Going through it to Get to it

I am tremendously elated to be on the other end of a very

difficult transitional season in my life.

In the last two years I have:

• had my ovaries removed =(adjusting to menopause) 

• had a double mastectomy with full reconstruction

      =(multiple surgeries and body image issues to follow)

• ended an 8 year relationship to the man I lived with and thought I would marry =(adjusting to single life physically, emotionally & financially)

• started a 9 month leadership program (more work, meetings and deadlines)

•   finished my doctoral course work (which meant starting a dissertation).

      That’s a lot right? Well, wait…there’s more.

 

The first half of 2017 was all about:

•  waiting for the arrival of my first grandchild (he came April 3rd),

•  finishing the leadership program (I graduate June 14^th.) 

• completing my dissertation (by the end of summer… FINALLY),

•  and most importantly, after a year and a half of living in pain and discomfort. I have my last surgery date scheduled for July 7.

I was in limbo for so long, it feels amazing to finally have

some closure. Although there will still be some challenges,

physically, emotionally and mentally… I see the light at the

end of the tunnel. It’s bright as hell and I am relieved,

delighted and excited. 

Complacency Kills

I would say that nothing bothers me than when people complain about a situation but never do anything about. The fact is if you really want change, no amount of complaining or prayer for that matter will change anything if you do not take action of some sort. I don’t care if it’s an unhappy marriage, or a job you hate, your housing situation…if you are an able adult then you have the power to change it. Even if it’s not at the pace you desire change is possible. Waiting for the right time will have you waiting forever.  Just one small action will send a message to the universe that you indeed are ready for whatever it is you want. And once the universe knows you are serious about your intentions and being intentional than it will collaborate with you. It’s just that simple. Stop complaining and waiting for one day because one day will be your last day. Life is far to brief not try new things, go for what want, be with whom you want. In the immortal words of Jay-z… What the hell are you waiting for? 

CHECK UP FROM THE NECK UP

How are you? No really, how are you? So often we are asked or ask that question, already anticipating an automatic response of “fine” or “good” because it’s the polite thing to say. After all we can’t just go and spill our guts to everyone. I mean what if I answered, “ Awful. Menopause is killing me. I don’t sleep, I wake up in sweats, I’m showering twice a day, and I can’t wear any of my winter sweaters because I’ll die if I have a hot flash while wearing one!” AWKWARD!! Right?  So, that’s why I chose to share it with a therapist instead. That’s right, a therapist. I went recently for a “CHECK UP FROM THE NECK UP” because just as it's important get a pap smear and a cholesterol check, it’s equally important to get a mental and emotional check. Turns out I’m fine (I’m at a time in my life where I’m in transition in almost every area of my life, and I’m embracing it). 

Unfortunately, as women, as women of color we tend to put this on the bottom of our to-do list, if we put it on there at all. Instead we push our feelings to the side, or drown them in façade, food, drink, work, or worse social media; to the detriment of ourselves. We make sure that even if we shop at the thrift store or color our hair on our own that we look good no matter what, but we don’t do that for our inside. I used to be so guilty of it myself for years, but now I’m all about self-care because I know it makes me a better mother, employee, friend and a warrior. Having friends and family to support you is a wonderful thing, and I’m blessed to have both. However, confiding in them sometimes means you will be judged (verbally or mentally). And once you divulge drama about your significant other, then you can count on them to hold a grudge even if you don’t. A licensed therapist, however doesn’t hold grudges, instead they let you talk and ask you the type of leading questions that compel you to figure out how to handle your situations.  Even if you don’t go regularly (because honestly there may not be need to), go for that checkup. There may be a problem you aren’t aware of lurking in your conscious. And then again, everything might be fine. But you won’t know unless you go!  

Body Image Revisited

The body image saga continues.  If you’ve read my memoir then you know that starting as early as 11 years old I struggled with body image.  I thought I was had finally conquered it in mid twenties, even if I was close to 250 pounds. I mean I deemed myself the Queen of Self -Esteem! For about 10 years after that, I was in a really good place. I had mastered posing so that the camera hit all of the right angles. I had come to love all of my flaws, finally accepting my lumps and bumps, and really focusing on what I loved about my body. Then 2015 came and I’d have to come to accept a new body. Just as I’m starting accept the fact that I have no feeling in my breasts (which I have now decided to call NOOBS -new boobs), and get happy that the foot and a half long scar across my abdomen is fading,  my incisional hernia enlarges and that’s ALL am able to see. I’m cognizant  of it all day long. Aside from the extreme physical discomfort, I find myself double checking mirrors and buying shirts that disguise the massive bulge protruding from my right lower quadrant. I haven't been this self-conscious when getting dressed in so long, it feels awkward. But it’s really because I do in fact feel self-conscious. And why? I  have yet to understand why this insecurity has crept back in my psyche. I mean before the surgery I gained like 50 pounds, and after the surgery I walked around for 6 months with no nipples or areolas? Why am I tripping?  I had no answer, so last week I decided to get back in the gym ( I have to keep it extremely light until and even months after my next surgery). It made a world of difference, because after one session, I was reminded of just how powerful and amazing my body is. Each chest press made me feel more and appreciative of my body and its journey. It reminded me that this shit is temporary and aesthetic. What matters is keeping it healthy for its next healing challenge! Here we go!

An open letter to young women in unhealthy relationships.

Dear Young Woman  Lost,


 When  we older women try to tell you to walk away, to leave him alone, we know you won’t listen because we didn’t listen when they tried to tell us. More often than not when we are in love, we think we’re different, that we will prove the naysayers wrong. Consequently, we end up regretful and hurt. For some, it becomes a valuable lesson in personal growth. For others, it becomes the start of a vicious cycle of unhealthy, abusive relationships. Some become better women and others become broken. It is my hope that all of you reading this will be the ones who become better. And while you will have to navigate your own journey, let me leave you with some gems. 

1. If you feel alone, guilty, hurt, afraid, smothered, or any negative emotion a majority of the time, odds are you are in an emotionally ( and hopefully not physically) abusive relationship. It will not get better no matter what you do or don’t do.  Love certainly has its up and downs, but it shouldn’t have more downs than up and it shouldn’t frantically go up and down on a daily basis. So many people think that because he doesn’t hit you, it’s not abusive. Threats, constant cheating, intimidation, name calling, and isolation from people who love you are all forms of abuse. Hurt people hurt people… Don’t let him break your spirit!
2. If is not your responsibility to fix him or to make him happy. If he isn’t already a happy person, then once again, nothing you do will matter long term.  Don’t be guilted into staying because he had a difficult life, or because he has no family, or because of “all” he’s done for you. He’ll be alright, and if he isn’t, at least you will be. This also means you don’t allow him to be solely responsible for your happiness. That’s your job. Work on you instead of trying to fix him.
3.   Just because you have children together does not mean you have to stay together.  I know... you want it to work; you don’t want another baby daddy.  Here’s the reality. Happy mommy equals happy kid. They feel your energy, they know when you are hurting and they absorb it. Even worse, they learn what they see… that men are supposed to hurt women. You are your child’s first teacher, set an example. 

4.  Don’t compromise who you are under any circumstances. That means you don’t:  stash his drugs, do sexual favors that make you uncomfortable, quit doing what you love, not take care of your emotional and physical health. Once you lose yourself, it’s hard to get back. Don’t let your relationship or its status define you. 
5. Most importantly, YOU WILL GET THROUGH AND OVER THIS. Surround yourself with people who are positive models for healthy relationships and those who know how to do single like bosses. They are proof that it can be done.


          You are beautiful, you are enough.  And know that I am here for you when you are ready and if you have questions  Stay up ladies. Love you.


Here is an additional source:  http://www.loveisrespect.org/is-this-abuse/types-of-abuse/

Hold on

I can officially say that the second week of January 2017 was the most emotionally draining I’ve had in a long time. But if you know me, after I have time to refill my  cup,  I reflect and figure how what's next…. how do I make it better? What can I do differently? How can I help?

Tragedy and Trauma (with capital T's)  were the words of week as I found myself needing to be there for others while internally dealing with my own emotional response. There were very few people who actually checked in to see how I was doing. Then there were people I called and they focused on how they were feelings. I ended most of my days on my couch in a catatonic state, followed b restless sleeping and wearing my mask at work. Now that the week has ended, and I've had time to think, I've learned at least two major lessons this week. The first is I've learned is ...  ask for what you need. There are some of us ( like Me) who are perceived to be these strong people who may bend but never break. And while I do consider myself to be resilient and adept at self-care, this week I really needed a shoulder to cry to on because I spent my days hugging & comforting crying teens and young women during the day, and texting, instant messaging and calling them by night. All of this after news of a successful and then thankfully an unsuccessful suicide attempt, sexual assault on video, hospitalizations and mental breakdowns. All in a matter of days. 
In the mist of it, the innate nurturer in me just wanted to make sure everyone was okay, so I sprang into comforter mode.  But when it was all done, there were about three people who called to check on me. Then I realized it’s not their fault, they assumed that I got this, because most times I do. What I should have done was said was, “Listen I’m emotionally drained and heartbroken, can someone come get my 5 year old so I can have moment to cry."  "Can someone cook me hot food because I just want to lay here."  "Let's a have chocolate or wine and talk it out."  But I didn’t, so I cannot be mad that I didn’t get what I didn’t ask for. My commitment is to make sure from now on that I ask for what I need and I teach my students and mentees to do the same because no one should suffer in silence and so many people do.  As I was there this week  for one of the strongest people, this truth was reiterated.

