Whatever the Hell I Please

                  


It’s tax season and social media has been flooded with 

memes, some hilarious, some not so much. There are the ones about fat or ugly girls having men they supposedly wouldn’t ever be able to attract otherwise. Then there are those, which I’m guilty of laughing at, showing how women look before and after taxes, from weaves to furs and anything else you can imagine. While I have what I believe to be a great sense of humor, the feminist single mother in me cannot help but be offended by some actual written about posts about how we choose to spend our money,  or our audacity not to split the child income credit with our “baby daddy”. While I’m sure every case is different, I’m writing on behalf of the many women I know.  It’s my damn money and I will do what the hell I please!!! 
 As someone who has been in different tax brackets, I have strong feelings about this. When I was living in subsidized housing, with my fuel assistance and Medicaid, I received the EIC (Earned Income Credit) for my son. I was a full-time student who delivered pizzas, substitute taught and did whatever I needed to do pay bills. When I got that tax check, I treated myself to some new clothes to prepare myself for the professional world, bought my son things I normally couldn’t afford and gave money to my babysitters who kept my son for free all year while I worked. I also redecorated my apartment, switching out my son’s toddler size mattress to a twin bed, or upgrading a furniture set or TV ( that was a hand me down) to something newer. It felt good to have that extra money when there were times I was searching my couch cushions for loose change just to have enough for my son's lunch money. One year I used that extra money to buy a new car so that I could stop driving pieces of junk that constantly needed oil, brake fluid, coolant, tires, a jump start or a tow.  Then for two years in a row, I saved my money to use for a down payment on a house so I could get the hell out of the projects.  Fast forward years later, I apparently make too much money for the EIC. Still, I look forward to the benefits of tax season and my substantial refund.  Daycare for my toddler is $500 a month,  I’m paying back money from the my students loans, and I’m an owner of a historic home which is constantly being upgraded for myself and my tenant.  When I get my money, I treat myself first to clothes and shoes, do some home improvements and redecorating, save some, pay ahead some bills and... whatever the hell else I please! 
 A woman should not be condemned for what she does with her tax money, especially not by her “baby daddy”  because he pays child support. Child support??? Please! Unless you’re a celebrity dropping thousands monthly, child support for many of the women I know only pays for sneakers, or haircuts, maybe daycare. And then I know men who only buy their kids "what they need” because they don’t want to put money in a woman’s hands? What a joke! All year long your child needs food, electricity, hot water, heat, and if you’re lucky cable so they can watch Nick Jr.  But it’s the mother who is put down because she wants to treat herself to a mani and pedi, or a new hairdo? Again, I know there are outliers, extremes on both ends, but I’m writing for the many hardworking single mothers who didn’t plan on raising babies alone, and we deserve more respect. Instead of condemning her, why not help her out?  Expose her to some financial options or programs, teach some skills, lend a helping hand, be an emotional support system. 
While today  I'm in a much better place than I was 10 or 15 years ago, I know that the struggle is more than real, it can be  continuous, lonely and exhausting.

This is why every other year I host the She got H.E.R.S conference for young women, mothers or not. We all need a little guidance and encouragement!

Aristo...what????

I’ve come to the conclusion that I am aristoway. See part of me is reminiscent of an aristocrat, in that I carry myself like nobility. I am an educated woman who seems to be living the American dream…career, home ownership, opportunity. I read books (and write them too), I mentor, and I give back to the community. Hell, I don’t litter. I don’t care about flashy, pricey clothes, expensive cars or any other thing that might be stereotypically connected to someone of my upbringing. Many of my peers are in the same boat financially, educationally, etc.  Additionally, I try to surround myself around people who are going places, and not ones who are stagnant. But at the end of the day, my mother was born in the rural South, my great-grandfather was a sharecropper and son of a slave, and I was raised in a predominantly Black neighborhood, or what we call “the hood.”


I lived in the projects and drank 40 ounces.I've fought on the street, had family against family royal rumbles.  My aunt buying a home was a big deal. Me graduating from a four-year college was a big deal. Me being the first in my family with a Master’s, even bigger deal. This is where the away part comes in. At the heart of it all, I’m still L.L Cool J’s eternal ‘Round Away Girl. I can “break hearts and manipulate minds, or surrender act tender is gentle and kind.” In a good pair of shoes, I can “walk with a switch and talk with street slang.” This book and street smart combo have actually helped me with my career, but for the rest of my life, I will float back and forth between both sides.

On one hand, I'm disgusted with bad hair weaves ('cause I keep mine is tight), or people who spend more money on labels than they can afford. I despise women who date drug dealers once they are over the age of 25. I am angered by people stuck in the short term thinking, people who are satisfied with government handouts and swear they are “independent”. Those who are young (19 to 24) I try to lead, for those who are my age I avoid. (Hmmm...maybe I should try to shed some light their way???) . I have little patience for people who make excuses and are shaming our ancestors.

But then there’s the ToyaB who understands the struggle; that the system is set up to fail us. I am Pro-Black, viva revolution all day when comes disadvantages and injustice to our people.  I understand why it's easier to not try. Then there’s Latoya who says, so what? Prove them wrong. Back and forth.

Sometimes ToyaB takes over completely; I start talking loud, using my hands, spittin’ derogatory terms, dropping F bombs. Sometimes I find myself reverting back to ToyaB, ready to whip some ass, becoming confrontational and caring less about people’s feelings. (Luckily Latoya reminds her that she has a job she doesn’t want to lose otherwise I would have caught a case a long time ago.)

As I said before, sometimes it’s an advantage when I’m trying to reach youth. I can understand and show them that there is life beyond torn down buildings, and the block.  Then other times it feels like I stumble when I have a hood moment or though. After I snap back to reality and accept that I had a moment I say " Oh Well!" But this is who I am, an aristoaway. This is why I am wonderfully imperfect and full of complexity. This is why I will always be Latoya and ToyaB