I, Wonder Woman

Finally, after 4 months I am able to sit down and write about what  was (I am claiming it) my last surgery. Honestly this one was so much more traumatic that all of my previous surgeries, so much so that I have avoided writing about it. There was no comical spin to put on it, and I still struggle finding  a positive spin ( other than the fact that I’m still alive).  Initially I was supposed to check in Friday, and be home by Monday, Tuesday the latest. I planned accordingly, making sure I did laundry, cleaned the house, arranged for childcare and pick up of my then 5 year old. In my  mind, I was thinking, nothing is as extreme as my previous surgery. That was 15 hours of surgery, this would be like 6, no more than 8. This was only my stomach, not my stomach and breasts. It would be a breeze, I was ready for it…or so I thought. My surgeon after all, told me she was the "Hernia Guru" and I love a confident women. I especially love that she showed up in a Wonder Woman surgical hat, and matching socks. Wonder woman is my ring tone, Wonder Woman is kick ass. We were gonna kick that hernia’s ass. And she reminded us of how Lucky a day it was 7/7/17 !!!! Then she started explaining things. As I heard the words epidural, catheter, my blood pressure shot up like 30 points on the monitor and I had to breathe it out. As afraid as I was there, was no turning back. 

My aunt took this picture as I tried to stay calm listening to the surgeon

The surgeon would make a vertical incision from the middle of my ribs to my pubic bone. In a procedure called component separation, she would cut muscles from my obliques on both sides, stretch them to build a new abdominal wall. Then, to secure the newly stitched wall,  attach a mesh all the way from my ribs to my hip bones before sealing me up. Below is a diagram.

Initially when I woke up, the pain was much more intense than what I thought it would be. So they drugged me up with Morphine, a few other narcotics that put me to sleep, but that was all they did. I was still in pain. They wanted me to ambulate, but I was in so much pain. When they allowed me to eat, I couldn’t because I was in too much pain. On top of that I had a fever for about 2 days.   On the 3^rd morning after my surgery, I attempted to give myself a sponge bath because I was tired of having people wipe my ass, and bathe me. I needed a new surgical binder that wasn’t stained with crusty blood. The pain was so excruciating that when my aunt (who thank God was also my nurse for the day) knocked on the bathroom door to ask how I was doing, I broke down into weak cry., a whimper. Boy, was it humbling to have my aunt, who used to change my diapers, have to bathe me…everywhere. 

She handled business and then an X-ray was ordered, and an enema… perhaps I was constipated (which is worsened by narcotics). While she set up my bed, I eased into the hospital chair. Suddenly I became overwhelmed with nausea and began violently vomiting bile. My aunt had to hold the bag, so I could support my stomach as it was jerking involuntarily.  Horrific pain. Apparently, I had an ileus, or what they call bowel obstruction. A serious one. It appears my digestive system had never fully awakened after surgery, which explained the reason oral medications were ineffective; they were not being digested. Everything was stuck in my stomach and esophagus. It made sense, I was swollen everywhere and my skin was clammy and discolored.

   Within the next 10 minutes my aunt was holding me down as another nurse stuffed a tube up my nose and into my throat while I gagged and cried. For the next 24 hours, the NG tube would pump my digestive track of everything and my stay at the hospital would be extended while my digestive functioning was observed. Which meant 24 hours of nothing, followed by 24 hours of liquids, and 24 hours on solids for a total of 3 more days.

Recovery at home was equally tough the first few days. Last time I had major surgery I had a live in partner who could help me. This time on I was my own with bathing (2 weeks before I took a real shower), letting things fall to the floor because I couldn’t pick them up, and the constant pinching of drains.  It was sleepless nights, and spells of helplessness The worst part was eating, because the peristalsis was excruciating, I felt like I could feel every bite of food work its way through my body for at least 2 days. 

check out the hernia through my dress.

                                   side angle of the hernia before surgery

              I found it so much more difficult to focus on the positive this time around. Yes the hernia was gone, but at that time it meant a shift in the type of pain I experienced. Because I feared any further intestinal problems, I rejected narcotics for pain management and stuck with ibuprofen and Tylenol. Ouch!

           

Over the last four months my body has been amazing all over again in regaining its strength and stamina. I’ve swallowed tears of frustration when I returned to my workout and couldn’t do anything, or I was so exhausted from jumping back into work, I’d get nauseous.  For a year and half I tried to cover this massive hernia, but now I’m trying to disguise my belly which now only looks about 4 months pregnant. It still feels tight and sore on extra busy days at work, and my ab power is severely diminished but I’m forcing myself to remain patient and remember that in due time, the swelling will decrease, the strength will increase, and while I’ll never be the same, I’ll feel confident in my physical appearance and power again. And if I’m lucky, one of these days I’ll see the lesson in all of this. I thought I mastered body gratitude, life gratitude, patience? Well, it's not mastered, but I've had many lessons. What do you think is the possible lesson? I Wonder.

Left top- hernia, Right top-1 week post op, bottom left- 2 weeks post op, bottom right- 2 months post op

Repeated Lessons

There have been a few lessons I’ve really learned so far this year, and I feel it’s only right I share them with my readers. The first is do what you love. I know this is my heart of hearts, but sometimes people can really trip me up. Anyone who knows me knows that I am juggling about 6 to 8 balls on average. I’d like to think that I am pretty good with the balance, I try to rest when needed, and I try to make the time I spend with other quality, versus quantity. But some people don’t make it easy when they make comments about being productive. The other day, someone said that I just leave my kids with anyone, and someone else said I’m never home. While there is some truth in be living much of the life on the run, I tend to involve both of my sons and family in many of my activities. And not that I feel the need to explain myself to anyone, but I write this to make a point, which was clearly re-iterated to me at the NAPW’s women’s conference that past Friday. Randi Zuckerberg (one of the original founders of Facebook) spoke about being an “AND” woman, stressing that we shouldn’t feel guilty about having interests outside of work and family and that those interests should be taking seriously. Now I’m lucky enough to combine works often, but sometimes the people closest to me don’t get that my poetry, my nonprofit, my empowerment, is not just a hobby, but it is work and meaningful, and I do get paid for it. That’s the great thing about it all, when you love what you do, even when you are exhausted, you still feel simultaneously energized.

This leads me to my second gem, which is to surround yourself with people who make you feel good, and who are like minded. Again, it sounds obvious, but it’s sometimes difficult because of where we work or live. But I find when I am around other teachers or artists, or moms who understand the struggle, and who have common goals, it feels amazing. AMAZING!!!! And there is a balance, you can be around those who are like-minded, but if don’t make you feel good,  and vice versa, conflict can arise. It can really be hard to distance yourself from the friend, lover, co-worker, or relative, but for your own sanity, you have to if they are toxic, or for me, if they do neither.

            

 And I’ve mentioned the last several times in the past…PAY ATTENTION! The universe/God/whatever your belief is always sending you messages in the form of nature, animals and other people. I often have conversations with people who validate what I already know but may not act on. So I frequently get gentle reminders. For instance, I had a conversation a few days ago and the woman told me that there are people out there who I was made to impact specifically, that when no one else will reach them, I will. She told me that what I do is the church because churches heal. Last month when I performed I was told my story was like going to church (Hear that bell ringing). And for like the 3^rd time a person mentioned that it’s time for me to get paid for what I do, to get paid a lot, and to not only rely solely on the satisfaction of helping others as payment. Apparently, I should be paid spiritually and financially and not feel guilty about it. How about that????

                So what do you think readers? Do any of these gems apply to you? Is there one that you think you should follow? Share!