No Matter What They Say

Centered on the world's stage,

she sings to her loves and beloveds,

to her foes and detractors:

However I am perceived and deceived,

however my ignorance and conceits,

lay aside your fears that I will be undone,

 for I shall not be moved. - Maya Angelou

One of my favorite and most quoted poems. It’s been swirling in my head lately as I think about people’s opinions and how they should be handled. (The barrage of opinions on social media after  Beyoncé's Grammy performance started it all).

 As a self-proclaimed diva and Queen of self-esteem you can bet that I carry myself with an epic ( like EPIC) level of confidence. As an educator, mother and youth worker I am passionate and outspoken in advocating for them. As a black woman, I am adamant about using my art as activism.  All of this is subject to both celebration and misunderstanding. But if I responded to every single prejudgment, criticism, or straight  throw of shade, I would then be detracted from my life’s work. Instead I ask myself some key questions before responding one of three ways:

1.  Keep going ( ugh, it’s so hard sometimes).  Ask yourself, does this person’s opinion ultimately affect my life or my life's work?  There will be people who won’t believe in your dreams, there will those who try to compete with you, and there will be those who allow themselves to be influenced by other’s opinions of you.  If these people have no influence over your income, then keep it moving. As long as you are authentic, people will eventually see the truth past other people’s smoking mirrors, sabotage, and rumors.  In other words “Twirl on them haters”- 

Song Suggestions:

 Jill Scott- Hate on Me

Queen-Janelle Monae

Fake Love- Drake

          No time -Lil Kim

2.   Clarify - If I think your opinions matter, I first ask myself why it matters. If it’s because I truly value you or because you in fact can help me with my mission, then I will make an effort for you to get to know me better or to explain my perspective so that we can come to  a mutual understanding. I have to say this is one of  my least used responses because frankly, I find it time consuming if you clarify yourself to the wrong people.
     Sometimes your clarification doesn't have to be direct. It can be more indirect- in the form of a major statement- ( as poet my clap back game is major). I look at Beyoncé and how she responds to haters through music videos and live performances- in that I can show you better than tell you manner. Yasssss!

   Song suggestions:

            Tru-Lloyd

             Apple Tree- Eryka Badu

                     Hate it or Love it-Mary J. Blige

                    Woo-ha Got you all in check- Busta Rhymes

3.   Reflect ( Also hard as hell) –  10 years ago I’d give you the side eye and stank face all rolled into one if you suggested I reflect on others' opinions. I mean, to actually think that 10 people use the same unflattering word to describe you is tough, but necessary...if you want to grow. Sometimes I reflect and I’m like WRONG ( it's about them not me), and other times I’m like, DAMN they’re right! And then I make a conscious decision to work on it if it is something I care about.  It requires pushing your ego all the way to side and sometimes it sucks.

Song suggestions:

Strength Courage and Wisdom- India Aire

Man in the Mirror- Micheal Jackson

I Remember Me-Jennifer Hudson

Everything is Everything- Lauryn Hill

Twirl on!

Sex is H.E.R.S

Let’s talk about sex. Okay, not so much sex as much as sexual empowerment.

This topic has come up recently since I’ll be hosting an erotic poetry event. As I spoke to people about this at various networking events, some were surprised that I would be a part of such things. I politely explained on more than one occasion that female empowerment is political, psychological, spiritual and definitely physical. As a matter of fact, the older I get the more I strongly I feel about the physical. 

I remember  valuing my virginity as a teenager. I held onto it until I was almost 18.  Once my 5-year relationship was over, I was determined to limit my number of partners to the number of fingers I had on one hand. When I surpassed that, I remember lying to men who asked how many I had been with so as not taint the image they had of me. Then I grew a little older, and while I had not reached my toes yet in terms of numbers, when I was honest about the number of partners I had, it was held over my head consistently. 

Why is it that women are made to feel that their value is somehow lessened by the number of men they slept with, casual or not? I had safe sex, great sex, not so great sex, and I don’t believe in regrets. Now I’m not saying women should just throw their “gifts” around in the name of empowerment, but what I am saying is that if you value yourself, and your body,  you're safe, it's consensual  and you get all of your regular screenings, it’s none of anyone’s business who you sleep with. 

Now that I’m close to forty and I pity the next man that even shapes his mouth to ask me how many men I’ve slept with. In the words of Beyoncé: