No Matter What They Say

Centered on the world's stage,

she sings to her loves and beloveds,

to her foes and detractors:

However I am perceived and deceived,

however my ignorance and conceits,

lay aside your fears that I will be undone,

 for I shall not be moved. - Maya Angelou

One of my favorite and most quoted poems. It’s been swirling in my head lately as I think about people’s opinions and how they should be handled. (The barrage of opinions on social media after  Beyoncé's Grammy performance started it all).

 As a self-proclaimed diva and Queen of self-esteem you can bet that I carry myself with an epic ( like EPIC) level of confidence. As an educator, mother and youth worker I am passionate and outspoken in advocating for them. As a black woman, I am adamant about using my art as activism.  All of this is subject to both celebration and misunderstanding. But if I responded to every single prejudgment, criticism, or straight  throw of shade, I would then be detracted from my life’s work. Instead I ask myself some key questions before responding one of three ways:

1.  Keep going ( ugh, it’s so hard sometimes).  Ask yourself, does this person’s opinion ultimately affect my life or my life's work?  There will be people who won’t believe in your dreams, there will those who try to compete with you, and there will be those who allow themselves to be influenced by other’s opinions of you.  If these people have no influence over your income, then keep it moving. As long as you are authentic, people will eventually see the truth past other people’s smoking mirrors, sabotage, and rumors.  In other words “Twirl on them haters”- 

Song Suggestions:

 Jill Scott- Hate on Me

Queen-Janelle Monae

Fake Love- Drake

          No time -Lil Kim

2.   Clarify - If I think your opinions matter, I first ask myself why it matters. If it’s because I truly value you or because you in fact can help me with my mission, then I will make an effort for you to get to know me better or to explain my perspective so that we can come to  a mutual understanding. I have to say this is one of  my least used responses because frankly, I find it time consuming if you clarify yourself to the wrong people.
     Sometimes your clarification doesn't have to be direct. It can be more indirect- in the form of a major statement- ( as poet my clap back game is major). I look at Beyoncé and how she responds to haters through music videos and live performances- in that I can show you better than tell you manner. Yasssss!

   Song suggestions:

            Tru-Lloyd

             Apple Tree- Eryka Badu

                     Hate it or Love it-Mary J. Blige

                    Woo-ha Got you all in check- Busta Rhymes

3.   Reflect ( Also hard as hell) –  10 years ago I’d give you the side eye and stank face all rolled into one if you suggested I reflect on others' opinions. I mean, to actually think that 10 people use the same unflattering word to describe you is tough, but necessary...if you want to grow. Sometimes I reflect and I’m like WRONG ( it's about them not me), and other times I’m like, DAMN they’re right! And then I make a conscious decision to work on it if it is something I care about.  It requires pushing your ego all the way to side and sometimes it sucks.

Song suggestions:

Strength Courage and Wisdom- India Aire

Man in the Mirror- Micheal Jackson

I Remember Me-Jennifer Hudson

Everything is Everything- Lauryn Hill

Twirl on!

The Not So Hidden Messages in Hidden Figures

After clapping and crying, being angry,excited and enamoured in a span of 2 hours, I ultimately left the movie theatre feeling inspired and uplifted. The empowering  messages I received from each amazing portrayal of NASA’s African-American human computers in Hidden Figures  were loud, clear and necessary as hell:

1.       Katherine Johnson (played by Taraji P.Henson),  the gifted mathematician, when told no,  refused to accept it as an answer. She was the ultimate example of  "leaning in." When you are capable and talented, don’t back down.  And when they try to shut you up, let your brilliance speak for itself; in other words,  I can show you better than I can tell you. By doing so she went from being ignored to becoming indispensable.

2.       Dorothy Vaughn (played by Octavia Spencer)  took self-determination to another level. Not only did she take the initiative to teach herself about the the first computers, she mastered them, and then taught her  fellow  Black women how to use them as well. In doing so, she too made herself indispensable. More importantly, she pulled her sistas up with her.  Now that is bad assery.

3.       Mary Jackson (played fabulously by Janelle Monae )was intelligent and fiery. Being a woman with high aspirations is tough in 2017, I could only imagine how difficult it was in 1961! With the gender roles issues, work/life balance and every kind of ism  black women are up against today,  it's nothing compared what she experienced and under far more extreme conditions. But it served as a reminder to us all that you cannot let other’s  fears, misconceptions and judgments veer you off track, whether they be institutions or people.  In her story, I saw that somebody has to be the first, why not  me? Why not you?

