Woman Circle

If you know me, then you know I suffered loss at an early age. In the past I felt deprived times two for losing my mother at 4 and my grandmother at 13. But the older I get, and the more self-reflective I become, I realize that through some sort of divine design, I had the opportunity to be molded by numerous beautiful, powerful, loving Black women, a few who have been completely pivotal.

My Ga-Ga

Who I write about extensively in my memoir, planted the seed of self-esteem in me by making me feel everything I did was wonderful. Her love and nurturing built the foundation for the Queen of Self-esteem.

 My paternal grandmother

When I used to spend the night at her house she was hardly there at night. She was hanging with her friends. She was out doing her thing. You know why, because she had raised her 8 kids. In my grandmother I learned that there is no honor in self-sacrificing and that as a mother who took care of everyone else, there was nothing wrong in taking me time. Yasssss!  

My maternal aunts

My aunt Gloria

  The image that will never leave my head is of playing outside and seeing her come walking down the street in a business suit and sneakers with her shoes in a bag. I thought it was fabulous, she was career woman, a mom and a wife.  That image of her found its way in my subconscious. I could do it all if I wanted.

My aunt Saundra

 She was the original Carrie from Sex in the City. Always dressed up and going out. But she also had a career. What I remember most about my childhood was that she would have relationship, but when she was no longer feeling it, she would bounce, leave, come back home if she needed to. Through her I learned that you don’t have to settle. She never settled, she got just what she wanted in a man, and he supports her career.

My aunt Sharon

 As the youngest, she was the one who had the birds and bees talk with me and my friends. She was young, cool, and smart. Her man was fine, so what she said had to be true. Even more importantly, when I was 12, she took and in my room and taught me about breast self-exams. It was the beginning about me being hyper vigilant about my health.

My aunt Gwen a.k.a Two Cent

 She passed away suddenly at age 36. She taught me about the brevity of life cherishing each moment. As a fellow poet we shared a love of arts and music. To this day when I hear the reggae tune, "Baby Can I hold you” I think of her. She was not afraid of being different. Neither am I.

 Carol (Hoffman) Sullivan

I truly don’t think I would have made it out of high school or adolescence without her.  I was in such a dark, secret place but she brought me out of it with her wit, her intelligence, beauty and empathy. And she looked me. ME who looked like no one with light eyes and light hair. Such an important thing for growing girls to see. ( If you have a picture of her, I'll take it).

Natalie Dorm

As my tutor, she was not for me playing small. I was intelligent, and I needed to embrace it. As an adult and colleague, she taught me that being an educator means speaking up about what matters, how to make English class something students would grow to love if you aren’t afraid to step outside the box. After watching her, I never stayed in the box.

 Dora Robinson 

She  taught me the importance of leadership and empowering other women. She did it by leading by example. She is the one who put me on my path of working with young people, simply because she wanted to help a single mom and college student who worked late nights at a gas station. She showed me how to play the game and  win!

 Marjorie Hurst

She is the one who, after a year of writing for her newspaper asked, “when are you going to make a book?” She planted a seed that sprouted into 11 publications to date. She also taught me the importance of networking. Had her son and I not been close friends, she wouldn’t have gotten my resume put to the top of a pile for what has been my career for 14 years.

Essie Lee

My eldest son’s grandmother taught me about resilience. We both lost our mothers at a young age and were raised by family. She was tough but loving, like me. When her son and I broke up, she gave me the best advice. She told me that even and especially when I’m feeling my worst, dress up. Never let them see you down. Today I still do it. When I’m sad,  or sick, lipstick and heels make it better, if only a little.

 Tammy Marie

My eldest son’s aunt helped me balance the tomboy in me as a young woman. As a woman 7 years older than me,  she taught me that even being a tomboy, I could still smell delectable, and turn on the sexy when needed. To this day, I sleep in nothing, but sexy clothes and I always smell amazing if I don’t say so myself.

 

 Of course, I continue to be shaped by women my age and elders from the present and past (perhaps I’ll share in another post). However, where I am right now, today, is because of the women who led by example. So how can I not? Cheers to #blackgirlmagic.

Postpone the Boycott

As much as I am a fan of solidarity, I will not be joining in on the boycott of Dove products. Not just because I recently purchased a three pack of the beauty bar. And my refusal to boycott isn’t because I’m obsessed with how my 6 year old smells after he bathes with it, or its “ ¼cup of moisturizing cream.” It’s bigger than that. First of all, I love their empowerment campaign for girls. Secondly, I see how Dove has continuously tries to celebrate diversity in body size, age and skin color.

