.  It was snowing outside and the ride to work was long and treacherous. My teenage son was defending his failure to do chores through text messages. my toddler had been up all night complaining if growing pains. So I had McDonald’s and drank coffee, and Diet Coke and Pepsi (I know so bad). And I ordered a pastrami grinder with potato chips for lunch, just because I knew it would feel good. All to stay awake so I could work on my research (through my lunch and my break) so I can get one step closer to becoming Dr.Boz.  By the end of the day, I’d run out of steam. I mean I was too tired to even drink my Thursday night glass of Cabernet. On top of that, I had a headache and cramps, and it was cold outside. I was exhausted and cranky. But I was supposed to continue working on my writing which is due in a week. Instead, I decided to change into my sweats, take two ibuprofen, and drink tons and tons of water, and some decaf green tea.  I whipped up some quick chili for the family then I turned the lights down low, got lost in some mindless “reality” TV. When I got sleepy, I went to sleep. Robert Roberts once said that her mother told her,  "When you are having a bad day, just go to bed." I told myself that if I slept well tonight I would have more energy to keep fight tomorrow. 

Robin's mother was right. I was right. I woke this morning, made my eggs, and a healthy, vitamin-filled shake with almond milk for lunch.  I felt energized and yes, ready to finish that work. I feel so good that I had to write this post to share my take away from the last 24 hours.

 First, sometimes you just have to stop and take a break from whatever it is to rejuvenate, clear your head. Balance will be restored naturally. I ate horribly yesterday and drank horribly, but today I’m craving good stuff. My attitude was horrible, not just because of PMS, but also because I was frustrated with the challenges I was facing. When I get overwhelmed, I become a bit snappy, I become lethargic. Secondly, I was reminded that everything is temporary. The fact is I will have some major writing to do this weekend, but next Friday, I will be done. Sometimes we have to focus on the end result instead of dwelling on the struggle. When you are sinking you have to put your energy into swimming to land, not into the thoughts of drowning. #ICanDoThis

Preparation

              I know I am 3 months over due, but happy New Year!

 Like I write in my new book, every day is new start! And my year has been off to a great start. Opportunity has not only been knocking on my door, but it’s been barging in and I am loving it. You know why? Because I’m constantly in a state of preparation and I rarely say no when someone presents an opportunity. One day a couple of weeks ago at  2:00 in the afternoon I got an email asking me to show up at a studio to record for 4. I showed up on time wearing one of my branding t-shirts and was ready to recite my poem for the camera. It’s moments like that fuel me when I’m feeling burned out or like things aren’t moving as quickly as I’d  wish.

            Not only is preparation key, but opportunity only comes where it’s welcomed. By this I mean, your attitude. So many people walk around full of misery and expecting the worst. Not me, I know I am meant for great things, and I appreciate the greatness that has already occurred. And if ever for a moment I forget to be an optimist and expecting, there’s always a reminder, and it’s never subtle (because the universe knows I don’t work like that.). Yesterday morning my sleep was interrupted by a televangelist, who I would never watch when awake. But his message was what I needed to hear, which is that you have to wake up EXPECTING and just how much power it releases when you do so. It woke me up and got me right back to work because this year, I’m definitely EXPECTING big things? What about you, what are you expecting?

Knowing You

One thing about me that I am appreciating more and more is my self-awareness. Not everyone is there yet. Even when I’m being an A$$hole, I know why. I know when I’ve had too much and I need a break. I am able to listen to the signals my body sends me to let me know it’s time to detox, or it’s time to stop what I’m doing immediately and rest. I know who I am and feel no need to impress people with false appearances and images. When I get dressed I wear what I think feels good and looks good without regard to anyone. ( I love my man, but at the end of the day it’s not to  impress him).I don’t hang around people just because I think they make me look better. I don’t glamorize my position at work or in society.  I know my angles when I get my picture taken, and I know I love to have it taken.  I do 5 hours a week of exercise because I want to look a particular way for me, not because my BMI says I’m overweight. I can admit when I am afraid or when my feelings are hurt. I know when I’m being an emotional eater, or unreasonable. When work emotionally drains me I am conscience that there are better solutions than wine, but that sometimes those other things won’t work as quickly. I despise feeling vulnerable because of some childhood incidents.  I recognize that I feel sad on particular holidays, and I am very in tune to what excites me and discourages me. I know that I love to be inspired as much as I like to inspire others. Why do I say this? Because more and more I’m seeing people who don’t realize that they are unknowingly obsessed with food, ruled by their ego, always looking for validation,  looking for a father figure in a man, hating on others, or just plain lost. I get it in teenagers, but in adults, it irks me. I know we all have issues and everyone deals with them differently (writing has been my salvation) but every now and then I get frustrated. Lately, though, I have actually been feeling blessed and lucky that I am where I am. There was a time that I didn’t get it. Now I do. Being self-aware allows me to step back and look at situations differently. It allows me to understand the behavior of others and empathize, sometimes sympathize. It allows me to plan accordingly and to make more informed decisions. I think people really need to take more time and get to know themselves on a deeper level. It makes life so much more manageable because you do less dumb stuff (I can’t articulate it any better) and you question why less often. Next week I am on vacation from work and while yes, I’ll be hustling as usual, I will continue to make time to listen to my inner self and make sure she is getting all she needs.

Meditation

So...last week marked the start of a new school year and the first week of training for teachers. To my surprise and delight, the training was on meditation. That's right, they wanted us, teachers, to learn how to "BREATHE" and teach our students to do so. Of course, we had some closed- minded teachers who refused to "BREATHE" with us, and some who felt it conflicted with religion, but I was all for it. If you've read my previous blogs, you know that this year has been all about me taking time to be still and really listen to my spirit. What tickled me was that science is finally catching on to the ancient concept and now we teachers are being taught to use it as a tool to improve learning and behavior. While some of it was a review for me, I was still reminded of its benefits. It is nothing like starting the morning out with a purpose and a focus of how you want your day to go. I remember once I asked myself  "What do you really want?" before going into meditation, and I literally heard my spirit, not my mind ( I hear that chatter all of the time) it shouted "I wanna write full time" Since then I've been filled with energy that pushes me to go for what I really want. I still want to do a lot in life, and I will, but since I was 8, I've wanted to write, and I allowed society, and doubters to push me into something more realistic. But now I'm so focused that I KNOW it will be. What about you? What do u REALLY WANT? If the answer is " I don't know" turn off all of the literal and mental noise and listen to your inner self.