This movie was just the nudge  I needed to push me me off the cliff of 2016 and into flight of 2017.I’m about to soar... and I'm taking my sistas with me! Thank you ladies, messages received.

 "If they don't give you a seat at the table, bring a folding chair." 

                              - Shirley Chisholm

FREASTS: The last night Part I

Here I am at the 6 week mark for my surgery, and the whole experience has been surreal. Rewind to the last week of August, which was pure chaos for me. It was the first week of professional development for educators and I had to be a presenter. While my summer was great I was feeling extra fat because I needed to put extra meat on my stomach for the surgery and well, I did. Let’s be clear, you cannot spot gain  weight just like you cannot spot lose, so I was feeling plump in all areas. My breasts were the largest they'd
been in a long time and my weight was close to its highest. Therefore I only had like 2 bras I could fit and a few maxi dresses. I was highly emotional all of the time. I was like a pregnant mother nesting, preparing my house for the week would be in the hospital, preparing my toddler for  mommy being "at the doctor’s" for days and him not being able to climb on mommy or mommy not being able to pick him up when I came back. I was decorating a classroom and getting lesson plans ready for my extended absence  (8 to 12 weeks). This meant staying after school for 2 to 3 hours daily while all of the other teachers rushed off to enjoy their last days of summer. I was preparing for a surgery that would not only change my body, but would change my life! The week was flying by as I felt like there wasn't enough time for to complete my to-do list. My surgery was scheduled for August 31, the first day of school for students. I would not be there,  instead I'd be on an operating table being sliced and diced.

  It would be a 10 to 12 hour surgery, I was nervous about not coming out of it alive, I was anxious about how I would react to my “Toya the Remix”. What if I hated my freasts (fake breasts)? What if I looked at this new pair without nipples and with big scars and I panicked?  What if they were lopsided, or my abdominal scar was atrocious? I know supposedly the internet is not your friend when it comes to medicine but I did extensive research, sometimes at 2 and 3am, looking at other people’s scars, finding recovery tips, and while it helped me prepare my home, it definitely put my anxiety at an all-time high. I couldn’t sleep at night. I almost had panic attack thinking about going under and the type of pain I’d have to endure. 

 The only thing that took my attention away was the deadline for my comprehensive exam for my doctoral degree.  I couldn't continue with my dissertation until I passed. It was due September 8, no exceptions, no excuses, even medical (Please believe me, I tried). It was more than 60 pages long. And I would have to complete it a week early if I wanted to succeed.

 Fast forward to the night of Sunday, August 30^th ...the longest night ever. My hospital bag was packed, the house was spotless, everyone was asleep and I had done more research on the procedure than I needed. I had two Reiki sessions and had been put on many prayer lists, so in terms of the actual procedure, I was felt relaxed and prepared. There was only one thing weighing heavily on my mind.I knew I had to finish the exam before I went under because I knew there was no way I’d be able to write coherently once I came out of surgery. As I made edits, my eyes were strained, I wasn't sure if I was thinking clearly. I was hungry as hell, but doing the mandatory fasting, not even water.I had a toddler meltdown at about 1:00am thinking, I should just give up, I should just wait until next semester and retake it, even if it meant more loan money. I wanted my peace of mind; I needed my peace of mind. And then I heard this little voice, scratch that, a big voice tells …  BULL SH*T! You are Brenda’s Child, there’s no giving up! You busted your ass on this for a month and now you wanna quit!?

 The voice sounded a lot like Tom Hanks in a League of Their Own. But instead of yelling “There’s no crying in baseball” he was saying “There’s no giving up. People are counting on you. You aren’t a hypocrite are you? Follow Through.”  

So I did. I finished my paper at 3:34 am. I still didn't hand it in. I closed my laptop, went into the bathroom and looked at my for the last time. I felt my erect nipples for the last time, realizing I'd never know what that would be like again.

 I took a selfie of my extra-large, gravity-stricken breasts and my stomach, that since my first son was born 18 years ago, had looked like two large lips frowning.  I looked at my red sleepy eyes and then I shrugged my shoulders before I took what would be my last shower for 3weeks. Screw it, I’d sleep under anesthesia. I was going to let everything go and clear my mind for the surgery I had to report to at 5:45am.  I was signing off. 