Sure, they’ve failed in the past, and more recently they failed miserably with their wash away the dirty black skin ad. But I don’t think it was intentional. Suspect, but not intentional. However, it does bring up a point. If Dove wants to celebrate diversity, where the hell was their Dre Johnson from Blackish when they were sitting around brainstorming?

Why wasn’t there at least one woke ass Black person at the table telling whoever shared that idea that it was racially insensitive as FUCK. I mean, what good are diversity ads if there  is no diversity behind the scenes and up the executive ladder?  

I’m hoping that after being called out like they sooooo rightfully deserved, Dove will make some changes.  Major changes. But who knows, maybe I’m wrong and they really do think we’re dirty, or that our skin is “dark” and not “normal.” But because I’m consumed with combatting so much other extreme hatred & racial injustice, if Dove wants me to boycott them, they are going to have to be a bit more blatant.  

When Black Women Lead

This will be a great opportunity to network, I thought, to expose my talents to professionals from a different demographic, i.e. White people. However, after our initial welcoming event, I wondered how I’d force myself to open to people unlike me. There were so many of them and so little of us (because you know we count in a room sparse with people of color). When we took our class photo I purposely tried to stand away from the other three black women, three Latino women, and the one black man, so it’d look a bit more …colorful. Still, as we prepared for our weekend retreat and official initiation into Leadership Pioneer Valley, I prepared myself to code switch. It’s what we do, change our speech style, volume, body language and vocabulary to mirror mainstream America. We drop the colloquialisms; avoid being our true selves to not offend, intimidate, or perpetuate negative cultural stereotypes. For some of us code switching is fluid and easy, and we never had to be taught; it was learned by watching. I was ready for it.

 To my surprise, the way our differences were brought to the forefront right from the beginning by executive director Lora Wondolowski, made me feel comfortable with just being me( in all my Black girl magic), without fear of making others uncomfortable or feeling like what I said or did represented all of us. This was just the beginning of the many lessons I learned throughout the 10-month program for emerging leaders in Western Massachusetts.  Without giving away all the details (because you should totally check it out yourself), I learned to listen more and react less. Through constant internal evaluation, that everything wasn’t crucial or warranted my input. I didn’t have to take over or take charge, but that I could earn be “happy enough” with the consensus. My strengths were validated and there were strategies I could immediately implement on the day job as well as in my entrepreneurial work.  In the end, it was way more than a list of new contacts, it was realizing how we all benefit from honest, uncomfortable discussions and the value of effectively using your voice. It was building collaborative relationships, friendships, and a new perspective of myself as well the Pioneer Valley.

Class of 2017. A great group of people

Bad Ass Lora Wondolowski, executive director of LPV, handing me my diploma

 For more information about applying for to be a part of class of 2018, visit www.leadershippv.org

Pu$$y Bashing

I love me some reality television. I mean, it’s so fake, you can’t help but get caught up in it so that you can escape your own reality. Like last week millions of viewers tuned into the Tami Roman vs Evelyn  Lozada battle on Basketball Wives, knowing full and well it was all hype and we would not get the action they teased us with through promos and marathons from previous seasons.

 

 As a matter of fact, it wasn’t until the last 3 minutes of the show that I raised an eye brow, tilted my head to  the side and mouthed “huh?”   I’m not even going to go into the  background details of their ridiculously trivial beef, you can google it. Basically Tami said Evelyn was hoe because she screwed her way through the NBA, MLB, and NFL, referring to her very public relationships.  I must admit I was disappointed in Tami’s comment (although I do love a good read from her every now and then) because it was total bullshit. I know women who have slept with 3 men in month, never mind a decade. And even if she slept with them all in one day…that’s her business. She is a grown ass woman.  I wrote about this before.  Apparently it's still an issue.

Some argue that the point isn’t that Evelyn slept with various men but that they were all rich athletes. Well, who are we to point the finger? It’s all about your circle. Some women repeatedly date actors or musicians, or street pharmacists. Me, I’m still a sucka for a blue collar ex-thug in a uniform. As I’ve grown older my palate had changed a bit, but hey, we like who we like. Why can’t she like a man who can buy her great shoes, and travels out of town often so she doesn’t have to be bothered? (I really don’t know her reasoning nor do I care). My point is, we already must reject these misogynistic mindsets from women-hating "men", but why in the hell do we have to defend ourselves to other women? Unless a woman is sleeping with your man, who she beds each night
(or day) is up for no one to judge;even if she’s on national television. It’s your pussy, Evelyn, do what you please.