 This leads me to my second lesson. Early last week I learned that I’m not done with major surgery.Nope. Because of my hernia, I in fact will have to endure another 6 hour surgery, a couple of days in the hospital and 6 weeks of recovery. I was devastated when the surgeon explained why a simple laparoscopic surgery would not be enough. After a small temper tantrum in the car on the way home, I realized. I will get through this as I did all of the others, that that is just the way life works, if you don’t give up. You will get through it and come out on the other side, most times stronger, better, and more beautiful. This is also what I remind myself… and what I will teach my students and mentees as well.  It’s definitely easier said than done, especially when your world is crumbling and you don’t have emotional support or coping skills, like many of the young people in my live. I just hope that by persevering and sharing my story they can see that it is possible. Depression, illness, death, loneliness, etc. It is possible to come out on the other side. This too shall pass.  As I type this I can hear that Wilson Sister’s song in the back of my mind... "Hold on for one day, things will go your way." It’s so true, and until they can hold on to themselves, I’m going to be there to help them hold on. 

I FINALLY LOVE MY BULKY BELLY

There is something awesome and mind blowing about really, truly beginning to love your body. As I am thinking more and more about my impending double mastectomy, which involved taking the lovely fat from my abdomen to replace the breast tissue, I’m thinking about the parts of miss I’ll miss. Each blemish and scar tells a story, and I am just now getting it. The stretch marks I abhorred as a 19 year old, I now treasure as a reminder that my grown man was once a baby growing inside of me. A baby.  A baby who I loved and shaped into a grown up. Not one baby, but two babies. 

 I have scars from having my gall bladder removed at 22, which reminds of when I was highly over weight and unhealthy.  According to the doctors chart, I’m still over weight. But at 22, I was living off snickers bars, Pepsi soda, and KFC because I was working so much and on the go. I wasn’t exercising, I was eating lots of white starches and simple crabs, and mindfulness was a foreign concept to me. It was after this procedure I rediscovered exercise, switched to ground turkey and whole grains, and made water an addiction. Not to say, I still don’t crave fries and pizza, but I made life long changes that I could commit to. I discovered, meditation, pilates, yoga, zumba that I could do a 5k.
 On my lower right side is the scar from when I had my appendix removed.  And I was 7, so it was the old school "cut you open", in the hospital for 2 weeks, type of surgery. This little 2 inch long scar transports me back to that moment when I was in the hospital crying   “No” because the doctors said that I would need surgery immediately.  My father was so disturbed by my tears, he cried.I remember overhearing my grandmother tactfully tell him to basically man up, come back in the room and tell me that I was having the surgery and I would be okay. I was okay. I missed Halloween that year, but I got to get a happy meal with a chocolate shake in one of those jack-o’-lantern trick or treat buckets 
 as one of my first meals in the hospital. 


My latest scar is from having my ovaries removed the beginning of my journey to combat a disease that my grandmother and mother didn’t have the opportunity to.  And perhaps the most precious part of my stomach is my belly button...  proof that I was one connected physically to my mother by this remnant of an umbilical cord. And though a flat stomach is stomach I’ve always desired since Janet Jackson first introduced me to midriff, I love my ample, imperfect stomach, rolls and all. It still surprises me that today I’m so enamored by a part of my body that was the bane of my existence from age 11. 

Why Exercise???

According to the American Heart Association every minute a woman dies from heart disease. Most of us  know that maintaining a healthy weight, eating right and moderately exercising can reduce our risks. The latter, exercise, for some of us is one of the easiest things to eliminate from an overbooked day. There are numerous information sources out there that educate us on how we can make it happen: scheduling it in our planner as an appointment, exercising during the commercials, buddying up, taking the stairs. My personal favorite are squats while cooking. Whatever the case it is indeed critical for our health that we fit in in whether through intervals or in an hour, whether its salsa lessons or walking. Here are my personal benefits of exercising that maybe you didn’t of:

·         A new wardrobe twice a year ( in a smaller size)

·         More energy ( to do your to-do list)

·         Decreased PMS symptoms (my family loves this)

·         Feeling powerfully strong ( Wonder woman)

·         Exuding  a new sexiness ( which can increase libido)

·         A round butt that was formerly flat (squats)

·         Cute workout clothes (more shopping)

·         Networking ( thanks to group exercise)

·         Less cravings for vices ( wine, chocolate and carbs)

·         Or feeling less guilty about that glass of  wine (because you burned 600 calories)

Happy Exercising!

BAD ASS!

This photo represents one BADASS woman who is feeling fearless, optimistic, confident, and blessed! 10 years ago, I was riddled with apprehension about my future, consumed with thoughts of what if I am next?  Next to have breast cancer. And in my vanity, I thought about losing my cleavage, my hair, my eyes brows…my life. I reasoned with myself, girl you can get new boobs, and you wear weaves and wigs anyway. They are just body parts. But still, no matter how hard I tried to convince myself, I was still afraid.

                Now that I’m over 30, with my cancer-filled family history, it’s time to face facts and be preventative. I’ve been doing Breast Self-Exams since I was 12 because if you know my story, you are aware that my mother succumbed to breast cancer at only 23. Her mother and one of her sisters also battled ovarian cancer and died in their 50’s. Science has found that there is a link between the two. So in addition to the mammograms that began at 30, last month I sought genetic testing. Apparently, this BRCA testing can identify two genes that will predict my chances for developing either or both. What this means for me is that if the test results are positive, I have an 87% of developing breast cancer. Whoa! Right?  (A lot higher than the 8% chance the rest of the female population has) I will also have about a 50% chance of developing ovarian cancer throughout my lifetime.  As scary as it sounds, thanks once again to science, there are options for how to deal with it, which includes having all of the above mentioned removed and a bit of reconstructive surgery.  But before I jump to conclusions, I will have to wait to get the results in a few weeks.

                Facing my own mortality has somehow put a little more oomph in my already vibrant spirit.  My thinking has changed so much over the years, from thoughts of doom to assurance; mostly because I’m living in my purpose EVERY SINGLE DAY. So while many people are searching aimlessly for theirs, I discovered mine around the same age my mother was when she passed away. I am living for all of those who did not.  I have legacy on my shoulders to carry, one that I don’t find burdensome, but more like honorable. So this is why I will hold nothing back and continue to be the BADASS I was destined! Shine on!

Whew...

My first week back at work after 2 months, and guess what I’m still learning…yup…how to surrender! While I thought I suffered from a lack of sleep over the last few months, reality really hit this week. See, when I was on maternity leave, I could go back to sleep in the mid-morning. Now when my bookas ( my baby)  wakes up at 5am, we have to stay up and get ready to venture out so I can be at work by 7:15. So All week I’ve been getting about 4 to 5 hours of sleep.   
   I thought I would spring into things and fully become the old me... Work, home, and gym, after eating well all day and drinking plenty of water. NOPE! Instead, it’s 3 cups of coffee a day, a glass of wine at night, no gym at all, and take out for breakfast, sometimes skipping lunch or sucking down something like Taco Bell so I can catch-up on my lesson planning. ( I brought water to work every day and drank only half of it. Totally not my style, I usually drown myself in water).
     After only stopping to pee all day, I leave work at 2:30 and it’s off to home to do chores, pick up my son from practice, help my nephew with homework, figure out what the hell we are having for dinner, and spend time with my baby (who misses mommy. ) I’m tired just writing about it. My first instinct was to trip, flip, and breakdown. Stamp my feet and say…I can’t do this!!!!!. But something as simple as a hot shower at the end of the day or India Aire in the morning changes all of that and puts things into perspective. There is no longer an old me. So what do I do? I re-invent myself to adapt to my new life. The inner me, the dreamer, the poet, the dancer, the make it happener (okay not a word) are still the essence of who I am, but I have to re-adjust.



I decided to just survive this first week, get into the hang of things, get the timing right, figure out what works and what doesn’t, so that next week I can not just survive but actually feel accomplished when I‘m done. This meant looking past laundry that needed to be done, leaving the baby’s pj’s on the bed until I get home (instead of feeling like they had to be put in the hamper), and being okay with leaving the flat iron in the bathroom, or the iron on the kitchen table. The world won’t end if the house is out of order until I come home.

Now that it’s Thursday and I feel like I made it, I’m ready for some more re-adjustments. So next week I will replace two of those coffees with decaf green tea, and find time to drink water while I’m at work besides just at lunch. Besides I'm sure my students won't mind if I stop talking for a few minutes.  I pledge to get in some exercise which I know is my best source of energy, at least once a day. Even if it’s just some jumping jacks while waiting for my hot water to boil! I went shopping last night to buy me some healthy snacks and lunch…no more skipping meals! That’s all I’m asking of myself. Just a little bit of my time to improve my quality of life, be my best self and more importantly keep my sanity in my new crazy life.