Ego Tripping (There may be a reason why)

It is so hard trying to do good in a world where people are always looking for bad. Judging and scrutiny can get the best of us, even me, the self-proclaimed “Queen of Self-Esteem.”But whenever I find myself pulled into the negativity I have to step back and look at two important things: Purpose and Outcome. What is it I’m trying to do and why? For me, it’s inspiring people, especially youth. Why? Because I am a product of it. Throughout my life, it’s been mentors, historical figures, art and music that have kept me going when I wanted to give up, that have forced me to see things in a more positive light. I want to do that for others because it can be life changing, literally. Inspiration can mean the difference between high school drop out and college grad, between a drug dealer and car dealership owner, between suicide and living. Why is so important because it helps us to maintain our integrity when we are tempted to compromise our standards, beliefs, and values in order to live out our purpose. It is also important because it distracts us from our own selfish reasons that may arrive. For instance, I want to sell 6million copies of my memoir to save 6million lives. Not to get rich, but to save lives. However, I would love to write professionally full time. I have to be wary of this when opportunities present themselves that may tempt me to stray. This is when I have to look at outcomes. I will know I am staying true on my purpose when I can see its effects. For me, it’s the youth I work with who flourish into productive adults who are accomplishing goals and making their mark on the world.  In the end, this is all that matters, not what other people think my intentions are, not what they feel I am doing, and not if it gets national exposure or millions of dollars. In the end, when you do what you’re passionate about, it will pay off in more ways than one.

Goals must never be from your ego, but problems that cry for a solution.

-Robert H. Schuller

No more guilt!

So it was much to my disappointment last night that I was amped up for about an hour to go somewhere. Then reality set in. I was exhausted and dozing off on a Saturday night at 10:30. I couldn’t even finish the lifetime movie I had started. Reluctantly, I surrendered. But even I as lay in bed I had to reason with and remind myself that I needed to listen to my body, which was screaming it was tired. Tired from working out strenuously for 4 days in the week; from being on my feet ( even if they are mostly flats) pacing back and forth as a teacher, tired from running after a 1 1/2-year-old, tired from traveling to rehearse for an upcoming play, tired of typing! Not only was my body drained, but my mind also needed to rest. During the week I’m up at 5:45am and I’m in bed by 11 or 12 at night. The only time I truly relaxing during those hours is when I sit on the couch with my baby while he dozes off on the arm of the chair. So I had to once again remind myself to keep my eyes on the prize. I kick ass during the week to make my dreams come true, to be the best teacher I can be, to keep myself healthy, and take care of my family. I have to rely on QUALITY time instead of quantity when it comes to the household. Therefore when the WEEKENDS…. So does my running around and being outside of my home. My Saturday and Sunday ( unless of course, I have an event) are dedicated to my the home front.  So if you don’t see much, this is why, and I am okay with it ( Most times ;)   EVERY NOW AND THEN I HAVE TO REMIND MYSELF THAT IF I WANT MY LIFE TO BE DIFFERENT I HAVE TO DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY.

No Limits for 2013

Wow, it's been exactly 4 months since my last post. Were you waiting anxiously for me? Probably not, but that's cool. Honestly, this blog is for my sanity, but I do share it because I hope that someone can relate and become inspired.

So, of course, I've been going full steam ahead.
 As I like to to at the end of every year, I'm reflecting on the things I've accomplished :

I enrolled full time in a Ph.D. program


I was a presenter for a large conference for people who work with incarcerated teen girls


I am at my most energetic and strongest body weight (not my lightest but my most powerful)


I rode a rodeo bull ( in public)

I hosted the largest attended Gifted Diva Showcase I have in 8 years


 I finally made it to the Harlem Book Fair as an author

I officially filed my youth program as a nonprofit

I helped to establish an entertainment business 

I published the bonus edition of my novella ( something I'd been putting off forever)




I completed Rugged Maniac 5k obstacle course!!!


I've continued to be a go-getter and I love the feeling and the rewards that coming with reaching my goals.


As I prepare for the new year, I will continue to work on being my best self and inspiring other people to do the same. My focus is on my studies, my health and fitness, and my art. I also want to do more fitness challenges, and more adrenaline infusing activities. I want to be sure I maintain that zest for life and to continue to grow as a person. Those are my goals!

Aristo...what????

I’ve come to the conclusion that I am aristoway. See part of me is reminiscent of an aristocrat, in that I carry myself like nobility. I am an educated woman who seems to be living the American dream…career, home ownership, opportunity. I read books (and write them too), I mentor, and I give back to the community. Hell, I don’t litter. I don’t care about flashy, pricey clothes, expensive cars or any other thing that might be stereotypically connected to someone of my upbringing. Many of my peers are in the same boat financially, educationally, etc.  Additionally, I try to surround myself around people who are going places, and not ones who are stagnant. But at the end of the day, my mother was born in the rural South, my great-grandfather was a sharecropper and son of a slave, and I was raised in a predominantly Black neighborhood, or what we call “the hood.”


I lived in the projects and drank 40 ounces.I've fought on the street, had family against family royal rumbles.  My aunt buying a home was a big deal. Me graduating from a four-year college was a big deal. Me being the first in my family with a Master’s, even bigger deal. This is where the away part comes in. At the heart of it all, I’m still L.L Cool J’s eternal ‘Round Away Girl. I can “break hearts and manipulate minds, or surrender act tender is gentle and kind.” In a good pair of shoes, I can “walk with a switch and talk with street slang.” This book and street smart combo have actually helped me with my career, but for the rest of my life, I will float back and forth between both sides.

On one hand, I'm disgusted with bad hair weaves ('cause I keep mine is tight), or people who spend more money on labels than they can afford. I despise women who date drug dealers once they are over the age of 25. I am angered by people stuck in the short term thinking, people who are satisfied with government handouts and swear they are “independent”. Those who are young (19 to 24) I try to lead, for those who are my age I avoid. (Hmmm...maybe I should try to shed some light their way???) . I have little patience for people who make excuses and are shaming our ancestors.

But then there’s the ToyaB who understands the struggle; that the system is set up to fail us. I am Pro-Black, viva revolution all day when comes disadvantages and injustice to our people.  I understand why it's easier to not try. Then there’s Latoya who says, so what? Prove them wrong. Back and forth.

Sometimes ToyaB takes over completely; I start talking loud, using my hands, spittin’ derogatory terms, dropping F bombs. Sometimes I find myself reverting back to ToyaB, ready to whip some ass, becoming confrontational and caring less about people’s feelings. (Luckily Latoya reminds her that she has a job she doesn’t want to lose otherwise I would have caught a case a long time ago.)

As I said before, sometimes it’s an advantage when I’m trying to reach youth. I can understand and show them that there is life beyond torn down buildings, and the block.  Then other times it feels like I stumble when I have a hood moment or though. After I snap back to reality and accept that I had a moment I say " Oh Well!" But this is who I am, an aristoaway. This is why I am wonderfully imperfect and full of complexity. This is why I will always be Latoya and ToyaB

Ambition is exhausting

There is so much I want out of life, so many goals I want to accomplish, but we all know it's hard to keep moving forward steadily when we have to live day to day responsibilities while trying to accomplish them. Sometimes I feel like there's not enough time in the day to do it all. After working two jobs, exercising, running errands, volunteering,etc., I'm wiped out. But I have to keep telling myself that I can't be the person who lives so much in the present that I don't work for a future. I want to write so many more books, I want to launch my youth program, get my doctorate, get married, have one more baby, and just be happy. (So there, I'm putting it out there in the universe.)
With me trying to do so much, I get run down, tired, and frustrated every now and then. I lose focus and have to remind myself that slow and steady wins the race and that as long as I am moving, I shouldn't stress about the pace at which I am doing so. But being the go-getter I am, it gets exhausting. Then I have to wind down, rest my mind and body, recharge, and attack life again. Do you feel me?

Finding your voice

This is the first story I wrote. Since I was eight years old I knew I wanted to be a writer. I am a lucky one. When I was twenty, I discovered another voice, working with youth. I am a lucky one. There are people today who are still lost and trying to figure out where they fit in this big tapestry called life. There are people making big bucks but go home unfulfilled. There are people who make nothing and are still unfulfilled. Me, I've got my share of bills that get paid the day of shut off, and major projects I can't afford to do on my house, but I love my job! All of them. Teaching high school students who don't see school as a priority is tough stuff, but at the end of my day, I am exhausted and content. And I love to write poems and perform them. Not only are they therapy for me, but every now and then, I get to touch the life of another.

Have you found your voice? What is it? How do you know? If even you don't know what kind of job you want, what field do you belong in? What makes you happy? If you figure that out, stop making excuses and pursue it.