Complacency Kills

I would say that nothing bothers me than when people complain about a situation but never do anything about. The fact is if you really want change, no amount of complaining or prayer for that matter will change anything if you do not take action of some sort. I don’t care if it’s an unhappy marriage, or a job you hate, your housing situation…if you are an able adult then you have the power to change it. Even if it’s not at the pace you desire change is possible. Waiting for the right time will have you waiting forever.  Just one small action will send a message to the universe that you indeed are ready for whatever it is you want. And once the universe knows you are serious about your intentions and being intentional than it will collaborate with you. It’s just that simple. Stop complaining and waiting for one day because one day will be your last day. Life is far to brief not try new things, go for what want, be with whom you want. In the immortal words of Jay-z… What the hell are you waiting for? 

An open letter to young women in unhealthy relationships.

Dear Young Woman  Lost,


 When  we older women try to tell you to walk away, to leave him alone, we know you won’t listen because we didn’t listen when they tried to tell us. More often than not when we are in love, we think we’re different, that we will prove the naysayers wrong. Consequently, we end up regretful and hurt. For some, it becomes a valuable lesson in personal growth. For others, it becomes the start of a vicious cycle of unhealthy, abusive relationships. Some become better women and others become broken. It is my hope that all of you reading this will be the ones who become better. And while you will have to navigate your own journey, let me leave you with some gems. 

1. If you feel alone, guilty, hurt, afraid, smothered, or any negative emotion a majority of the time, odds are you are in an emotionally ( and hopefully not physically) abusive relationship. It will not get better no matter what you do or don’t do.  Love certainly has its up and downs, but it shouldn’t have more downs than up and it shouldn’t frantically go up and down on a daily basis. So many people think that because he doesn’t hit you, it’s not abusive. Threats, constant cheating, intimidation, name calling, and isolation from people who love you are all forms of abuse. Hurt people hurt people… Don’t let him break your spirit!
2. If is not your responsibility to fix him or to make him happy. If he isn’t already a happy person, then once again, nothing you do will matter long term.  Don’t be guilted into staying because he had a difficult life, or because he has no family, or because of “all” he’s done for you. He’ll be alright, and if he isn’t, at least you will be. This also means you don’t allow him to be solely responsible for your happiness. That’s your job. Work on you instead of trying to fix him.
3.   Just because you have children together does not mean you have to stay together.  I know... you want it to work; you don’t want another baby daddy.  Here’s the reality. Happy mommy equals happy kid. They feel your energy, they know when you are hurting and they absorb it. Even worse, they learn what they see… that men are supposed to hurt women. You are your child’s first teacher, set an example. 

4.  Don’t compromise who you are under any circumstances. That means you don’t:  stash his drugs, do sexual favors that make you uncomfortable, quit doing what you love, not take care of your emotional and physical health. Once you lose yourself, it’s hard to get back. Don’t let your relationship or its status define you. 
5. Most importantly, YOU WILL GET THROUGH AND OVER THIS. Surround yourself with people who are positive models for healthy relationships and those who know how to do single like bosses. They are proof that it can be done.


          You are beautiful, you are enough.  And know that I am here for you when you are ready and if you have questions  Stay up ladies. Love you.


Here is an additional source:  http://www.loveisrespect.org/is-this-abuse/types-of-abuse/

Sex is H.E.R.S

Let’s talk about sex. Okay, not so much sex as much as sexual empowerment.

This topic has come up recently since I’ll be hosting an erotic poetry event. As I spoke to people about this at various networking events, some were surprised that I would be a part of such things. I politely explained on more than one occasion that female empowerment is political, psychological, spiritual and definitely physical. As a matter of fact, the older I get the more I strongly I feel about the physical. 

I remember  valuing my virginity as a teenager. I held onto it until I was almost 18.  Once my 5-year relationship was over, I was determined to limit my number of partners to the number of fingers I had on one hand. When I surpassed that, I remember lying to men who asked how many I had been with so as not taint the image they had of me. Then I grew a little older, and while I had not reached my toes yet in terms of numbers, when I was honest about the number of partners I had, it was held over my head consistently. 

Why is it that women are made to feel that their value is somehow lessened by the number of men they slept with, casual or not? I had safe sex, great sex, not so great sex, and I don’t believe in regrets. Now I’m not saying women should just throw their “gifts” around in the name of empowerment, but what I am saying is that if you value yourself, and your body,  you're safe, it's consensual  and you get all of your regular screenings, it’s none of anyone’s business who you sleep with. 

Now that I’m close to forty and I pity the next man that even shapes his mouth to ask me how many men I’ve slept with. In the words of Beyoncé: